Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

I always wonder what was edited out when I see a blank space like that. Let me guess you took a shot at Pizmo and then thought the better of it. I've done that many times.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Hey, leave me alone. I'm still recovering from being Dieselized by E4E.

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

Bono is at a U2 concert in Halifax ,Nova Scotia, when
he asks the audience for some quiet.Then, in the
silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

He says into the microphone, in a deep solemn
voice... "Just for a moment, think outside
yourself...Outside this arena.

Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."


A loud Newfy voice from near the front pierces the
moment...

"Well, Lard tunderin jasus boy, ya stupid arse, stop
yer fockin' clappin', then!"
----
With thanks to my friend Darrin... a Newf. Nobody tells a Newf joke like a Newf!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Punishments In Hell

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the
punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to
select his first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The
new guy is not keen on this and asks to see the next room.

The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an
really old guy chained to the wall getting a b*** j** from a
gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room.

The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder
and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

She's not aware her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings.

Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.


Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."


In the next few weeks, it happens again, that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.


Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."


A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.


The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again."

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag..."

"Damn"! Says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can find some I may have lost. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get all that money, did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds. So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck. By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay."

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

The Inheritance

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and three days later she became his stepmother.

[Nanookster]

Re: Daily funnies

Women should really know their limits:

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....ating=nsfw_sfw

[Nanookster]

Re: Daily funnies

Women should really know their limits:

http://www.kontraband.com/show/show....ating=nsfw_sfw

Any of you guys watch this yet? It is so funny, it's going to get me in trouble with the ladies though.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

E4E is the greatest friend anyone could hope to have. You Rock E4E

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

As an Idaho trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She

jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The

trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you

are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds

down the street.



When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.

She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the

trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says

brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your

load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again

and continues down the street.



At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of

breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck

door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, "Hi, my name is

Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"



When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next

light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and

runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it,

he says...



"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Idaho and I'm driving the sanding
truck!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Top 10 Valentine Card Rejects



10. I admire your strength, I admire your spunk
But the thing I like best, is getting you drunk.

9. Our love will never become cold and hollow
Unless, one day, you refuse to swallow.

8. I bought this Valentine's card at the store
In hopes that, later, you'd be my whore.

7. This feels so good, it feels so right
I just wish it wasn't $250 a night.

6. You're a woman of style, you're a woman of class
Especially when I'm spanking, your big-round-fat ass.

5. Before I met you, my heart was so famished
But now I'm fulfilled. . . SO MAKE ME A SAMICH!!!

4. Through all the things that came to pass
Our love has grown. . . but so's your ass.

3. You're a honey. . . and you're a cutie
I just wished you had J-Lo's "booty".

2. I don't wanna be sappy or silly or corny
So, right to the point, let's do it, I'm horny!

1. If you think that hickey looks like a blister,
you should check out the one that I gave to your sister!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband - "Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied,...
"Judging from your skin, twenty;
your hair, eighteen;
and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed. Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying...

"WHOA, hold on there sweety!" Andy interrupted.
"I haven't added them up yet!"

[SandManFan]

Re: Daily funnies

In Little Johny's grade 1 class, every Friday the teacher asks a skill testing question and the first one to get it right doesn't have to come to school on Monday. Try as he might, Johny can never get the right answer. So of course he has a plan. He takes a couple baseballs and paints them black, and on Friday just before the teacher asks the question, he rolls the two baseballs up towards the teacher. Shocked, the teacher asks "Who's the comedian with the black balls?" ....




























"Bill Cosby, see ya Tuesday!"