Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[nightfall]

Re: Daily funnies

Hard Times...

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what
with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways
through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their
backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their
family from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when
I grew up there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap
like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!

But....
Now that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but
look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so f*ckin'
easy!

I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I
hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet -- we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the goddamned library and look it up
ourselves! And there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a
letter--with a pen!--and then you had to walk all the way across the
street and put it in the f*ckin' mailbox and it would take like a week
to get there! And there were no MP3s or torrents! You wanted to steal
music or movies, you had to go to the goddamned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or, we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and f*ck it all up!

You want to hear about hardship?

We didn't have fancy sh*t like call waiting! If you were on the phone
and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn't have fancy call display either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was -- it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy PS3 or XBox360 videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theatre there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the f*ck I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you
spoiled little *******s! That's exactly what I'm talking about!

You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled, I swear to God! You
guys wouldn't last five minutes back in 1984!

[Numberz]

Re: Daily funnies

1984?! I was born in 1989 and I remember times likes those....

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A guy's parrot is hysterical, cursing his owner at every chance he had. It was enough! The owner decided to take the parrot to the vet for him to inspect the feathered devil he had as a mascot. The vet starts to inspect the bird, and the parrot curses him too! Anyway, his heart rate was quite accelerated, his blood pressure was a bit high also, but he wasn't ill. The vet tells the owner, "Your parrot is very hyper and you need to do something about it or else he'll curse you every time."

Owner: "So what you recommend, vet?"
Vet: "Well, he needs a female parrot to discharge his energy, you know."
Owner: "Oh, wow, well I gotta find him a girl then."
Vet: "Hey, if you want to do that, I've got a fine cockatoo over in that cage."

At this the parrot says, "Let's do it! What you waiting for? Take me in the cage!"

Owner: "Hold on, how much will you charge for my parrot to. do it to your cockatoo?"
Vet: "Hhhmmm. what about 15 bucks?"
Owner: "Deal!"

The vet opens the cage where the fine female cockatoo is in, puts the male parrot inside, and covers the cage with a cloth. Just a few seconds after, the cage starts shaking, feathers fly all over the room and, "Kwack, kwack, kwack!!!"

"Oh, geez," says the vet and runs across the room to find out what's the matter. The vet lifts the cloth and sees the male parrot on top of the cockatoo, one foot on top of her and with the next one the parrot is plucking all the female bird's feathers out. The parrot is hysterical, maniacally saying, "For 15 bucks, I want you naked bitch, naked!!"

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

The way you sleep during a one night stand can say a lot about your feelings
towards the situation

[PDO]

Re: Daily funnies

Last month, National University of Lesotho scientists
released the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer.

Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops
contain phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer,
men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each
within a 1-hour period. It was then observed that 100%
of the test subjects:

1) argued over nothing
2) refused to apologize when obviously wrong
3) gained weight
4) talked excessively without making sense
5) became overly emotional
6) couldn't drive
7) failed to think rationally
8) had to sit down while urinating

No further testing was considered necessary.

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you endlessly, quietly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen (ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it), and...
hit this link.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."


---------------------------------------------------------------




Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


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Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"

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Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


---------------------------------------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy continues.



"Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock it off." You're going to break something. He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping center.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store. He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it.



Mom comes in and while putting away the grocery gets the urge. A diarrhea run. She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes.

When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor. The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything.

When he arrives she leads him to the bath room and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the thing. Finally, he takes out his pen and sort of touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc.



"Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right?" she asks.



He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart !"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

You'll be sorry!


AC IN EVERY CAR




The 3 Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Max invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.

The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs name on 2 million Ford cars.

They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names "Norm, Hi, & Max".

Told you!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock"!

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargements.

He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your breasts and say, '"Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies.'"

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, "Scooby dooby doobies, I want bigger boobies!"

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock"!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Innuendo Warning!!!! No not the album by Queen. Also, possible spelling warning.



Reasons Why Women Are Like Soccer Pitches

1. There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length and width, thus varying the quality of the play.
2. Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.
3. Remember it is possible to score at both ends, but one end per 45 minutes is favourable.
4. Tackling from behind is not always an offence - check with ground owner.
5. Be careful, as after a few pints a ground appears to be of Premiership standard but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.
6. Only some grounds offer five-a-side facilities.
7. Don't ever make public your desires to play at Wembley,also,never mention pitches previously visited.
8. Extra time is dependent on subsequent pitch bookings.
9. If the ground does not seem to have under-soil heating suggest calling the game off, possibly even contact coroner.
10. When building a team it is always nice to finish with Seaman at the back.
11. Wet pitches allow for long sliding tackles.
12. Always tread carefully when leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.
13. Personal morals may be compromised by local derbies.
14. It is illegal to play on small, unturfed pitches.
15. From time-to-time the goal may be obstructed by a highly absorbent goalie.
16. Russian grounds are frequently more grassy.
17. Very few grounds are found with executive boxes.
18. Be wary of grounds with room for coaches.
19. Always be on the look out for grounds that host ladies football two evenings a week

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

NFL Cuts one Team

American Press (AP):

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to
eliminate one team from the league.

So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa
Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS. Unfortunately, they're only
good for one period and have no second string.....

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Valuable Quarters.

Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland Quarters. If you have them; they may be worth much more than 25 cents.

The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of
The Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program
featuring quarters from each province. This action is being
taken after numerous reports that the new quarters will not
work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay
phones, or any other coin operated device.

The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland
quarter, which was designed by a team of Newfoundlanders.
Apparently the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel
together keeps jamming the machines

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceed

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the F**k would you say?