Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

I almost cried when I looked at this picture!

A friend sent this photo of a horrible highway accident in Germany. The photo may be kind of hard to take for some of you. If you look closely you can see what appears to be some survivors of the accident still in the wreckage.

Although the photo is graphic, it makes you realize how quickly your loved ones can be taken from us. My friend stayed on the scene to help, and even though he performed mouth to mouth on quite a few of them, none apparently survived.

[ESKKIIMOOSSSS!!]

Re: Daily funnies

ALCOHOL ABUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!
That's too bad, Grolsch is awesome!

[Bluenoser]

Re: Daily funnies

Here are a few more snickers for you....

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

The wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your pecker is bigger than your brother's".

[nightfall]

Re: Daily funnies

It's a bit racy, but...

---

Liberal, Conservative or Albertan?

Are you a Liberal, a Conservative, or a Albertan? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock .40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere Seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?


Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! - Does the man look poor or oppressed? - Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? - Could we run away? - What does my wife think? - What about the kids? - Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? - What does the law say about this situation? - Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? - Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? - Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? - Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? - If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? - Should I call 9-1-1? - Why is this street so deserted? - We need to raise taxes, have a 'paint and weed' day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour. - This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Conservative's Answer: BANG! .

Albertan's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or the Hollow Points?"

Son: "Can I shoot the next one!?"

Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Might be a repeat but I'm sure someone will point that out.



A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing.
A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act!
He bought a ticket. Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.
The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something.
I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"


"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even one drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

Who is it?", calls one of the nuns.

"Blind man," replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

"Nice boobs," says the man, "where do you want the blinds?"

[SandManFan]

Re: Daily funnies

Toward the end of the golf course, Richard had hit his ball into the woods. Allan, his partner had laughed and poked fun, but then somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods, just a few yards beyond.
Richard looked for a long time, getting angrier every minute. Finally, in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups, he found his ball.

Instead of just continuing the game, he took his club and thrashed every single buttercup in that patch.All of a sudden, in a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life.....better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.....as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!"

Then POOF!...she was gone.

After Richard recovers from the shock, he hollers, "Allan, where are you?"

Allan yells back "I'm over here in the pussiwillows."

Richard shouts back, "Don't swing, Allan! For the love of God, don't swing!"

[griswold]

Re: Daily funnies

Essential Workplace Vocabulary

TESTICULATING
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

BLAMESTORMING
Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

CROP DUSTING
Surreptitiously farting while passing through a CUBE FARM, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust; leads to PRAIRIE DOGGING.

PRAIRIE DOGGING
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see that's going on. (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.)

STRESS PUPPY
A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

OHNOSECOND
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

As Mr. Quick On The Trigger once said to the maiden, "This may hurt, how was it?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man is working on the busses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman not quite on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as its Texas he's sent to the electric chair.
On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish.
"Well", says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?"
"Yes", answers the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana?"
The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it.
When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it.
"Can I go then?", the man asks.
"I suppose so", says the executioner, "that's never happened before".
The man leaves and eventually gets a job with another bus company selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair.
The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas.
The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner.
"Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch?" says the condemned man.
The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch.
Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair.
The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go.
Well, would you believe it, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair yet again.
The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to the chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling.
"What's your final wish?", asks the executioner.
"Well", says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch?"
The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark.
"I give up", says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it", he asked.

”Nahh" said the bloke,

"I'm just a really bad conductor"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worn-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT! This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

[Bluenoser]

Re: Daily funnies

Saw this tonight on TV... to funny....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3BjT4F5kTbI

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.

Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that ice cream van hadn't come along".

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies