Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to coach_ditka again.

I get that a lot from him............

[Muley69]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The cops just came to my house earlier claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike.

I said "P!ss off, my dog doesn't have a bike".

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

SUSPECT: A Train Ride

Sitting together on a train traveling through the Canadian
Rockies were a fellow from Saskatchewan, a fellow from
Quebec, a little old lady and a young blond girl with large
breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later,
there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges
from the tunnel, the fellow from Quebec has a bright red
hand print on his cheek. No one speaks.

The little old lady thinks: The fellow from Quebec must
have groped the blond in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blond girl thinks: That fellow from Quebec must have
tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the
old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The fellow from Quebec thinks: That fellow from Saskatchewan
must have groped the blond in the dark. She tried to slap
him but missed and got me instead.

The fellow from Saskatchewan thinks: I can't wait for
another tunnel so I can smack that ******* from Quebec
again.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

It's $10 a joke for Rider fans to post in this thread. I accept MC, Visa or I can give you my Paypal number. Or maybe a ton of Manure(must be fresh) on MoneyGuy's lawn.

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

It's $10 a joke for Rider fans to post in this thread. I accept MC, Visa or I can give you my Paypal number. Or maybe a ton of Manure(must be fresh) on MoneyGuy's lawn.

Cheques in the mail bouncing it's way to the east coast.

You gotta admit that's an appropriate joke considering were playing the frenchies next week eh?

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A Truckers Breakfast
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, 'I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.'
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, 'This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running Boards. What does he think this place is, an
auto parts store?'
'No,' the cook said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.
'Oh, OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for Blondie?
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Brian Sullivan



A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian! "

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his ****ing' widow."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Little Johnny was asked by his teacher to spell "straight". Little Johnny did so without error! "BRAVO" said the teacher. Now what does it mean Little Johnny?
Little Johnny quipped.."without water in it" !!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Rose

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says,"This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'" The actor is thrilled.All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".

The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... And the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.

"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"
__________________

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

TEN COWBOY SAYINGS THAT WILL NEVER SOUND THE SAME AFTER BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN

10: I'm gonna pump you full of lead
9:Give me a stiff one , Barkeep
8 Don't fret I've been in tight spots before
7:Howdy, Pardner
6: You stay here while I sneak around from behind
5:Saddle Sore
4:Hold it right there!!!! Now,move your hand, reeeal slow- like....
3:Let's mount up
2:Nice spread ya got here
1:Ride em Cowboy

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Chris Schultz was in Saskatchewan for TSN to announce a football game one weekend, when he noticed a special telephone near the Riders' bench. He asked QB Durant what it was used for and was told it was a hotline to God. Schultz asked if he could use it. Durant replied, "Sure, but it will cost you $200."

Schultz scratched his head, then thought, what the heck, I could use some help picking games. He pulled out his wallet and paid $200. His picks were perfect that week.

The next week, Schultz was in Calgary when he noticed that same kind of phone on the Stamps' bench. He asked what the telephone was for and QB Burris told him, "It's a hotline to God. If you want to use it, it will cost you $500." Recalling the previous week, Schultz pulled out his wallet and made the call. His picks were perfect again that week.

Next weekend, Schultz was in Edmonton when he noticed the same kind of telephone by the Esks' bench. He asked Ricky Ray, "Is that the hotline to God?" Ray said, "Yes, and if you want to use it, it will cost you a loonie."

Schultz looked incredulously at Ray and said, "Wait a second, I just paid $200 in Regina and $500 in Calgary to use the same phone to God! Why do the Esks only charge a loonie?"

Ray replied, "Because in Edmonton, it's a local call."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

You must buy my book "Telling Unrecycled Jokes". It would vastly improve the quality of your posts in this thread.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

GOLFERS ARE A STRANGE BREED

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly
she collapses from a heart attack.

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for minute,
picks up his putter and lines up his putt. His wife raises
her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "They
found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to
help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she
asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

%%%%%%%%%%%

A reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular,
your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You
really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

%%%%%%

A young man and a priest are playing together. It's a short Par-3.

The priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"

The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our heads down."

%%%%%%%%%%

Police were called to an apartment and find a woman
holding a bloody 5-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?"

"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.

"How many times did you hit him?"

"I don't know -- five, six, maybe seven times.....just
put me down for a five."

%%%%%%%%%%%

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found it and saw an opening between two trees he thought he could hit through. Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied, "Got here in two, didn't I?"

%%%%%%%%%%%

The bride was escorted down the aisle. When she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

John O'Pizmo hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time
I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

forgot quote.