Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Sorry for not being around lately, but I've been busier than a one peckered owl in a whore house!!...Anyways...I just bought a new truck:
I bought a new Chevy Avalanche
And returned to the dealer yesterday
Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.

The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
Came from the speakers.

Then he said, ' Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
And nearly creamed my new truck,
But I swerved in time to avoid him.

I yelled, '*%$ Hole!'

Immediately the radio responded with,
"Ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ignatieff Leader of the Federal Liberal Party"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win..

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan .. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BLOOEY!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don 't want to talk to you," the old Muslim woman says. "You are not my son!"

"I don 't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,


"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Each Friday night after work, sun, snow or rain, Jack , being a Newfie, would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a moose steak.

But, all of Jack's neighbours were Catholic. And since it was Lent,
they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.
The delicious aroma from the grilled moose steaks was causing
such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked
to their priest. The priest came to visit Jack, and suggested that
he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Jack attended Mass,
and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said:
"You were born a Protestant and raised a Protestant,
but now you are a Catholic."

Jack's neighbours were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived,
and the wonderful aroma of grilled moose filled the neighbourhood.
The priest was called immediately by the neighbours, and, as he rushed
into Jack's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him,
he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Jack, clutching a small bottle of holy water
which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You wuz born a moose, you wuz raised a moose, but now you is a Codfish

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A Newfoundlander and an Albertan are sitting at bar in down town Edmonton drinking a few pitchers of beer. The Albertan had just returned from Asia where he was on business. The Albertan gets up to go to the washroom and whack, he hits the man and says: "That's a Karate chop, from China". They have a few more pitchers and again the Albertan goes to the washroom. Wham he hits the Newfoundlander and says: "That's a Judo Chop, from Japan". ticked off, our friend from Newfoundland keeps drinking with the Albertan. When it's time for him to go to the washroom he clubs the Albertan and tells the bar tender: "When he wakes up tell him that was a tire iron, from Canadian tire!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

On the first day of Grade Three, Johnnie's teacher asked the students to
count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37. But
Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes.
At home he told his Dad how well he had done. Dad told him, "That's
because you are from Alberta, son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked students to recite
the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but
Johnnie outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only
the letter "m".
That evening he once again brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained
to him, "That's because you are from Alberta, son".
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he
seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him. That night, he asked
his Dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alberta?"
"No, son, "explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

How do you know when your staying in a Alberta hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the person at the front desk says, "go ahead."

How can you tell if an Alberta redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Alberta to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Alberta?
A documentary.

How many rednecks does it take to eat a deer?
Two. One to eat and one to watch for traffic.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Alberta. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been called a teethbrush.

An Alberta RCMP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 2. He asked the driver "Got any ID?"
The driver says "Bout what?"

Why did O. J. Simpson want to move to Alberta?
Nearly everyone has the same DNA.

Did you hear that the Premier's house in Edmonton burned down?
Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

Two Albertans are walking down different ends of a street toward each other, and one is carrying a bag. When they meet, one says "Hey Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag?"
"Jus' some chickens."
"If I guess how many they are, can I have one?"
"Shoot, ya guesses right and I'll give you both of them."
"OK. Ummmmmmmm . . . five?"

What do a divorce in Edmonton, a tornado in Calgary and a flood in Fort McMurray have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer

An Albertan came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here! My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "How do we get there?"
"Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks?"

Why do folks in Alberta go to the movies theater in groups of 18 or more?
'Cuz 17 and under not admitted

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Where all the Tree's in Newfoundland??????



^^^^ Between the Two's and the Four's

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Two Albertans are driving through Newfoundland when they get pulled over by the Royal Newfoundland Constabulary. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window and "WHACK", the cop smacks him in the head with the stick.The driver says, "what the hell was that for?" The cop says, "You're in Newfoundland my son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the
guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the
window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK", the cop smacks
him up side the head with the nightstick too. The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?" The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The Passenger says, "huh?" The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that arsehole would've tried that crap with me!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

---------------------------------------------------

I bought a deodorant stick today. The instructions said remove wraper & push up bottom. I can barely walk but when I

fart the room smells ****ing lovely!



Man goes to the Dr's & says "I've been sh@gging the wife for 10yrs now & she is getting a bit loose, can you suggest

anything to tighten her up a little bit?" Dr says "Well, this is a bit of a taboo subject, but have you tried using the

other hole?" he says "WHAAT ? & end up with a house full of kids!"


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead"

The operator says how do u know?

He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!



went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A Newfie was walking down the street in St. John's when he saw a sign in a barroom window "Lobster Tail and Beer, $10.00" Lord tunderin' Jaysus, he says, My tree favorite tings.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Wanted : 3 person crew to install power poles.
3 men from Newfoundland and 3 men from Prince Edward Island showed up for the job.
The boss told them he only needed one crew, so I'll give all one day to see what you can do. He gave them all shovels and sent them out to the line.
At quitting time they all returned and he asked them how many poles they had put in.
The three from PEI said 16 poles boss, then he asked the three from Newfoundland how many poles they had put in and they replied 3 poles boss.
He asked them how come the men from PEI could put in 16 poles and they only put in 3.
The Newfoundlanders replied sure they put in 16 poles but did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground.

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A truck driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving in any direction. Total gridlock.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks "What happened? What's the holdup?"

"Terrorists have captured Michael Ignatieff, Dalton McGuinty,Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe. They are asking a ten million dollar ransom.....otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car taking up a collection."

The driver asks ,"On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a litre."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A truck driver is stuck in a traffic jam going into downtown Ottawa. Nothing is moving in any direction. Total gridlock.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks "What happened? What's the holdup?"

"Terrorists have captured Michael Ignatieff, Dalton McGuinty,Jack Layton and Gilles Duceppe. They are asking a ten million dollar ransom.....otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car taking up a collection."

The driver asks ,"On average, how much is everyone giving?"

"About a litre."

I'd give an extra litre if Harper were included.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Only a Farm Kid


Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Suzie, pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Little Johnny - Terse Language

A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at Home.

1st kid says, "A computer".
Teacher replies, "That'd be very useful."

2nd kid says, "A car," and gets a similar response from the teacher.

Johnny says, " At my house we don't need nothin!"

The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.

Johnny replies, "no, I'm sure."

When my sister started going out with a Rider Fan, I remember my dad saying...


"Well, that's all we f&#k'in' need!!!"
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