Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Man sitting at home on the verandah with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A chicken farmer sits down at a bar and orders a glass of champagne.

The woman next to him says 'what a coincidence, I just ordered a glass of champagne as well. I'm celebrating.'

'What are you celebrating?' asks the man.

'Well, my husband and I have been trying to have kids but without any luck. And just today my doctor told me I'm pregnant.'

The farmer says 'what a coincidence, I'm celebrating as well. You see, for quite some time all my chickens were laying infertile eggs. Now they're all laying fertile ones!'

'Do you know what caused the change?' asked the lady.

'Sure do,' says the farmer. 'I changed cocks.'

'What a coincidence,' says the lady.

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A blonde goes over to her friend's house wearing a TGIF tee-shirt.
Her friend asks " Why are you wearing a Thank God It's Friday tee-shirt on Monday"?

"Oh crap",the blonde replies. "I didn't realize it was a religious shirt. I thought it meant T-TS Go In Front."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

paddy

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Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin.

"Where did you get this from?" asks the expert.

"It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's a family heirloom," says Paddy.

"Do you have any insurance?" asks the expert.

"Should i?" asks Paddy.

"Yes you should,"

says the expert.

"It's your ******* water tank!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Two bears were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.


The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how
you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same
size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Bear, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Bear.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down near the parking lot by the Parliament Buildings..'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the
car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the crap out of
them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Bear, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting
any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the crap out of
a Politician, there's nothing left but an a sshole and a briefcase.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

*I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the
new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a
test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become
extinct...The salesman (a young man wearing an Michael Ignatieff "change"
(lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and allits "wonderful" options.. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a Conservative truck.
Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a Conservative truck. I explained that if it were a Liberal truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.
I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of
humour

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

And Moses commented after he came down from the mountain with the 10 commandments.

"The good news is I got Him down to 10. The bad news is adultery is still in there."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Michael Ignatieff was invited to address a major gathering of the Indian Nation in B.C. this summer...
He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every First Nation's present standard of living if he were elected Prime Minister. He assured them he was always urging the present government to address more of the native community's concerns.
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribe presented the Ignatieff with a plaque inscribed with his new
Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud Ignatieff then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to Ignatieff.
They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of **** it can no longer fly.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Which bird symbolizes great wisdom? The owl, of course. Which bird symbolizes bravery and freedom? Most of us know it's the eagle. What type of bird symbolizes love? That would be a dove.

Now, what kind bird symbolizes absolute, true love? The Swallow!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

6 Foot Cockroach

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A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.

The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.

The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctor.




"That's serious" says the doctor.

"You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?"



"Yes" says the man seriously.



"Well" says the doctor "You've got brothel sprouts."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Beer and Colonoscopy

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After putting on the gown that she gave me
I sat down.
While waiting I observed
That there were three items on a stand
Next to the exam table:

A Tube of K-Y jelly,
A rubber glove
And a beer.

When the doctor finally came in I said,
"Look Doc, I'm a little confused
This is my first exam ..
I know what the K-Y is for
And I know what the glove is for,

But can you tell me what the BEER is for?

At that Doctor Paul became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the
door.

He flung the door open and yelled to his new nurse.

Darn it Evelyn !!!

I said a BUTT LIGHT "

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Happy Easter, all


Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and wouldn't let her in.

The second blonde, a Brit, said "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus's birth and exchange gifts."

St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he wouldn't let her in either.

The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, "So, tell me."

She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the cross and eventually he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "

St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."

Then the blonde continued, "Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Two lawyers are leaving the office. "I can't wait to get home," says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties right off."

"I know the feeling," the other says.

"No, I'm serious," says the first. "They're killing me."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

old mans problem

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An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, ''I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.''

''What's wrong with that?'' asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, ''You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.''

He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him.

''I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?''

The old man answers, again through his tears, ''I forgot where I live.''