Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I told my friend ...

This morning I waded across a raging river,

escaped from a bear in the woods,

marched up and down a mountain,

stood in a patch of poison ivy,

crawled out of quicksand,

and climbed up an enormous tree! ...

My friend said, " You must be some outdoorsman!"



"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

At a wine merchant's, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position.The director of the factory wondered how to send him away.

They gave him a glass to drink. He tried it and said, "It's a Muscat, three Years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers". Low grade but acceptable.

"That's correct", said the boss.

Another glass....
"It's a cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.."
"Correct."

A third glass...
''It's a pinot blanc champagne, high grade and exclusive'' calmly said the drunk.

The director was astonished.He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it.

"It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if you don't give me the job, I'll name the father."

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Little Red Riding Hood arrived at her grandmothers house and the Big Bad Wolf jumped out of the bed, pinned her against the wall and said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"

Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a Glock pistol, pointed it at him and said, "No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

What Not to Name Your Dog

Everybody has a dog called Rover or Spot. I call my dog "Sex". When I went to city hall to
buy a licence I told the clerk I wanted a licence for Sex. He said "I'd like one too." But
then I said "This is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said "You
don't understand I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said "You must have been quite
a kid." When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel
clerk that I wanted a room for my wife, me and a special room for Sex. He said that every
room in the place was for sex. I said "You don't understand Sex keeps me awake at night." The
clerk said "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began,
the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around.
I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold my own
tickets. "But you don't understand," I said. I hoped to have Sex on T.V. He called me a show
off.

When my wife and I seperated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said "Your
honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said "Me too." Then I told him that after I
was married Sex left. He said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me
and asked "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said I'm looking
for Sex. My case comes up Friday.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother, when suddenly The Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a
tree.
"Ah-ha....," The Big Bad Wolf said, "Now I've got you and I'm going to
eat you! EAT! EAT! EAT!..."
Little Red Riding Hood said angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody f*ck anymore?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Newfies Are The Brightest

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of Canada.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from Vancouver says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second from Toronto says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

The third one from Newfoundland says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Newfoundlander got the job.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Prime Minister Harper was looking for a call girl in Calgary just recently after winning his majority victory. He found three such girls in a local lounge on 17 th ave he attends as the Cecil hotel has now been closed, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. To the Blonde he said, "I am the Prime Minister of Canada. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? She replied, $200." To the Brunette he asked the same question. Her reply was $100. He then asked the Redhead. Her reply was, "Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times, and keep it rising like the gas prices, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you do the public, then believe me, Mr. Prime Minister , it isn't going to cost you a damn cent."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

After a visit to the whore house, a man notices green lumps on his willy, so he goes to the doctors.

"That's serious!" says the doctor.

"How Serious?" asks the man, worried.

"You know how wrestlers get cauliflower ears?" asks the doctor.

"Yes", says the man seriously.

"Well", says the doctor, "You've got brothel sprouts

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.

He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:

"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman and her 10 year old son are riding in a cab in downtown Montreal.It's pouring rain and all the hookers are standing under the storefront awnings.The young boy asks his mother "What all those women are doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work"she replied.
The taxi driver says,"Geez lady,tell him the truth.They're hookers boy and they have sex with men for money."
The boy's eyes widen and says,"Is that true Mom?"
The woman glares at the driver and answers in the affirmative.
The boy then asks,"What happens to all the babies the women have?"
"They mostly become cab drivers" she replied.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman comes home and finds her husband in bed with a female midget.


Furious, she screams,

"You promised you wouldn't cheat again .... !"







The husband replies,






"For f*** sake, can't you see I'm trying to cut down ......."

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

There was a small church in Manitoba that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...


'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

[GreenNHung]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks
the assistant for an inflatable doll.

"Would you like male or female?"

"Female, please."

"Would you like Black or White?"

"White, please."

"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"

This question confused the man, so he asked,
"What has the religion got to do with it? It's an
inflatable doll!"

"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows
itself up!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

My wife bought home a tub of ice-cream and asks me if I want any.
"How hard is it?" I ask.
"As hard as your c*ck when you see me naked" she replies.

I said "Go on then, pour me a glass"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical. The nurse starts with certain basic items.

How much do you weigh? asks the nurse

115 she says.

The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.

The nurse asks, Your height?

5 foot 8 she says.

The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5' 5".

She then takes her blood pressure and tells the woman it is very high.

Of course it's high! she screams, When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!