Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man shyly walks up to a saleslady at the local department store and asks for help in finding a bra for his wife.
The saleslady replies that there are all different colours, sizes ,shapes and materials to choose from in selecting a bra.

Seeing the man is totally perplexed she tells him that there really only four types of bras. Relieved the man asks about the types available.
She tells him, "there are Catholic, Salvation Army, Presbyterian, and Baptist types" "Which one would prefer?"

Now totally befuddled the man asks the differences between them. The saleslady responds, "it is really quite simple, the Catholic ones support the masses, the Salvation Army ones lift the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright and the Baptist type make mountains out of molehills."



Ever wonder why A,B,C,D,DD,E,F,G and H are the letters used to define bra sizes?
Well here is what it means.

A- Almost bo-bs.
B- Barely there
C- Can't complain
D- Dang
DD- Double Dang
E- Enormous
F- Fake
G- Get a reduction
H- Help me, I've fallen and can't get up.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Contest

Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.
As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering," said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her,
"Well, how did you do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him,
"How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio says "this is mine."
Half an hour later, he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.

"Well, I came in fourth. Hillary Clinton won third by a wide margin,
Donald Trump came in second and ... who the hell is Justin Trudeau ?" said Pinocchio.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

my new truck

I bought a new Ford Tri-Flex Fuel Truck...
Go figure... it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
I returned to the dealer yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road
Again' came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant,' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,
'I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and nearly creamed my new truck, but I swerved in time to avoid him...
I yelled, “F*****g Idiot!”

Immediately, the radio responded with:

"Ladies and gentlemen, an address from the President of the United States of America, Donald Trump!

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Obama, Hillary and Trump are standing before the Throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says," before granting you a place at my side,
I must as you what you have learned and what you believe in."

God asks Obama first, "what do you believe?"
Obama looks God in the eye and replies, "I believe in hard work and staying true to family and friends. I believe in giving and always tried to do right by my countrymen."

God can't help but see the essential goodness in Obama and offers him a seat to the left of his throne.

Then God turns to Hillary a asks what she believes.

Hillary says, " I believe passion, discipline, courage and honor are the fundamentals of life. I believe in hard work also and have tried to be a true patriot and loyal American"

God is greatly moved by Hillary's words and offers her a seat to his right.

Finally God turns to Trump and says, "And Donald, what do you believe ?"

Trump replies, " I believe that you are in my seat."


"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Feature of a Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an oversized older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Barely Missed?

A truck driver was zooming down the highway when he saw a priest at the side of the road. Feeling it was his obligation, he stopped to give the priest a ride.

A short time later, he saw a lawyer with a briefcase on the side of the road and the driver aimed his truck at him. At the last second, he thought of the priest with him and realized he couldn't run over the lawyer, so he swerved, but he heard a thump anyway.

Looking back as he drove on, he didn't see anything. He began to apologize for his behavior to the priest.

"I'm sorry, Father. I barely missed that lawyer at the side of the road."

But the priest said, "Don't worry, son. I got him with my door."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Lawyer's Mind

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go and couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research."

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer to Mars."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An oldie but a goodie

Beautiful Last Day

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "F*ck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

http://i116.photobucket.com/albums/o...1/freezing.jpg

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Yes it can

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my ~ censored ~?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," replies the man and promises to avert his eyes. "It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the ~ censored ~ blows him a kiss. The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder ~ censored ~ can do. "I can also make it wink," says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the ~ censored ~ winks at him. "Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Wrong Feet

A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in and the shopkeeper says to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They have special power. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the shopkeeper claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals improve my abilities?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Saheeb. The sandals will prove it to you." Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years: raw sexual power!

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down the man's pants and his own, and grabbed firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!"

- - - Updated - - -

Best Method

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Tock Now

Bill's cuckoo clock stops keeping time correctly, so he takes it to a repair shop. The old shopkeeper asks in a heavy German accent, Vat sims to be ze problem?

Bill replies, It doesn't work right. Instead of going tick tock tick tock, it just goes tick tick tick.

The old German rummages behind the counter. He pulls out a flashlight and walks over to the clock. Shining the beam directly on the clock face, he says in menacing tones, Ve haf vays of making you tock!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Smart Alec

A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot, cook you, eat you and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die."

The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword." The chief gives him a sword, the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.

The Englishman says, "a pistol for me please." The chief gives him a pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the queen!" and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork!" The chief is puzzled, but he shrugs and gives him a fork. The New Yorker takes the fork and starts jabbing himself all over--the stomach, the sides, the chest, everywhere. There is blood gushing out all over, it's horrible. The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"

And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you stupid cannibal!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

One night, Superman was on the roof of a tall building looking around the city for something to do.

Unfortunately, he couldn't find anything to do so he called Batman.
"Hello." said Batman.
"Hey Batman, it's Superman. Want to hang out tonight?"
"Oh I can't." said Batman, "Robin and I are washing the Bat Mobile."
"Alright, maybe another time then. Bye." said Superman.

So Superman looked around some more for something to do then he decided to call Aquaman.
"Hello." said Aquaman.
"Hey Aquaman, it's Superman. What are you up to?"
"I'm training dolphins right now and I really can't talk." said Aquaman.
"Ok, bye." said Superman.
"Bye." said Aquaman.

So once again Superman was looking around for something to do
when all of a sudden, through an open window, he sees Wonder Woman lying naked in bed.
So he gets an idea.
With his super speed, he flies in the window, f*cks her in an instant and flies back out.
Then Wonder Woman said "What the hell was that?!?"
and the Invisible Man said "I don't know, but it just tore the hell out of my ass!!!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Mary had a little lamb
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
between two chunks of bread.

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
her clothes all tattered and torn.
It wasn't the spider that crept beside her,
But Little Boy Blue and his horn.

Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,
What have you got there?
Said the Pieman unto Simon,
Pies, you d*head.

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings horses and all the kings men,
said "F*ck him, He's only an egg.

Mary had a little lamb
It ran into a pylon.
10,000 volts went up it's ass
and turned it's wool to nylon

Georgie Porgy pudding and pie.
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
When the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too, coz he was gay.

Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
to have some hanky panky.
Silly Jill forgot her pill
And now there's little Franky.

Old Mother Hubbard
Went to the cupboard
to fetch her poor dog a bone.
When she bent over
Rover took over,
And gave her a bone of his own.

Little Boy Blew.
Hey. He needed the money.

Mary had a little skirt
with splits right up the sides
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see her thighs
Mary had another skirt
twas split right up the front
and every time that Mary walked
the boys could see right up her