Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The union Official

A union Official died in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates.

A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand.

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand and says, 'Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you.

'Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the union Official sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but Congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive. Is it because I'm a union Official?

'Congratulations for what?' says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty.

'We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!'

The union Official is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says 'Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty.'

That's simply impossible son,' says Saint Peter. 'We've added up your time sheets.'

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Pills

A farmer went to the local bank to borrow money for a new bull. The loan was made and Banker Bill, who lent the money, came by a week later to see how the bull was doing.


The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

Banker Bill suggested that he have a veterinarian take a look at the bull.

Next week, Banker Bill returned to see if the vet had helped.

The farmer looked very pleased. "The bull has serviced all of my cows! He broke through the fence, and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

"Wow," said Banker Bill, "what did the vet do to that bull?"

"Just gave him some pills," replied the farmer.

"What kind of pills?" asked Banker Bill.

"I don't know, but they kind of taste like peppermint."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Animal Jokes

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
Because he doesn't want anyone to know that he's been screwing chickens

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Mega-sore-ass

If there is H2O on the inside of a fire hydrant, what is on the outside?
K9P

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A mechanic
A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,
"Yum! I smell honey!"
The baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way. So he says,
"All I can smell is molasses

What's the difference between a Northern zoo and a Southern zoo?
In a Northern zoo you have the name of the animal and the Latin name underneath. In a Southern zoo you haven the name of the animal and a recipe underneath.

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary."
The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage. "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" they say.
One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Why don't blind people bungee jump?
It scares the crap out of their dogs

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Smart cape bretoner

These three men were stranded on an island: a Newfoundlander, a Cape Bretoner and a Quebecer. The three searched the island to try to find a way off when the Newfoundlander came upon a lamp with a genie. The genie poped up and said, I will grant three wishes, so that's one for each of you. So the Newfoundlander goes, Well I wish I was back in Newfoundland. So puff, he was sent to Newfoundland.

Then the Quebecer jumps up and says me next me next, I know exactly want I want. The Quebecer says, I would like to build a wall. I want this wall to be 1000 feet high and I want it to surround Quebec, so that nothing can get in and nothing can get out, and I want to be in Quebec. So the genie says okay and builds the wall, and now Quebec is officially separate from the rest of Canada and the Quebecer is back there.

So now the Cape Bretoner gets up and says, Tell me more about this wall. So the genie tells him, This wall is 1000 feet high and surrounds Quebec and noting can pass in or out of Quebec.

So the Cape Bretoner says, Okay. Fill it with water.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Relationships in the world

On a chain of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of South Pacific, each group of three people of the same nationality are stranded on different islands.

Two Italian men and one Italian woman. Two French men and one French woman. Two German men and one German woman. Two Greek men and one Greek woman. Two British men and one British woman. Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman. Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman. Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman. Two Irish men and one Irish woman. Two American men and one American woman.


One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping together and the Greek woman is cooking and cleaning for them.

The two British men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the British woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, liquor store, restaurant, and laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply more employees for their businesses.

The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets some what foggy after a few pints of coconut whiskey. However, they're satisfied because the British aren't having any fun either. The Irish woman has taken vows and become a nun.

The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything they can do, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is the root cause of all her problems, and why didn't they bring a damn cell phone so they could call 911 and get them all rescued off this forsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.

- - - Updated - - -

Cowboy Whisperer

Cowboy: "That your dog?"
Indian: "Yep."

Cowboy: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" (Pointing at the Indian...)
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool."

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" (Pointing to the Indian...)
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How's he treating you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the weather."

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep, he lie!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

U Finish ?

A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, "No, I Norwegian."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Welfare



A young man with his pants hanging half off his a$$, two gold front teeth & a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. you know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL & he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward but you will also have to satisfy her sexual urges as the Daughter is in her 20's and has a strong sex drive.
The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bull****tin' me?”
The social worker said, "Yeah, well . . .you started it."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Cards that should be available

1. I always wanted to have someone, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me ..

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

5. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

6. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.

7. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

8. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often .

9. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

10. Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

11. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

12. Thank you for being part of my life.....
(Inside card) - I never knew what evil was until I met you!

13. Congratulations on your wedding day!
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.

14. How can I say this....
(Inside card) - Your cooking kills me

15. Hooray.....
(Inside card) - You're divorced.

16. I just want you to know that I'm sorry for what happened...
(Inside card) - Especially since you survived.

17. Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

18. Someday I hope to marry...
(inside card) - Someone other than you.

19. We have been friends for a very long time....
(inside card) - What do you say we stop?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Bad Dog

A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.

A passer-by, who had seen everything remarked, "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did."

"Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts."

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man and a woman had a torrid affair. The slept too long after passionate lovemaking and he was late going home to his wife after work. As he pulled into the driveway he concocted a brilliant plan. Leaving the car, he walked through his lawn scraping his feet into the grass really hard. As he walked to the front door it opened violently to his wife, eyes pierced in laser stare.

“WHERE WE YOU? It’s been hours and you never called!”
“Honey.. I have a confession. I’ve been having an affair.” He looks down at his shoes.

She looks down at his shoes. “YOU LIAR! You were playing golf!”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Deaf?

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink
is driving home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver,
where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course,"
slurs the drunk.
" Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
"that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Lessons in life

Out in the woods there's a brook, hovering above it is a fly. Well there happens to be a fish watching that fly, thinking if it drops 6 inches, I can jump up and get it. There's also a bear watching the whole thing, thinking the same thought and when that fish jumps up for it, I'll snatch it out of the air.

Well, there just happens to be a hunter watching the bear, watching the fish, watching the fly, thinking when that fly drops and the fish jumps, I'll shoot that bear when he goes for the fish.

Wouldn't you know, there's a mouse watching the cheese sandwich in the hunter's pocket, thinking the same thought as everyone else and when the recoil of the rifle knocks the sandwich out of his pocket, it's all mine. There's also a cat watching the mouse, sharing the same thought as everyone else, thinking he'll get the mouse when it goes for the cheese.

Well wouldn't you know that fly dropped 6 inches, sure enough the fish jumped up and got it, then it was snatched out of the air by the bear, who was shot by the hunter. The recoil from the rifle dropped the cheese sandwich on the ground, which the mouse scurried on over to. And the cat, the cat ended up in the brook. You know what the moral of the story is?

EVERY TIME THE FLY DROPS 6 INCHES, THE PUSS(Y) IS BOUND TO GET WET!!!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Understanding Engineers

Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding
my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to
the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes
probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."


Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is
half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers - Take Three

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those
blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we
always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who
else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers - Take Eight

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and
said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it
to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess,
I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his
pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful
princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.
Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Batteries not Included

A man named Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger comes up behind him and asks Have you got the time?

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and turns around. After glancing at his wrist he says it's about a quarter to six.

Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch, exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out, and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues I've put in regional accents for each city.

The display is unbelievably high quality for a mere watch, and the voice is simply astounding - smooth and perfectly audible, without the tinny sound you might expect from a speaker that could fit on a watch. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

That's not all, says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons it has more than a dozen and a tiny but very high resolution map of New York City appears on the display. If we were outside, Jake says apologetically, it could show you where we were by satellite positioning, but under this roof all it can do is remember my last position and a map of the surrounding area. View recede ten, he adds to the watch, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

It responds to voice? gasps the stranger, and Jake nods enthusiastically. But I haven't got it all programmed yet, most of the functions are still button-activated.

I want to buy that watch, says the stranger. Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. But look at this: and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters as well as trigger the stopwatch function for close racing finishes, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all to the now drooling listener, has capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard size books, though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far, says Jake. He starts up The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, by Robert Heinlein, and although the stranger has never heard of either he can still hear those amazing un-tinny voices coming out of the normal-sized watch on Jake's wrist.

I've got to have that watch, he says.

No, you don't understand; it's not ready

I'll give you $1000 for it.

Oh, no, I've already spent more than $8000.

I'll give you $10000 for it.

But it's just not done.

I'll give you $15000 for it. And the stranger pulls out a chequebook. I've just *got* to have that watch.

But.... Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he could make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only another half a year. $15000?

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now.

Jake abruptly makes his decision. Ok, he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange, the check for the watch, and the stranger starts happily away.

Hey, wait a minute, calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake indicates the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. Don't you want the batteries?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Twenty Dollars Please!

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he 'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut !!!