Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Oh Lord!

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Daniel Craig. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Daniel Craig, you would have come up with Johnny Depp. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Daniel Craig."

MORAL: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor.
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!"
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead.
"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?"
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse.
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"
"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Survivor

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are only three Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre. They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do. After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself. It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Deirdre

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Old man Murphy had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day , he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.

The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the widow Murphy of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said, "I'm sorry to tell you, but poor old Murphy passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned."

She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked, "Tell me, did he suffer?"

"I don't think so," said the foreman: "He got out three times to go to the men's room.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A sweet little girl is out in the back garden, digging a big deep hole.
A neighbor looks over the fence and says:
�Why are you digging that big deep hole?�
�My goldfish died,� the sweet little girl says, with a sob.
�I'm really sorry to hear that,� the neighbor says,
�but why such a big deep hole for a goldfish?�
The little girl gives him an evil look. �Because it's inside your f***ing cat.�


A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You''ll feel so much better!"

The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.

So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you''ll see, you''ll feel so good!"

The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion, heating some smack on a spoon, about to shoot up.

"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you''ll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.

The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."

The lion answers, "That little b*****d makes me run around the forest like a f***ing idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Top 10 Things Not To Say To A Naked Man...

1 This explains your car.
2 I never saw one like that before.
3 But it still works, right?
4 Are you cold?
5 I guess this makes me the early bird.
6 Ahhhh, it's cute.
7 Can I be honest with you?
8 Maybe it looks better in natural light.
9 Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10 Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An old prospector……
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance, -- and just never wanted to.' A crowd had gathered quickly and the gunslinger grinned and said, 'Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The old prospector in order to not get a toe blown off or his boots perforated was soon hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet and everybody was laughing fit to be tied. When the last bullet had been fired the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers back. The loud, audible double clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds, too, and he turned around very slowly. The quiet was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. He found it hard to swallow.. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands.
The old man said, 'Son, did you ever kiss a mule's ..s?'
The boy bully swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to.'
There are two lessons for us all here: 1. Don't waste ammunition. 2. Don't mess with old people

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Husband takes his wife to her high school reunion.



After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored. The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance.
There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flipping, buying drinks for people, the works.
Wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!!!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Very Clever Scam!

True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos.
As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque to ASFP.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted.
So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque, using the full company name. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.

The name?................. The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company

[56Parkies]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Very Clever Scam!

True Story - Australian Police have been totally unable to recommend a prosecution for the following scam:

A company takes out a newspaper advertisement claiming to be able to supply imported hard core pornographic videos.
As their prices seem reasonable, people place orders and make payments via cheque to ASFP.

After several weeks, the company writes back explaining that under the present law they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted.
So they return their customers money in the form of a company cheque, using the full company name. However, due to the name of the company, few people ever bother to present these to their banks.

The name?................. The Anal Sex and Fetish Perversion Company

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Ladies Bumperstickers

1. SO MANY MEN, SO FEW WHO CAN AFFORD ME.

2. GOD MADE US SISTERS, PROZAC MADE US FRIENDS.

3. IF THEY DON�T HAVE CHOCOLATE IN HEAVEN, I AIN�T GOING.

4. MY MOTHER IS A TRAVEL AGENT FOR GUILT TRIPS.

5. PRINCESS, HAVING HAD SUFFICIENT EXPERIENCE WITH PRINCES, SEEKS FROG.

6. COFFEE, CHOCOLATE, MEN � SOME THINGS ARE JUST BETTER RICH.

7. DON�T TREAT ME ANY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU WOULD THE QUEEN.

8. IF YOU WANT BREAKFAST IN BED, SLEEP IN THE KITCHEN.

9. DINNER IS READY WHEN THE SMOKE ALARM GOES OFF.

10. I�M OUT OF ESTROGEN - AND I HAVE A GUN.

11. GUYS HAVE FEELINGS TOO. BUT LIKE�WHO CARES?

12. NEXT MOOD SWING: 6 MINUTES.

13. AND YOUR POINT IS?

14. WARNING: I HAVE AN ATTITUDE AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT.

15. OF COURSE I DON�T LOOK BUSY�I DID IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME.

16. DO NOT START WITH ME. YOU WILL NOT WIN.

17. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT, SO PLEASE SHUT UP.

18. ALL STRESSED OUT AND NO ONE TO CHOKE.

19. I�M ONE OF THOSE BAD THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE.

20. HOW CAN I MISS YOU IF YOU WON�T GO AWAY?

21. SORRY IF I LOOKED INTERESTED. I�M NOT.

22. IF WE ARE WHAT WE EAT, I�M FAST, CHEAP AND EASY.

23. DON�T UPSET ME! I�M RUNNING OUT OF PLACES TO HIDE THE BODIES.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said,
"She'll be twenty-one in November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year-old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

"How's the new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - she's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

Don't ever underestimate old Geezers.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Strangest Suicide in History?

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience in San Diego with the legal complications of a strange death. Here is the story:

"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his dispondency). As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter not the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.

"Ordinarily," Dr Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger, he completely missed the wife and the pellets went through the window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt, one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be an accident. That is, the gun had been accidently loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother. The case now, becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus."

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the son, Ronald Opus, had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Wisdom from the Military Manuals

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' - U.S. Air Force Manual
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'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.' - General MacArthur
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'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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'Tracer works both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
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'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
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'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
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'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown Marine Recruit
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'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
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'Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.'
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'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
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'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage , it's probably a helicopter - and, therefore, unsafe.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
------------ --------- ------- -- ---------
'Even with ammunition, the USAF is just another expensive flying club.'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Never trade luck for skill.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
The three most common expressions, in aviation are:
'Why is it doing that?'
'Where are we?', and
'Oh S..t!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
------------ --------- --------- --------- -
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'
----------- --------- --------- ---------
'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
------------ --------- --------- ---------
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a
bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'

The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I only just got here myself!' - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Blonde Genies

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in
Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.'

- - - Updated - - -

The queens breasts

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that, among all of the citizens of the kingdom, only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and was hailed by the King and Queen as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio and demanded his 1000 gold coins.

With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King and with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick to his chambers!!!

The moral of the story:

Pay your freakin' bills!!!