Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Any Medical Concerns?

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do,' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty.'

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said:
'Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her:
'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'

'Oh, for Pete's sake - that crazy old fart!' she replied.
'That's because the first time is usually in July, and the second time is in December

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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida,
are all excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they
pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds ."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Smelly

A married couple are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road.

They stop, the wife gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.

She says, "Look, it's shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?"

Her husband replies, "Put it between your legs to keep it warm."

She asks, "What about the smell?"

He says, "Hold its nose."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Got the hump?

Three golfers had a big golf game with a client in Arizona. They were running late and as luck would have it their car broke down. They found a repair garage nearby.
The mechanic told them it would take four hours to fix their car. But he told them" You're in luck. I have a camel that the three of you can ride over to the golf course. This camel is smart. He can read stoplights - he'll stop and go just as the light directs.
So the three of them pile on the camel, golf clubs and all and took off.
An hour later the mechanic saw the three of them standing a couple of miles down the road and the camel was not in sight.
"What in the world happened and where's my camel?"
"Well, we had stopped at that light and a car pulled up along side of us. The guy in the car stuck his head out the window and said 'Look at the three nuts on that camel!!'
" When we got off to look, the bloody thing took off when the light turned green."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning, died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner, but, because God doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to Earth as someone other than himself.


The man thought about it for a while and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to Earth as a lesbian.


Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian. The man answered: "It's simple really. This way I can still make love to a woman AND I can hit from the red tees!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.


Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea."


The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"


"It's over here in the p*s*y willows."


The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

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A very drunk man in a bar tells the bartender and everyone that is sitting near him that he can fart out the tune to "The Star Spangled Banner."


Everyone who hears this wants to see him do it. So he tells everyone to gather around him, then he climbs up on the bar, drops his trousers and proceeds to take a massive dump on the bar counter.


After he finishes the disgusted bartender says, “Why in the hell did you ~ Censored ~ on my bar?”


The drunk replies, “Even Elvis had to clear his throat!”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A snail was moving along the beach when he happened to look back behind him and saw three turtles wearing leather jackets.


After moving along for about four weeks, the snail looked back again and saw that the three turtles were still there and closing in on him. So, the snail picked up his pace.


After about six more weeks, the snail looked back again, and saw that the turtles were still chasing him. And they were getting closer and closer! So, he kept on going as fast as he could.


After another few weeks, the turtles finally caught up with the snail and mugged him, took all of his clothes and the keys to his car.


After another couple of weeks, the snail got to a pay phone and called the police. “I’ve been mugged by three turtles wearing leather jackets! You need to get down here and take a report or do something!” he said.


“Can you give us a description of the turtles?” asked the police officer.


“No, I can’t,” cried the snail. “It all happened too fast!”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says: "Hey, can you give me a hand?"


Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his ~ censor ~, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot," the man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says: "I don't know, but until I find out I'm sure not going to touch it!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A golfer, now into his golden years, had a lifelong ambition to play the 17th hole at Sawgrass in Ponte Vedra, Florida, exactly the way the pros do it. The pros drive the ball out over the water onto the small green that is on a small spit of land.


It was something he had tried hundreds of times without success. His ball had always fallen short, into the water. Because of this, he never used a new ball on this particular hole. He always picked out one that had a cut or a nick, as do many other "average" golfers when negotiating very challenging holes.


Recently, he went to Sawgrass to try again. When he came to the fateful hole, he teed up an old cut ball as usual, and said a silent prayer.


However, before he could hit it, a powerful voice from above came booming out from the clouds, saying: "WAIT... REPLACE THAT OLD BALL WITH A BRAND-NEW ONE."


He complied. As he stepped up to the tee once more, the voice came down again: "WAIT. STEP BACK... TAKE A PRACTICE SWING."


So, he stepped back and took a practice swing, certain now that this Heavenly force was going to make his dream come true.


The voice boomed out again: "TAKE ANOTHER PRACTICE SWING."


Dutifully, he did. He stopped expectantly and waited. A long silence followed...


Then the voice again boomed: "USE THE OLD BALL."

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A woman goes into a bar with a little chihuahua dog on a leash. She sits down at the bar next to a drunk. The drunk rolls around, leans over, and splat! He pukes all over the dog.


The drunk looks down, sees the little dog struggling in the pool of vomit, and slurs, “I don’t remember eating that!”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.


As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”


Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.


The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren’t you Mike Murphy?”


Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”


The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren’t you a police officer?”


And again Mike replied yes.


The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Calories

The blonde patient sees her doctor because she really wants to loose weight. He prescribes a special low-fat/low-carb diet which she follows exactly.

After three weeks she comes back to a check-up all happy because she already lost 15 pounds. However it seems that she developed an insaturable hunger for sex with her husband.

"That's a quite normal reaction." explains the doctor and tells her not to worry.

Another three weeks later she returns for yet another control visit and is devistated.

"What's wrong?" the medic asks her, as she sits crying in front of him.

"Oh, Doc! I feel so bad. You know with all that insatiable sex and me being horny for my hubby, I bit of one of his balls last night."

The doctor puts his arm around the sobbing woman. "Don't you worry. One testicle can't have more than 60 calories."

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A free oldie

Nurses are not supposed to laugh

'Of course I won't laugh, said the nurse. 'I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thing' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it could not have been bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing.

A few minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I am so sorry,' she said. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem with it ?'

...'It's swollen,' Fred replied.

She ran out of the room !

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

You gotta love the South

TENNESSEE . . .

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said: "You graduated from the University of Tennessee , and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

The secretary thought a moment, and then replied: "Everything but my earrings."


ALABAMA . . .

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there, and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter, "but I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"



TEXAS . . .

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch.

The Sheriff asked: "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head?"

"Yep", he replied; "that's why I'm dumpin it here . . . it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."



LOUISIANA . . .

A senior at LSU was overheard saying . . . "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ."

When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.



MISSISSIPPI . . .

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy: "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied: "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered: "I couldn't tell, but I got his license number."



GEORGIA . . .

A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I- 75. The trooper asked: "Got any I.D.?"

The driver replied: "Bout whut?" (I.D = idea )



NORTH CAROLINA . . .

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied: "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked: "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded: "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don't make no sense to me neither."



AND THIS FROM SOUTH CAROLINA . . .

'You can say what you want about the South, but I ain't never heard of anyone wanting to retire to the Nort

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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Near Death!

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!

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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A suicide bomber



A suicide bomber blew himself up and appeared before Allah
He said, "Oh, Allah, I did your bidding, but I have a request. Since I'm only 18 and spent all my time in terrorist training school, I never was with a woman. So, instead of 72 virgins, who also won't know what to do sexually, can I have 72 prostitutes?"
Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied, "Actually, 72 virgins are here in heaven because *******s like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous; and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty."
The bomber responded, "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?"
And Allah replied, "Who said they were women?"