Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

http://www.distractify.com/humor/201...shades-of-nerd

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

First Time

A couple were sitting up waiting for their 16 year old son to come home from a social engagement when the boy came into the house with a big smile on his face.

"Hi, Mum! Hi, Dad! He said breathlessly. "Guess what! I've just had sex for the first time, and it was wonderful!"

His mother turned red and said to her husband, "He's your son. You talk to him". Then she left the room.

The father said , "Son, that's great. Now you've become a man and I'm proud of you.
I'm going to celebrate the occasion by buying you that ten-speed bike you've been wanting.

I hope you don't mind waiting till payday to get it".

"That's OK, Dad", said the boy. "I couldn't ride it right now anyway,

my @ss is too sore."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Neil Armstrong
When Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind statement but followed it by several remarks, usual between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, "Good luck Mr. Gorsky".

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the Good luck Mr. Gorsky statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

Four years ago, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbors' bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky.

"Oral sex? You want oral sex? You'll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A pair of blondes were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard."

"That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Burial at Sea

Two Irish brothers Mick and Paddy have made a promise to their uncle. They had an Uncle Seamus who was a seafaring gent all his life and before he passed away, he made the boys promise to bury him at sea.

Of course he did pass away and the "boys" remembered to keep their promise.

So off they set with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowing boat. After a while Mick says, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?"

Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to be standing in water up to his knees. "Dis'll never do Mick, let's row some more".

After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so on they row.

Again Mick asks Paddy, "Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?" Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, "No dis'll neva do". The water was only up to his chest.

So on they row and row and row when finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears!

Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.

"Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?"

"Aye it tis! Can yer hand me da shovel."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A pair of old drunks were lounging in a bar. The first one says: "You know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands; by the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard; by the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem; I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand."

"So," says the second drunk, "what's your point?"

"Well," says the first, "I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

City Farmer



A city type moves to the country and decides he wants to be a farmer. So he goes to the local farm shop and tells the man: "Give me 100 baby chickens."
The farm shop worker complies. A week later the man returns and says: "Give me 200 baby chickens."
Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says: "Give me 500 baby chickens."
"Wow," the farm shop worker replies. "You must really be doing well."
"Nah," says the man with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far apart."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer: "Son, I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded: "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can’t understand a word you’re saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said:

"You have to keep the worms warm!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Italian, a Scotsman & a Chinese man.....

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.
He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."
To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling."
And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours, the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now.He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!!!!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Blonde Facts

Why did 18 Blondes go to a movie? Because below 18 was not allowed.

What do you do when a Blonde throws a hand grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? Run like crazy....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

What do you call 10 Blones standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell him a joke on Wednesday.

Why do blonde work seven days a week? So you don't have to re-train them on Monday.

Why can't blondes make ice cubes? They always forget the recipe.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Quotes from teachers

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Pope and the Camera!

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the Celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.

Just as he reached the Papal Climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.

"Hold on a minute," said the Pope. "You can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation of the Catholic Church."

"This picture is my lottery win," said the photographer, "I'll be financially secure for life".

So, the Pope offered to buy the camera off the photographer, and after lots of negotiation, they eventually arrived at a figure of two million dollars.


The Pope then dried himself off and headed off with his new camera. He met his housekeeper, who spotted the camera.

"That looks like a really good camera," she said, "How much did it cost you?"

"Two million dollars" replied the Pope.

"TWO MILLION DOLLARS!!!" said the housekeeper, "They must have seen you coming"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Miss Annabelle had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound: "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabelle, "they have men there who kiss other men on the lips."

Miss Annabelle's friends fan themselves and say: "Oh my! Oh my!"

"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.

"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"

"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls: "What do they call them?" they ask.

"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabelle.

"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabelle.

"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster: "What do they call them?" they ask in unison.

Miss Annabelle leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what it used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position.

"For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs from behind and off you go."

The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home.

"Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts you have to stop right away, and second..." she continued, "you have to promise we won't go past my parents' house."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT."

After thinking for a minute, she said to herself, "oh well," and turned around and drove home.

On her way home, the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES."

By the time she had driven eight miles, she had cleaned 43 toilets.