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Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    Q. What do you call a Scotsman walking around town with a sheep under each arm?

    A. A pimp.

    Q. What do you call a Scotsman walking around town with a sheep under one arm, and a goat under the other?

    A. A bisexual.


      Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

      Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.
      A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

      The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar coin that rested inside.
      Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

      A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

      However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

      Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

      The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

      "ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"


        Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

        One day, Jethro asked, "Paw, what is Sex?"

        Paw says, "Since you are a big boy I will show you."

        Paw hollers, "Maw get yourself in here!"

        Paw then says,"Maw, take your clothes off and get on the bed. Now spread your legs."

        Paw says,"Jethro see that thar little hole? Now watch this!"

        In the midst of Paw's demonstration Little Sally comes in and exclaims, "What is going on?

        "Jethro answers, "Paw is teaching me about sex.

        "Little Sally asks, "What is Sex?

        "Jethro replies, "See that little hole on Paw? Now watch this!"


          Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

          A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

          None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Herb Alpert. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

          "Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna screw it as soon as I figure out how to get its pajamas off."
          WALTER IS MY HERO!!


            Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

            A burglar breaks into a house and disturbs a couple in their bedroom. "I'll have to shoot you now you've seen me" says the burglar, "but only after you tell me your name." "My name is Margaret" she replies. "Oh my God! My wife's name is Margaret, we live in St Margaret's Street, my dog is called Margaret: its my favourite name. I can't kill you. What about your husband?" "Well, my name is Bob, but everyone calls me Margaret..."
            WALTER IS MY HERO!!


              Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

              The Pregnant Nun

              A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
              "Gaining a little weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked.
              "No, Father. Just a little gas." Sister Susan explained.
              A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight.
              "Gaining some weight are we, Sister Susan?" he asked again.
              "Oh no, Father. Just a little gas." She replied again.
              A couple of months later the priest noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby carriage around the convent.
              He leaned over and looked in the carriage and said, "Cute little fart."
              WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

                Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk in a stuttering voice: "Do you have dildos?"

                The clerk, trying as hard as he could not to burst out laughing, politely replies: "Yes, we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different models. Can I help you find one?"

                The old woman then asks: "Do you carry a pink one, 10-inches long and about two inches thick and battery-powered?�

                The clerk responds: "Yes, we do."

                She asks: "Do you know how to turn the g*dd*mn son of a b!*ch off?"
                WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                  Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                  never presume

                  A school teacher asked her students to make a sentence containing the expression, 'I presumed'
                  One little girl held up her hand and said:
                  "Yesterday, my mother hand washed the dinner dishes and I presumed that the dishwasher was broken."
                  "Very good", said the teacher.
                  Another one said:
                  "This morning, my father drove the Volkswagen out of the garage.
                  I presumed that the BMW wouldn't start."
                  "That's excellent," says the teacher.

                  Little Johnny, at the back of the classroom, gets up and says:
                  "Yesterday, I saw grandpa leave the house with a newspaper under his arm,
                  and headed for the bush. I presumed that"
                  The teacher interrupted him and said,
                  "I stopped you because you have no idea what your grandfather was going to do, so you can't presume anything."
                  "Johnny says, please teacher let me finish my sentence."
                  The teacher says,
                  "Very well. Continue."
                  "As I was saying,
                  I saw my grandpa heading for the bush with a newspaper under his arm.
                  I presumed he was going for a s**t because he can't read."
                  WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                    1. Innovative
                    2. Preliminary
                    3. Proliferation
                    4. Cinnamon

                    1. Specificity
                    2. Anti-constitutionalistically
                    3. Passive-aggressive disorder
                    4. Transubstantiate

                    1. No thanks, I'm married.
                    2. Nope, no more booze for me!
                    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
                    4. Taco Bell? No thanks, I'm not hungry.
                    5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
                    6. Oh, I couldn't! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
                    7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
                    8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool!
                    9. Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
                    10. I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.
                    WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                      Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                      John, Bob and a Hobo are heading home from the pub.
                      On the way they come across a scary old mansion that is absolutely swarming with flies.
                      John sees an opportunity to make some money and turns to the others and says,
                      "Hey guys, I have an idea. How's about we make a bet? We each put in $10 and whoever lasts the longest in that fly-infested house gets to take the lot."
                      The others agree and each tosses in $10.

                      Bob is the first to enter.
                      He manages to stay in the house for about 3 hours before he bursts out of the house screaming,
                      "TOO MUCH FLIES! TOO MUCH FLIES!"

                      Laughing, John then enters the house in total confidence that he can win.
                      He manages to stay inside for 3 whole days before he rushes out of the house screaming,
                      "TOO MUCH FLIES! TOO MUCH FLIES!"

                      Lastly the Hobo enters.
                      He manages to stay for 1 day.
                      Then 3 days.
                      Then a week.
                      Finally 3 weeks go past before he finally exits.
                      The others are stunned!
                      "How the hell did you manage to stay in there for 3 whole weeks?!"

                      The Hobo turns to them and says,
                      "Well I took a dump in the corner and since then they left me alone."
                      WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                        Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                        We've all heard about men having guts and men having balls. In fact, they are both slang for �courage.� But you know what? They aren't synonyms.

                        Do you want to know the difference between them?

                        In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below.

                        Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom and having the audacity to ask, "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

                        Balls is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"
                        WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                          Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                          I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok recently, to get my testicles checked out.
                          While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
                          I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
                          She replied, "No, but I have!"
                          WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                            Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                            Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.

                            Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

                            They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

                            The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

                            They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

                            Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

                            When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

                            After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

                            The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
                            WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                              Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                              Eating light bulbs

                              Little Johnny has to write a story about someone in his family that does something amazing. The next day, he returns and tells the class that his father eats light bulbs.

                              "How do you know that?" asks his teacher.

                              "I heard him say it. He and Mom were in the bedroom and he said: If you turn out the light, I'll eat that thing."

                              WALTER IS MY HERO!!


                                Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                                The Psychic

                                Two blondes are sitting on big tree branch.

                                One of them is sawing the branch they're sitting on, obviously near the tree trunk.

                                Thankfully, a very old lady is passing by and realises what is about to happen:

                                Old Lady: GIRLS! What are you doing? You're going to fall and hurt yourselves!
                                Blonde 1: HAHA... Can you believe her?
                                Blonde 2: She's so stupid, I guess that happens sometimes when you get old.

                                The old lady angry at the girls, but knowing what is about to happen, decides to leave them alone.

                                Inevitably, the branch breaks, the blondes fall and hurt themselves badly.

                                They wake up at the hospital with casts on their arms and legs, unable to move.

                                Suddenly, Blonde 1 sees the very same old lady walking by them.
                                She turns to the other:

                                Blonde 1: *whispering* Hey, HEY... Look! The Psychic!!!
                                WALTER IS MY HERO!!