Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die for a good cause, a young man shouts "I will sacrifice my life for all of you!"

Everyone claps.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are sitting in a park, when suddenly they see a cat passing by.

Zoophile: "Let's f*** the cat."

Sadist: "Let's f*** the cat and then torture it!"

Murderer: "Let's f*** the cat, torture it and then kill it!"

Necrophile: "Let's f*** the cat, torture it, kill it and then f*** it again!"

Pyromaniac: "Let's f*** the cat, torture it, kill it, f*** it again and then burn it!"

There's a silence. They turn to the masochist who looks at them with puppy eyes and softly says: "Meeeow..."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Dave is sitting at the bar with his friend Mike, confiding in him about his troubled love life.

"I'm crazy about this girl at work" Dave starts, "but I can't even look at her without getting a massive erection. How am I supposed to ask her out if I can't even look at her without losing the run of myself?"

Mike pauses for a moment and shares with Dave,

"Dude I have had this problem before."

"Really?" asks Dave.

"Yeah man, I used duct tape. Strapped my piece to my leg and I didn't have to worry about it when I made my move."

Dave decides it's worth a shot, thanks Mike, drains his beer and leaves.

The pair meet at the bar the following evening and Dave seems more down than before.

"What's up Dave? How did it go?" enquires Mike, eager for answers.

"I took your advice" he replied. "It did it all. Taped my piece to my leg, got dressed for work and marched right up to her."

"So what happened?!" presses Mike.

"Well I reached her just as she was taking her coat off and she turns around wearing this insanely tight dress...."

Dave trails off.

"What did you say to her?" Mike asks

"I kicked her in the face."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Lost in Costco

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Costco when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." "The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra." "What does your wife look like?" asks the young man. The old guy says, "Doesn't matter, let's look for yours."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A Scotsman and a Newfie were walking down the road when they saw a sheep with its head stuck in the fence.

"A'right! The perfect opportunity!" cried the Scotsman, who lifted his kilt and leapt on the backside of the sheep, shagging it furiously until he was satisfied.

Smiling, the Scotsman smoothed out his kilt and turned to the Newfie. "Go on," he said, "It's your turn."

"Okay!" said the Newfie, and stuck his head in the fence.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[Moon1]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

What's the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can't hear an enzyme.

Don't be silly, Piz. You can hear enzymes. They might be hard to hear though, as in armed forces having enzymes they are officers junior in rank to lieutenants. .

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man goes into the doctors with butt pain

Man: Doctor my butt really hurts, I need help

Doctor: Can I take a look?

Man: Sure

Doctor: It seems you have a piece of lettuce stuck inside your butt

Man: That's just the tip of the iceberg

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Two redneck buddies are out having a nice dinner. The restaurant was overflowing with people chatting and chewing. Right as the two of them were about to order dessert they hear: “someone help! She’s choking!” from across the restaurant. One of the rednecks jumps up and tears through the crowd yelling “I got this!” He finally reaches the choking woman right as her lips started to turn blue. He takes her by the shoulders from behind and forces her to bend over. While one swift move he bends down behind her, lifts her dress, and licks her right on her butt cheek. The woman is so surprised that she immediately spits out the piece of food she was choking on. She gives the redneck a weary “thank you” and sits back down. The redneck gets back to his seat, all the while his buddy is sitting there with his mouth open. His buddy says “man, what the heck was that about?!” The redneck looks at him confused and says “what? You ain’t never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Two redneck buddies are out having a nice dinner. The restaurant was overflowing with people chatting and chewing. Right as the two of them were about to order dessert they hear: “someone help! She’s choking!” from across the restaurant. One of the rednecks jumps up and tears through the crowd yelling “I got this!” He finally reaches the choking woman right as her lips started to turn blue. He takes her by the shoulders from behind and forces her to bend over. While one swift move he bends down behind her, lifts her dress, and licks her right on her butt cheek. The woman is so surprised that she immediately spits out the piece of food she was choking on. She gives the redneck a weary “thank you” and sits back down. The redneck gets back to his seat, all the while his buddy is sitting there with his mouth open. His buddy says “man, what the heck was that about?!” The redneck looks at him confused and says “what? You ain’t never heard of the hind-lick maneuver?”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said,

"I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do."

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A ventriloquist

walks into a small village and sees a local farmer sitting in his porch petting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he walks up to him and says "Can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how are you today??"

Dog: "Very well, thanks."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yes"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Very good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Um, I don't think the horse talks..."

Ventriloquist: "Hello horse, how are you?"

Horse: "I'm doing great"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yes"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Very well, he rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

Villager: "That sheep's a f***ing liar!!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

How do you get Americans to join a World War?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An old married couple are driving down the road.

They run over a mama skunk and the wife insists that they go back and pick up the baby skunk.

She says to her husband, "The poor thing is freezing."

"Put him between your legs and warm him up." is the husband's reply.

"But what about the smell?" she asks.

The husband says, "Just hold his little nose and he should be fine."