Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

4 nuns died in a car crash.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and says "The only reason you aren't already inside is because you have sinned and never confessed. This is your amnesty, if you have a confession, now's the time."

The first nun was very hesitant but finally stepped forward. "I saw a man's penis once and had impure thoughts."

St. Peter replied, "That's okay, just wash your eyes out with holy water, and you may enter."

The second nun stepped forward. "I touched a man's penis once."

"That's okay, Sister," St. Peter replied. "Just wash your hands in holy water, and you may enter."

The fourth nun begins to cut in front of the third, and an all-out brawl breaks out between the two. Habits and hair go flying as St. Peter breaks it up. "Sisters, what has gotten into you two?"

The fourth nun, brushing herself off, says, "I only wanted to rinse my mouth out before she sticks her ass in that water."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

never mind

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A priest and a rabbi are friends . . .

And the priest is always talking to the rabbi about how great ham sandwiches are, and how he's totally missing out by not being able to eat them. Every time they have lunch together, he orders a ham sandwich, and spends the entire meal raving about how salty and savory and delicious it is. Any time the rabbi so much as mentions matzo, or gefilte fish, or any other Jewish dishes, the priest is right there, piping up about how sure, that's tasty, but it's nothing compared to a good ham sandwich.

So finally, the rabbi says "okay, since you won't stop talking about how amazing it is, I'll try a ham sandwich. But, in return, you have to try something your religion forbids."

And the priest thinks about it, and he agrees. So the next day, he brings the rabbi a ham sandwich.

The rabbi takes the sandwich, he holds it in his hands for a few seconds. Finally he raises it to his lips, and he takes a bite.

"See, it's good, isn't it!" says the priest. "I told you were really missing out. I bet you wish you could have these whenever you want."

The rabbi chews thoughtfully, and then he swallows, and he nods. "Yes, this is a good sandwich."

At that moment, there's a knock at the door. "Ah, I think it's your turn," says the rabbi.

The priest opens the door, and there's a gorgeous woman standing there. She takes the priest by the hand and leads him into another room.

An hour later, the woman leaves, nodding goodbye to the rabbi, who gets up, goes over to the other room, and looks in. The priest is lying there on the bed, half-dressed, looking dazed.

"It's a lot better than ham, isn't it?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

husband ---"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

wife ---"Our children have names, Harold!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals


sorry.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A little girl asks her grandpa, "Would you make a frog noise for me, Grandpa?"

The grandpa, confused, asks, "Why?"

The little girl replies, "Dad says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland".

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

If you shrunk the solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet,

Uranus would be right about where you'd expect it to be.

So those rings around Uranus, that would positively make them a gaseous matter then.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."

A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." .
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back. Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak." .
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.

Doctor: "But this is $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender greets him and says, "for 5 bucks, I'll show you something amazing."

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

"Wow he's amazing. Where did you get him!?!"

He bartender replied, "there is a genie on the corner, he'll grant you one wish."

The guy leaves the bar, finds the genie and says, "I want a million bucks!"

All of a sudden ducks start falling out of the sky.

The guy runs back to the bar to escape all the ducks and asks, "what's wrong with that genie? I asked for a million bucks, and ducks started falling out of the sky!"

The bartender shakes his head and says, "He's hard of hearing. Do you seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Bought a deodrant stick today...

It said 'remove top and push up bottom' I can hardly walk but my farts smell lovely.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A farm boy graduated from college with a degree in journalism.

He got hired immediately and way told his first assignment was to write a human interest sorry. Being from the country, he decided to go back home to do his research.

He went to an old farmer's house way out in the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and explained what he was there to do. The young man asked "Has anything happened around here that's made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute, then struck his knee and exclaimed "You betcha! One time one of my neighbor's sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found the sheep! Then we each took turns f***in' the sheep before takin' it home."

"I can't print that!" the young man shouted. "Can you think of anything that's happened around here that's made a lot of people happy?"

The farmer thought for a moment, smacked his knee and said "A-yup! One time my neighbor's daughter, a real good lookin' gal, got lost! Well we rounded up the posse again and found her! Then we all took turns f***in' her before takin' her home."

The young man sighed. "Well, I can't use that either! Let's try something else. Can you think of a time when you were really sad?"

The farmer dropped his head as if he were ashamed. After a few seconds, he looked up timidly and said,. "I got lost once..."