Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The swordfish has few predators to worry about in the wild,

Except for the seldom seen penfish which is said to be even mightier.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

My mother handed me $20

"Take your brother to see a movie for his birthday. Keep him out until 2:00 while your father and I set up his surprise party."

That was the day I realized my brother was the favourite twin.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An Oh God! joke

One cold winter's morning a tramp was walking along a country road, when he heard a cry for help from a nearby lake.

He turned to see a little girl struggling in the broken ice in the middle of the lake. She'd been skating and had fallen into the icy water. Without a moment's hesitation the tramp ran onto the ice and slipped and slided over to the little girl. He managed to pull her out without breaking the ice further and he carried her back to the road.

He took off his coat and wrapped the little girl in it and began looking for a car to flag down. A few moments later a huge chauffeur-driven limo pulled up, and who stepped out but the little girl's father - the mayor of the nearby town and a multi-millionaire.

"How can I ever thank you sir?" says the father after putting his daughterinto the warmth of the limo.

"Just name your price - I'm a wealthy man."

"Ahem, well ..." stammered the tramp "...eh I'm a little short of cash, perhaps you could help me out"

"Certainly" says the girl's father and he pulls out his wallet.

"Oh dear" says the father, "I don't carry much cash with me, I only have ten dollars - but come home with me and I'll get more from the safe"

"No! No!" says the tramp, "Why ten dollars is more money than I've seen in my whole life - that will be plenty".

"Well, if you insist" says the father - "now what will you do with your money?"

"Oh that's easy" says the tramp "I've not had a rest in 20 years. I think I'll buy myself a holiday"

"Well good luck" says the father, and he gets into the car and signals his chauffeur to drive home.

"Ten Dollars" thinks the tramp, "I'm rich! I'm rich!", and off he goes to the town, to buy himself a holiday.

He finds a travel agent, walks in - much to the disgust of the staff - and goes up to the desk.

"I'll have one holiday please!"

"Ahem, which holiday would sir like" asked the girl at the desk, forcing a smile.

"Oh, any holiday I don't mind" replied the tramp.

"Well how much money does sir have to spend on sir's holiday?"

"Oh lots - anything up to ten dollars"

"TEN DOLLARS!! You'll never get a holiday for ten dollars" says the girl incredulously.

"Oh dear" said the tramp, "and I was so looking forward to a holiday - I'll probably never get another chance - isn't there anything you can do?"

"Well I don't think so sir, but hold on and I'll check"

The girl goes into the back of the shop, and searches in the deepest, dustiest filing drawers she can find. There - to her amazement - she finds an old file.

"Well you'll never believe it" she says to the tramp, back in the shop.

"I've got you a holiday - its a super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class round the world cruise - and it costs ten dollars"

"Yippee", exclaims the tramp, "I'll take it"

The tramp takes the tickets and, shouldering his dirty old pack, he heads out the door to hitch-hike to the port where the ship is waiting.

A few days later he arrives at the port, and there in the dock is the most beautiful, most elaborately decorated, most expensive looking ocean-going liner he has ever seen. Amazed at his luck and good fortune, he slings his pack over his shoulder, and marches up the gangplank.

"Get off my ship ye dirty bum!" shouts a voice, and an irate captain storms down the gangplank and kicks the tramp down onto the dockside.

"But I've got my ticket!", responds the tramp, "Super-duper, ultra-hyper, mega-economy class, and I want on!"

Hardly believeing his eyes, the captain examines the ticket and admits that our man the tramp is correct.

"Ahem, well O.K.", says the captain, "But you can't come on just now, I don't want my first-class passengers seeing you. Come back at midnight when it's dark and I'll let you on then."

So the tramp finds himself a quiet spot among some cargo cases on the dockside, and he falls asleep.

"Psst", says a voice, waking him with a start. It was the captain.

"Hurry up, it's midnight, let's get you to your cabin"

The tramp toddles after the captain, along the dockside, up the gangway, and onto the ship - and what a ship! The tramp had never in his wildest dreams imagined luxury like this.

First they went doen through the first class level:

Oriental carpets - 6" pile.

A genuine Rembrahndt on every wall.

Leave your shoes outside for cleaning, and the steward brings a new pair.

24 ct gold trim everywhere.

Then the second class:

As above, but perhaps the carpets were only 3" deep.

and so on...

3rd, 4th, 5th class,

down past the casinos, and the ballrooms, down through the crew's quarters, down through the galleys, and the engine rooms, until finally, at the lowest point in the ship, against the very hull, the captain opens a watertight door into a tiny 7' x 4' cabin, with, a hammock, a bedside table, and an alarm clock.

"Sheer luxury!" exclaimed the tramp, "A room of my very own."

"I'm glad you like it" replies the captain, "but there is one more thing..."

"Your class of ticket only allows you to use the facilities of the ship, at night - when all the other passengers are asleep. So that's what the alarm clock is for. Enjoy your cruise."

Well the cruise began, and the tramp had a whale of a time. Sleeping by day, and up on deck at night - he loved it. One-man-tennis, clay pigeon shooting, more food than he'd ever seen...

Then one morning, a week or so into the cruise, the tramp decided he'd have a go on the diving board of the pool. He had just enough time for one dive before he had to go below. He climbed up the ladder, stepped onto the board tip, bounced, and dived....

...and what a dive...!

Perfectly poised in the air, he hit the water without so much as a ripple. Now unknown to him, the captain - who'd grown rather fond of the poor old tramp - was standing watching this.

"That was amazing!" exclaimed the captain, "Where did you learn to dive like that?"

"Eh, well I've never actually dived before" replied the tramp.

"Well that's incredible!" says the captain, "I've never seen ...."

He broke off.

"Hey, I've an idea", he started again.

"How would you like to train a bit, and we'll put on a show for the other passengers. I'll pay you, and you can then afford to go first class!"

"It's a deal!" says our man.

For the next 3 weeks the tramp practices like he's never practiced. Back-flips, front-flips, triple-back sideways axled dives, you name it he tried it. Then one morning the captain came to talk.

"O.K. I'd like you to stay in your cabin for the next 2 days. We're going to erect a high diving board for you."

"O.K." agreed the tramp.

Two days passed, and the big day arrived. The ship was humming with excitement. Everyone wanted to see the mystery diver. The captain had provided the tramp with a new pair of swimming trunks and he wore these as he stepped out onto the sun-beaten deck.

Gasps of astonishment from the crowd, and a hushed awe. Then the tramp turned to regard the diving board. Higher than the eye could see, towering up and up, rose a slender column of metal.

"Well tramp" said the captain, shaking his hand, "Let's see what you can do."

And with that the Captain handed him a walkie talkie.

And the tramp began to climb....

up and up ...

up and up ...

higher and higher ...

below him the ship grew smaller ...

up and up ...

on and on ...

past a solitary albatross ...

and still higher, till the ship was but a speck on the ocean below ...

still further, till the ocean grew dim, and the earth itself began to shrink...

and higher, ever higher ...

on and on ....

higher, and higher, and on and on towards the diving board,

He climbed on top and radioed the captain .... and then...

he jumped .

slowly at first

but speeding up

faster, and faster

and by now the earth was growing large in the distance,

the oceans and land masses grew clear,

faster, and faster...

past the albatross,

faster

double-back somersault,

and he could see the ship, tiny in the distance,

hurtling down now, he posed, ready for the final 500 feet,

Down on the ship the crew strained their necks,

"I CAN SEE HIM!" yelled a passenger, "LOOK!!"

The tramp streaked down towards the pool, did a last triple flip, and dove...

NOT A RIPPLE ON THE SURFACE!

DOWN THROUGH THE WATER!

SMASHED THROUGH THE POOL BOTTOM!

DOWN THROUGH THE FIRST DECK!

SMASHING THROUGH THE SECOND!

DOWN!

DOWN!

THROUGH THE CREW'S QUARTERS!

THROUGH THE ENGINE ROOMS!

SMASHING THROUGH HIS OWN LITTLE CABIN!

AND DOWN THROUGH THE STEEL HULL OF THE SHIP!

STILL DOWN...!

DEEPER,

DEEPER INTO THE MURKY DEPTHS,

TILL..........

SMASH! into into the sea bed, sinking a 37' shaft in the process.

Desperate for air he struggle out of the shaft, his lungs bursting he swam frantically for the surface.

Up and up, desperate, gasping....

Out of the water, up the ladder onto the deck of the ship, into a throng wild with acclaim.

HERO! WONDERFUL! AMAZING! BLOODY GOOD SHOW WHAT!

And handing him a heated towel the captain spoke, as a hush fell over the crowd.

"Well tramp, I have NEVER seen anything like that, EVER. That was the most STUPENDOUS piece of diving I have ever seen"

The tramp blushed.

The captain went on:

"But tell me; most amazing of all is how you survived smashing through this boat after you dived - how did you do it."

And the tramp looked at the captain, and the crowd and replied modestly:

"Well you see I'm a poor tramp so you must understand...

I've been through many a hardship in my life"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man with tickets to the AFL GRAND FINAL finds his seat and relaxes. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No", he says. "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," says the stranger. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the AFL GRAND FINAL and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to my wife. I was supposed to come with her, but she passed away.

This is the first GRAND FINAL we haven't been to together since we got married in 1957."

The stranger replies, "Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. Couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head, "No. They're all at her funeral."

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I finally realized why Trump is always so angry. It turns out every morning he holds his own acronym in his hands.

Tiny
Really
Ugly
Mushroom
P

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

For those that don't venture over to The Chive site, they had a good joke over there today.

The fattest knight at King Arthur's Round Table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man went to the doctor and told him that he was having trouble maintaining an erection. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he could do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he were willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of implanting muscle tissue from an elephant's trunk in the man's penis.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of going through life without ever experiencing sex again was just too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty or adverse effect on the elephant, the man decided to go for it. A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to use his newly renovated equipment.

As a result, he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. She was leaning over the table in a low cut shirt, and sure enough he began to feel very uncomfortable. To release the pressure, he unzipped his fly. Suddenly his penis emerged from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a roll, and retreated into his pants.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly smile on her face said: "That was incredible. Can you do that again?"

With his eyes watering, he replied: "I think I can, but I'm not sure if I can take another dinner roll in the ass."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans...

walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group...

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.

"This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

Greatly encouraged, the man turned and started to walk away, then stopped and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

The herbalist replied, "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

Eager to see if it worked the man went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.

After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down.

One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away.

The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual.

Then came another gloriously beautiful evening -- red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze -- again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said,

"Um... would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

My wife believes in ghosts,

I'm just happy to have something to blame my farts on

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Women are actually turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for women turning.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I get embarrassed when my dog sniffs peoples' crotch

Especially because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.