Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

There is a proven way to stop your bacon from curling in your frying pan.

Take away their little brooms and rocks.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Interviewer : So where do you see yourself in the next 5 years ?

Me : I would say my biggest weakness is not listening

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A chicken farmer goes into a bar, takes a seat next to a woman, and orders a virgin daiquiri.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a virgin daiquiri too!"

He turns to her and says,

"What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. They clink glasses and he asks, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."

"That's great," says the woman. "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replies.

"What a coincidence," she said.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...

They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"

The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."

The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member.

The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um...that's nothing, sweetie."

Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk."

The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."

The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing."

The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A German is trying to to make his way to Paris

At the border, the French customs agent asks him

“Name?”

“Hans Mueller.”

“Place of residence?”

“Munich.”

“Occupation?”

“No, just vacation this time.”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

People always told me my dyslexia would hold me back and I'd never be any good at poetry.

But they couldn't be more wrong. So far I've made two jugs and a vase.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Squirrels In Church

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer
& consideration, they concluded the squirrels were predestined to be there, & they should not interfere with God's divine will.
At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.
The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.
But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrel's & made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.
Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue; they took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I had to take my mother to hospital yesterday after a giant bee landed on her face

Thankfully it didn't actually sting her, I was too quick with the shovel

[pizmo]

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[pizmo]

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[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look and sure enough, the man's penis is bright orange. The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

The man says "My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office so I don't come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make my self dinner, watch a little TV then get ready for bed."

The doctor asks "Do you do anything before bed?"

The man says "Nothing unusual, I just eat cheetos and surf the web"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Newfoundlanders Fire Insurance:

A man and his wife moved back home to Newfoundland , from Vancouver.

The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in BC was $2000.00 a year!

When they arrived in Newfoundland , they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.

The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'

The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Newfoundlandto insure, because it cost him $2000.00 in BC!

The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:

"Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread