Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A guy tries to walk into a bar

The bouncer says "No tie, no admittance".

The guy goes back to his car, looks for a tie but only finds jumper cables. He arranges them around his neck like a tie and heads back in.

The bouncer gives him an appraising glance, and says "OK; I'll let you in. But don't start anything!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

So the man decides to quit his job, and ride his horse into Montana, now he just wanted to go to ride, just the feeling of being free, as did his horse, and they created a great inseparable bond. But one day they're caught by a group of native Americans and they seize the man and his horse. They decided to put the man to death, but it is tradition to grant them 3 last wishes. They tie him up and they tell the man this and he says "my first wish is to speak to my horse" and they looked at each other, and said okay. They bring him his horse and he whispers something in the horses ear and the horse rides off into the sunset, and comes back with a beautiful naked woman on his back. The natives are happy, laughing, and then they ask him for his next wish, the man says, "let me speak to my horse again." This time they do not hesitate, they give him his horse, he whispers to the horse and the horse rides off into the distance and comes back with a beautiful naked woman on his back, the natives are laughing and telling stories. They ask the man what his last wish is, the man says, "let me speak to my horse again, but this time untie me," they hesitate for a moment. but decided to grant his wish, they untie him and he start beating the crap out of the horse screaming, "I SAID POSSE."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

How do you turn a duck into a soul singer.

Put it in the oven until it’s Bill Withers.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man's wife goes into labor

After hours in labor she finally gives birth to a boy who was born with nothing from the neck down but is otherwise healthy.

Regardless, the father still treats him like a regular boy. They play catch together and watch TV together. He teaches the boy about cars and how to treat women and he lives a relatively normal life despite his lack of a body.

The boy grows up strong and healthy and on the day he can finally have his first legal drink, his father carries him to the local bar. They walk in and his father places him on a bar stool.

"Bartender", he exclaims, "today is my son's birthday, he is a man today. Give him the biggest, strongest drink you have to offer." So the bartender makes a massive concoction of the strongest alcohols he has stocked and sticks a straw in it for the boy.

The boy takes a cautious sip. POP! Suddenly where there was nothing, the boy had grown a torso. Needless to say both the boy and the father were stunned.

The father is ecstatic. "Have another sip son", he urges. POP! Two arms appear from the torso. The father begins to yell and cheer and cry with excitement which gains the attention of the rest of the bar.

"Go on son!" Yells the father, "Finish the rest of the drink!"

With his new arms and hands the boy picks up the drink and finishes the rest of it in one gulp. POP! Legs suddenly shoot out from his torso, knocking him off the bar stool.

The bar goes absolutely wild. The father is crying and laughing, the other patrons are cheering and taking photos. Everyone is overjoyed at the miracle they had just witnessed.

The boy stands up on his new legs but, from a combination of never having walked before and being incredibly drunk from the alcohol, he is incredibly wobbly. He wobbles one way and then the next. He stumbles forward and out the door, into the street, onto the road where he is promptly hit by a bus and killed instantly.

The cheering stops. Everyone is stunned and silent.

The bartender, meanwhile, had been cleaning some glasses and just shakes his head. "It's a shame", he says, "A real shame. He should have quit while he was ahead."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

...they’ve been friends for a long time.

One day the chicken wakes up to this screaming and runs out of the farmer's house only to find the horse in a pit of mud sinking.

Chicken says, “holy ****, how the **** did you end up in here?”

Horse explains “I’m eating a little food, a little hay…next thing you know I’m sinking in the mud.”

So what happens? Chicken runs over to the farmer's house and gets the farmers BMW. Now it’s an 850, all black, waxed to perfection, all leather interior – it’s ****ing gorgeous. Hops in it, drives back over, ties a rope to the car and pulls his friend to safety.

The horse is grateful and says “anytime you need me, I’ll be there."

So what happens? About a week later, same thing only this time it’s the chicken sinking in a pit of mud.

Horse gallops over, sees his pal sinking in the mud, takes off to the farmer’s house but he can’t drive the BMW, runs back over, whips out his dick and the chicken climbs to safety.

Moral of the story – if you are hung like a horse, you don’t need a BMW to pick up chicks!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!!

What's the difference between Iron Man and iron woman

One is a super hero the other is a simple instruction.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

nevermind

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A guy climbs Everest...

At the middle a very sexy blonde stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

The ambitious climber replied: -Succeed, succeed.

And continued to climb.

Only 100 m to the peak of the mountain, a gorgeous looking brunette stops him and asks:

-Do you want me or to succeed?

-Succeed, Succeed!,

replied the climber and continued to climb even more ambitiously.

Only 20 meters remains to the glory. Suddenly a strong big man appears and says to him:

-Hello, my name is Seed.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

This Sunday is going to be good day for dyslexic men,

Dont forget your cocks go black.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

There once was a Native American who had only one testicle And whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment,

Onestone finally cracked and said,'

If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,

'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.

He made love to her all the next day,

Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until

A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,

Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.

She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

Then he made love to her all day,

Made love to her all night,

Made love to her all the next day,

Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ??? . . . . . . . .

You can't kill Two Birds With OneStone!!!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

If you watch a movie with Jackie Chan backwards...

You will get a documentary about a Chinese guy who assembles furniture with his feet.

[Hotrodzz]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

3 eggs 2 pieces of bacon and 2 pieces of toast walk into a bar, Bartender says "sorry we don't serve breakfast!"

2 radio antennaes got married, the wedding was good but the reception was excellent!!!

what did the baby corn say to the momma corn? wheres popcorn?

my friend thinks he's so smart, he says onions are the only food that make you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face!!!!!! my favourite

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The wedding ceremony came to the point where the minister asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom.
The moment of utter silence was broken when a beautiful young woman carrying a child stood up. She starts walking slowly towards the minister.
The congregation was aghast - you could almost hear a pin drop.
The groom's jaw dropped as he stared in disbelief at the approaching young woman and child.
Chaos ensued.
The bride threw the bouquet into the air and burst out crying.
Then the groom's mother fainted.
The best man and the ushers started giving each other looks and wondering how to save the situation.
The minister asked the woman, "Can you tell us, why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
There was absolute silence in the church.
The woman replied, "We can't hear you in the back."
And that illustrates what happens when people are considered guilty until proven innocent.