Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread 
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WALTER IS MY HERO!! -
Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
Truedeau was looking for a call girl. (Since we know how much he respects women). He found such girls in a local pub in Ottawa. A blonde, a brunette, and a red head.
To the blonde he proclaimed I am the Prime Minister of Canada! Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you? The blonde replied $200.00. To the brunette he asked the same question, and her reply was $100.00. He then asked the red head.
Her reply was Mr. Prime minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment, and screw me the way you have the seniors.
Then you can have it for free, like the immigrants.Comment
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WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
A man, called to testify at the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA),
asked his accountant for advice on what to wear.
"Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let them think
you are a pauper," the accountant replied.
Then he asked his lawyer the same question
but got the opposite advice.
"Do not let them intimidate you. Wear
your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his priest, told him of the conflicting
advice, and requested some resolution to the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the Priest.
"A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what
to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long,
flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck."
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting
advice. "Wear your most sexy negligee, with
a V neck right down to your navel."
The man protested: "What does all this have
to do with my problem with the CRA?"
"Simple", replied the Priest. "It doesn't matter
what you wear, you are going to get screwed!"
HAPPY TAX RETURNS !!!!
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
Billy Graham was returning home after a speaking engagement.
When his plane arrived at the airport, there was a long black limousine to transport him.
Just as he was about to get in the back of the limo, he stopped.
He whispered to the driver who was holding the door open for him. “You know” he said, “I am 87 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?”
The driver said, “No problem. Have at it.”
Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed out to the interstate.
Lurking behind an exit ramp a short distance from the airport, sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone. The trooper pulled out in pursuit and easily caught the limo. He pulled up behind, and got out of his North Carolina State patrol car.
The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door. When the window was rolled down he was very surprised to see who was driving.
Trying desperately to maintain his professional attitude, he immediately excused himself and walked back to his car and called his supervisor.
He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.”
The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s more important than that.”
The supervisor said, “Oh, so it’s the President.”
The young trooper said, “No, he’s even more important than that.”
The supervisor finally asked, “Well then, who is it?”
The young trooper said, “I think it’s Jesus because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!”Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
Two guys are talking over a beer, discussing various sex positions. The first guy says his favourite position is the "rodeo". The other guy asks what the position is, and how to do it?
The first guy says, "You tell your wife to get on the bed on all fours and then do it doggy style. Once things start to get underway and she's really enjoying it, lean forward and whisper in her ear - 'Your sister likes this position too'..... Then try to hang on for 8 seconds."WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
A penguin is driving his car when he notices that the check engine light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first auto shop. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk. He sees an ice-cream shop and decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No no,” the penguin replies, “it’s just vanilla ice cream."WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
A chicken walks into the library. It goes up to the circulation desk and says: "book, bok, bok, boook". The librarian hands the chicken a book. It tucks it under his wing and runs out. A while later, the chicken runs back in, throws the first book into the return bin and goes back to the librarian saying: "book, bok, bok, bok, boook". Again the librarian gives it a book, and the chicken runs out. The librarian shakes her head. Within a few minutes, the chicken is back, returns the book and starts all over again: "boook, book, bok bok boook". The librarian gives him yet a third book, but this time as the chicken is running out the door, she follows it. The chicken runs down the street, through the park and down to the riverbank. There, sitting on a lily pad is a big, green frog. The chicken holds up the book and shows it to the frog, saying: "Book, bok, bok, boook". The frog blinks, and croaks: "reddit, reddit, reddit”WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
Three men go to hell and they’re pissed
“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”
Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
The men let out a cheer. This wouldn’t be so hard.
The first man steps up and observes his surroundings. Finally, he picks a sturdy looking boulder to place on his back. “Ready,” he says.
Satan raises his whip and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The boulder immediately splits in half.
“Aw **** this,” says the first man. “I’ll just stay.”
Satan smirks and asks, “Who’s next?”
The second man steps up and, without picking any protection, gets in position.
“Are you sure about that?” asks Satan, to which the man replies with
“I have trained my mind and body to ignore any unnecessary pain. I need no protection.”
“Whatever you say, pal.” Satan raises his arm and yells, “ONE!”
CRACK
The man slightly flinches, his pain evident, but he remains upright.
Annoyance flashes across Satan’s face. He raises his arm again and shouts, “TWO!”
CRACK
Again, the man remains upright, all the way up to the tenth whipping.
The man gets up, weary but happy. Satan looks furious and says, “Whatever, goodjob. You, third guy, you’re next. What are you picking?”
The third man takes in his surroundings, lays his eyes on his choice and says, “I’m gonna pick the second guy.”WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
The teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."
"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"
"Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, 'don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"That was a fine story Sarah. “Joey, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me a story about my Aunt Carol. Aunt Carol was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't fall into enemy hands, and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, 'til the blade broke and then she killed the last one with her bare hands."
"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "What kind of moral did your daddy teach you from that horrible story?"
"Stay the **** away from Aunt Carol when she's been drinking.”WALTER IS MY HERO!!Comment
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Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread
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