Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

So I’m driving down the road in a snow storm and I come across this car in the ditch. The second one of the day!

I approach the car and see a woman inside waiting patiently for help.

I said to the woman “ you’re the second pregnant woman that I’ve pulled out of the ditch today”

The woman looks quite offended and say “I’m not pregnant you a-hole”

I gladly respond to her “ You’re not out of the ditch yet either”

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'
She replied 'No,we have a problem,we are a couple,we are married,we are a unit,
your problem is my problem we are in this together!'
Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'
But she was insistent on knowing, 'what's is the problem?'
I then had to explain to her that 'WE have got your sister pregnant!.'

- - - Updated - - -

As the doctor went through my notes, he said, "The surgery has risks. You will almost certainly regain the sight in your eyes but there is a chance it will affect your ability to maintain an erection."
I said, "How come?"
He said, "Well ... your wife is very ugly."

- - - Updated - - -

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a
while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that
money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to a Golf course. A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?'

So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my
hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I
surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20, or
off it comes.' "

"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Not everybody pays."

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GOODBYE MOM


A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout, and as she was on her way out of the store, the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.

Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.

"How come so much ... I only bought 5 items.."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."

Don't trust little Old Ladies!!!

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A FEW BLATANTLY PIRATED FROM THE CHIVE :

What do you call a man with 2 donkeys ?
Biased.

I bought my wife a pug as a present. Despite the squashed nose, bulging eyes and rolls of fat, the dog seems to like her.

Nurse comes in and tells the doctor, " there is a man in the waiting room that says he is invisible. What shall I tell him ?"
Doctor replies, " tell him I can't see him today."

I got gas today for $ 1.39.
Gotta love Taco Bell.

What kind of music do mummies listen to ? Wrap.

Whitin minutes the detective figured out what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Q. 500 bricks are on a plane. One falls off. How many are left?

A. 499

Q. What are three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open Door, put elephant in refrigerator, close door

Q. What are four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?

A. Open door, take elephant out of refrigerator, put giraffe in refrigerator, close door

Q. The lion throws a huge birthday party. All the animals but one go. Which is it and why?

A. The giraffe: he's still in the refrigerator

Q. Sally swims across an alligator infested river and doesn't get eaten. How?

A. The alligators are at the lion's birthday party

Q. Sally is found dead within the next 5 minutes: why?

A. She was hit by a brick falling from the sky

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Back when Harry Caray was alive and calling Cubs games, WGN showed a young amorous couple in the bleachers.
In the 8th inning Harry said, "I've been watching them all game and I've figured it out - he kisses her on the strikes, she kisses him on the balls."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A young couple was making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl yelled, "Whip me. Whip me!"

The guy, eager to please, obviously didn't have a whip, but, in a flash of inspiration, opened his window, snapped the radio antenna off his van, and they shared it until they both collapsed in a sadomasochistic ecstasy.

A week later, the girl noticed that the marks left by their lovemaking session were starting to fester, so she asked her doctor to check them out.

The doctor took one look and asked, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Embarrassed, she admitted that she did.

The doctor nodded. "I thought so. In all my years of doctoring... this is the worst case of 'Van Aerial Disease' I've ever seen!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread