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    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    Psychiatrist vs Bartender

    As a child, I always had a fear of someone under the bed at night. So
    I went to a shrink and told him: I've got problems. Every time I go
    to bed I think there’s somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm
    going crazy.”
    “Just put yourself in my hands for one year,” said the shrink.... “Come
    talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of
    those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars
    per visit,” replied the doctor.
    “I'll sleep on it,” I said.
    Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you
    come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.
    “Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A
    bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that
    money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.”
    “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask,
    did a bartender cure you?”
    “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain’t nobody under there now.”
    It’s always better to get a second opinion

    Comment


      Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

      An oldie, but a goodie, and timely:

      Dearest John:
      I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

      With dearest love and affection, Agnes

      ***

      December 15th

      Dearest John:

      Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

      All my love, Agnes

      ***

      December 16th

      Dear John:

      Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.

      Love Agnes

      ***

      December 17th

      Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.

      Affectionately, Agnes

      ***

      December 18th

      Dearest John:

      What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.

      All my love, Agnes

      ***

      December 19th

      Dear John:

      When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!

      Cordially, Agnes

      ***

      December 20th

      John:

      What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.

      Sincerely, Agnes

      ***

      December 21st

      OK Buster:

      I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .

      Ag

      ***

      December 22nd

      Hey:

      What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.

      From Ag

      ***

      December 23rd

      You Creep!

      Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.

      One who means it, Ag

      ***

      December 24th

      Listen Idiot:

      What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.

      Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister

      ***

      December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)

      Dear Sir:

      This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

      -Merry Christmas

      Comment


        Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

        God bless ya, piz...

        ...Let's keep this thread going in his memory.
        Out of my mind; back in five minutes.

        Comment


          Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

          I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


          RIP Piz

          Comment


            Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

            Originally posted by Esks4ever View Post
            I'm glad I changed the title to this thread... now it needs to be enshrined...


            RIP Piz


            - - - Updated - - -

            I was standing at the bar in Terminal 3 at the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

            I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

            He says, "No I don't. And why the heck would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

            "No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little ****!"

            - - - Updated - - -

            I didn't know I was getting old until I saw grey hairs in my son's whiskers.

            Comment


              Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

              There he goes. One of God's own prototypes. A high-powered mutant of some kind never even considered for mass production. Too weird to live, and too rare to die.

              Comment


                Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                I'M ABSOLUTELY FUMING, CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
                WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 10X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
                I AM EXTREMELY ANNOYED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT BECAUSE THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON Merry Christmas

                Comment


                  Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                  The 58 year old woman went to her doctor and asked for a prescription for birth control pills.
                  "But you don't need them at your age," her GP said.
                  But the patient went on to explain that she had tried some recently and realized that she couldn't sleep well without them.
                  "But birth control pills have no tranquilizing agent in them" the Doctor informed her.
                  "Well, I don't know what they have or what they don't have in them, but I give them to my daughter before she goes out each night, and i'm telling you Doc, that I sleep much, much better."


                  Medicinal Knowledge
                  The lady teacher asks her pupils what kind of medicines they know of,
                  and what they are used for:

                  The first pupil said: Panadol?
                  Very good! And what is it used for?
                  It is used for a headache.

                  The second pupil said: Piriton.
                  Excellent. And what it is used for?
                  To help you sleep.

                  Now it is Johnny's turn and he said: Viagra.

                  So, Johnny, What is it used for?
                  I think it can be used to stop diarrhea.
                  Who told you this?

                  Nobody, but every evening my mother tells my father
                  'Take a Viagra, maybe that little **** will get harder'.

                  The teacher had to leave the room!



                  Why Men Should NEVER fear being replaced by artificial devices....
                  As the evening wore on, and with a few drinks under her belt, the very attractive and well endowed amazon in the tavern was expounding at length on the Women's Liberation Movement and about how she could get along sexually very nicely without any male involvement.
                  After he had listened for quite some time to her harangue, the quiet sipper a few bar stools away suddenly interrupted.
                  "OK, Miss Smartass" he rumbled, and as he gathered up his courage said, "If your vibrator can do anything a man can do, let's see it pay for the next round of drinks!"

                  Comment


                    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                    Some George Carlin (1937 to 2008) Quotes:

                    “Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that”.

                    “I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.”

                    “I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

                    “Atheism is a non-profit organization.

                    Comment


                      Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                      Some amusing sports quotes:

                      “All pro athletes are bilingual, they speak English and profanity”.
                      - Gordie Howe

                      “Its just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up”.
                      - Mohammed Ali

                      “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein”.
                      - Joe Theismann

                      “I don't think there's anybody in this organization not focused on the 49ers ... I mean Chargers”.
                      - Bill Belichick

                      “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
                      - Rodney Dangerfield

                      Comment


                        Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                        It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

                        A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. He's now a seasoned veteran.

                        I hate those wooden Russian dolls...so full of themselves.

                        I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

                        Last night my girlfriend and I watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the screen.

                        Comment


                          Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                          Interesting health fact:

                          Did you know that in the human body there is a nerve that connects the eyeball to the anus? It's called the Anal Optic Nerve, and it is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life. If you don't believe it, try to pull a hair from your arse and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye!
                          ************************************************** ******************************************

                          A guy sees a good looking, we'll built young lady, so he goes to her and asks "may I bite your breasts for $10?" She shreaks "what?? No!" He says "how bout $100?" She replies "no, take a hike!" He says "come on, $1000?" She says "well... ok" so he takes her out of sight, and he's licking and sucking and fondling her breasts. Finally she says "well, hurry up! Are you going to bite them or what?" He says "naw... too expensive!"
                          ************************************************** *****************************************

                          A father walks into a restaurant with his young son..*
                          He gives the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.*
                          Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face..*
                          The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back.*
                          The boy coughs up 2 of the nickels, but keeps choking.*
                          Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.*
                          A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.*
                          Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.*
                          After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.*
                          Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.*
                          As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
                          The woman replied, "No. I'm with Revenue Canada."
                          ************************************************** ******************************************

                          The old don lay on his death bed breathing his last. His young spoiled son sat by his side.*
                          "Come closer Vinny." said the old don. "I won't be around much longer now, and you are gonna have to take care a' things. I want you to have my chrome plated revolver; the one with pearl grips."
                          Vinny: "I don't want your gun. Whatsa' matter with giving me your watch, instead?"
                          The don: "Listen Vinny. Some day you gonna have a beautiful wife and some bambini with her. Nice house, nice cars. You gonna be out makin' money, and you come home early. You climb the stairs and maybe you find a fella in your bed with your wife!"
                          "What you gonna do then? Point to you watch, and say: "Hey pal! Time's up!"
                          ************************************************** *****************************************
                          In the late Fall, the Indians out on the Siksika Nation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
                          Since he was a Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the Old Ways. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
                          Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his people that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
                          But, being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea.
                          He went to the phone booth, called The Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
                          'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
                          So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
                          A week later, he called The Weather Network again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
                          'Yes,' the meteorologist again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
                          The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
                          Two weeks later, the Chief called The Weather Network again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
                          'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
                          'How can you be so sure?' the Chief asked.
                          The watherman replied, 'Because the Indians are collecting tons of firewood.'
                          ************************************************** ******************************************


                          While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.
                          Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
                          As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
                          "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
                          She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
                          "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
                          "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
                          Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
                          We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
                          "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
                          "Still in the ditch with my Harley."

                          Comment


                            Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                            On their way to get married, a young couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven? After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

                            Comment


                              Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                              I was walking and talking with a First Nations Elder and as we went along we found a small rock in our path. The elder picked the rock up, looked at it intensely and told me, "This is a very sexual stone". I asked him in amazement how he knew such a thing.

                              He looked at me like I was stupid and replied, "It's a F***ing Rock!!!"
                              __________________

                              A man gets pulled over for speeding, the cop approaches his car and he rolls the window down,*
                              Officer; licence and registration please.*
                              Driver; sorry officer, I lost my licence after my third DUI, and as for registration, it's not my car, I stole it, but I think I saw it when I put my handgun in the glove box.
                              Officer; you've got a gun in the glove box?
                              Driver; yes sir, I used it to shoot the owner of the car... she's in the trunk.
                              Officer; you've got a BODY in the trunk?*
                              Driver; yes sir, I couldn't just leave her in the parking lot.
                              Officer, DON'T MOVE!*
                              Officer goes back to his car and within minutes 6 squad cars show up with sirens wailing and lights flashing!
                              The chief cautiously approaches the drivers window.
                              Chief; licence and registration please, driver hands it over, licence is valid, car is registered in his name,*
                              Chief; open the glove box please, driver opens glove box, it's empty.
                              Chief; pop the trunk please sir,*
                              Driver pops the trunk, it's empty... chief approaches the drivers window again and says, I don't understand, the officer who pulled you over said that you had lost your licence, that you'd stolen the car, that you had a handgun in the glove box and a BODY in the trunk!*
                              Driver; I'll bet that lying S.O.B said I was speeding too! Didn't he?
                              ************************************************** **********************************
                              Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged four.
                              As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot told them the plane could take only two moose.
                              The two hunters objected strongly, stating, “Last year we shot four moose, and the pilot let us put them all on board, and he had the same plane as yours.”
                              Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all four were loaded.
                              Unfortunately, even at full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and crashed a few minutes after takeoff.
                              Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, “Any idea where we are?”
                              He replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
                              ************************************************** ****************************
                              A man and woman dated for a long time and they were both very self conscious about something. She had stinky feet, and he had bad breath.
                              They would always try to avoid situations where these flaws would be found out by the other person.
                              Finally , one day the man asks the woman to marry him. She is concerned that now he will for sure find out about her stinky feet. And he was very worried that she would for sure find out he had bad breath.*
                              The first night laying in their bed he pipes up and says, " Honey, I love you dearly but I have been keeping a secret from you. I need to reveal the secret."
                              She says," I think I know what your secret is, ... You ate my socks."
                              ************************************************** ****************************************
                              A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
                              Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a
                              quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows."
                              "We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball
                              with my wife's monogram on it........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt.
                              That's when I made my mistake."
                              "What did you do?" asks the doctor.
                              "Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, hey, this looks like yours!"
                              ************************************************** ***********************
                              A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
                              As the RCMP officer walked to her car window, flipping open his
                              ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the
                              RCMP Patrolmen's Ball."
                              He replied, "RCMP patrolmen don't have balls."
                              There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd
                              just said.
                              He then closed his book, got back into his car and left.
                              ************************************************** ******************
                              A pretty redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce
                              and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to
                              mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized,
                              she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he
                              was a married man. "Oh, Lary," she sobbed at the conclusion
                              of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together,
                              the way we were meant to be?"
                              Taking her by the shoulders, Larry proceeded to scold her
                              for her lack of discretion and good judgment. "Snatched drinks
                              in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried
                              meetings in sordid motels rooms -- is that really what you
                              want for us?"
                              "No, no..." she sobbed; heartsick.
                              "Damn," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

                              Comment


                                Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

                                THE RANCH HAND
                                A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
                                Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
                                She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
                                He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
                                Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town Saturday night.
                                One o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the house, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
                                She quietly called him over to her.
                                "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
                                Trembling, he did as she directed.
                                "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
                                "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
                                "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
                                "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
                                Then she looked deep into his eyes and said, "If you EVER wear my clothes into town again, you're fired"
                                (P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)

                                Comment

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