Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Moon1]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

“Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!”
-The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, “How’s that now?”

Yesterday I learnt that 20 piranhas can strip all flesh off a man within 15 minutes.
Unfortunately, I also lost my job at the local swimming pool.

I proposed to my ex-wife. But she said no. She believes I’m just after my money.

Boy complains to his father: You told me to put a potato in my swimming trunks! You said it would impress the girls at the pool! But you forgot to mention one thing!
Father: Really, what?
Boy: That the potato should go in the front.

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they’re only going 25 mph, stopping the mid-day traffic.
The policeman asks the driver why is he going so slow.
“Well that’s the speed limit, isn’t it! There was a sign saying 25!” the driver defends himself.
The policeman sighs, “No, sir, that’s the number of the highway you’re on. It has nothing to do with the speed limit.”
“Oh, so that’s what it means…” says the driver, looking shocked.
The officer looks at the rest of the van and notices the grannies are looking somewhat frozen and stiff.
“What’s up with the ladies?” he asks the driver.
“Um…” the driver scratches his head, “you see, we just got off highway 150…”

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”
__________________

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An Irishman walks into a bar,
notices a very large jar on the counter,
and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.
He guesses there's at least thousands of dollars in it.
He approaches the bartender and asks,
"What's with the money in the jar?"

“Well ...
you pay $10,
and if you pass three tests,
you get all the money and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up,
so he asks,
"What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first,"
says the bartender,
"those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while,
he gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.

"Okay,"
says the bartender,
"here's what you need to do:

First …
You have to drink a whole quart of tequila,
in 60 seconds or less,
and you can't make a face while doing it."

“Second …
There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth.
You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."

“Third …
There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex.
You have to take care of that problem."

The man is stunned!
“I know I paid my $10,
but I'm not an idiot!
I won't do it!
You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila
and then do all those other things!"

"Your call,"
says the bartender,
"but, your money stays where it is."

The man has a few more drinks and finally says,
"Where's the damn tequila?"

He grabs the bottle with both hands
and drinks it as fast as he can.
Tears stream down both cheeks --
but he doesn't make a face --
and he drinks it in 58 seconds!

Next,
he staggers out the back door
where the pit bull is chained to a pole.

Soon,
the people inside hear loud growling, screaming,
and sounds of a terrible fight …
then nothing but silence!

Just when they think the man surely must be dead,
he staggers back into the bar.
His clothes are ripped to shreds
and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body.

He then drunkenly says,

"Now …
where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
************************************************** ***************************************
I ordered Chinese food last night, when the Chinese delivery driver drove up and walked up to the house. I walked outside to meet him. He immediately started yelling isolate isolate! I replied relax man your not that late I only ordered the food a half hour ago.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The only way to pull off a lockdown afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.

He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'

'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'

'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him

After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are having sex!!'

Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know they're having sex?'

'Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Guy with a Stuttering problem
So there was this guy that goes into a doctors office.

Doctor walks in and asks, ”So what seems to be the problem today sir?” The guy says “ D,d,d,d doc, I ha ha ha have a stut stut stuttering prob b b blem because my my my p p penis is too too too b b big!"

Doctor says “No problem! We will remove those extra inches and your problem will disappear!”

Three weeks post op, buddy goes back to the Doctors office for a follow up. He tells the doctor “Doc! Thank you so much!! I no longer stutter anymore, thank you so much! That`s great the Doc says ,but come back in two weeks for a final check up.weeks!”

A couple weeks later the guy shows up kinda depressed. He tells the doctor “Hey doc, I don’t stutter anymore I know, but things have kinda fallen on the wayside between my wife and I, she really misses those extra inches. Can you put those inches back?”

Doctor says “F f,f,f…fu** you!”


Test Results
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

Nursing home sex
TRAV is NOW 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, TRAV goes to a secluded garden behind the
Center to sit and ponder his escapades and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to
chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, TRAV turns to Mildred and
asks, 'Do you know what I miss most of all?'

She asks, 'What?'

'Sex!!' he replies

Mildred exclaims, 'Why you old fart. You couldn't get it up if I held
a gun to your head!'

'I know,' TRAV says, 'but it would be nice if a woman could just
hold it for a while.'

Well, I can oblige,' says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes
his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet
secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and
Mildred would hold TRAV`S manhood.

Then one night TRAV didn't show up at their usual meeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find TRAV and make sure he was O.K.

She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting
by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding
TRAV`S manhood!

Furious, Mildred yelled, 'You two-timing son-of-a-bitch! What does
Ethel have that I don't have?'

Old TRAV smiled happily and replied, 'Parkinson's.'


Social Distancing
Apparently running from the police is not considered social distancing. Who knew?

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license because of my smart mouth..

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?
Me:"A motorcycle."
Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"
Annoyed, i asked a counter question.
Me:"So, you're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Officer:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend..

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment !" My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day !"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said, "Thanks", and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still wrapped around her neck,

Totally satisfied, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What the heck was that all about ?”
She explained, “The egg timer's broken".

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it’s the minister’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Calvary for the last forty-three years." St Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven." "Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?!" "Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Interesting advice from a professorAlways a way to peak one's interest......


The professor was telling his early morning class, "I've found that the best way to start the day is to exercise for five minutes, take a deep breath of fresh air, and then have a bowl of delicious cereal with raisins and almonds and a cup of green tea and finish with a cold shower.

Then I feel rosy all over.”

A sleepy voice from the back of the room said,

"Tell us more about Rosy”.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Justin Trudeau walks into a Bank to cash a cheque in front of me one day: As he approaches the cashier he says, "Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?”
Cashier: "It would be my pleasure to do that sir. Could you please show me your ID?"
Trudeau: "Truthfully, I didn't bring any "ID" with me as I didn't think there would be any reason, he says, I'm the leader of the Liberal Party, "I am the Prime minister of Canada....
Cashier: "Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks today because of all the impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing your ID."
Trudeau: "Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."
Cashier: "I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the rules and I must follow them."
Trudeau: I am urging you, please, cash this cheque."
Cashier: "Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do. One day, Mike Weir came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Mike Weir he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Mike weir and cashed his cheque for him.
Another time, Wayne Gretzky came in without ID. He pulled out his hockey stick and made a fabulous shot with a hockey puck it landed in an over turned trash can at the other end of the bank. With that shot we cashed his cheque.
So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is really you, and only you?"
Trudeau stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, ummmm "Honestly, my mind is totally blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue." I really don't have a clue.
Cashier: Says, Ok thanks Will that be large or small bills, Mr Trudeau?"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A farmer is overseeing his herd when suddenly a brand-new car appears out of a cloud of dust and starts advancing towards him.

The driver, a young man in a suit, leans out the window and asks the farmer: If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?

The farmer looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers Sure, why not?

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his computer, connects it to his mobile phone, gets on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo on his computer and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a database through an Excel spreadsheet with email on his phone and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized printer. He turns to the farmer and says: You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.

That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the he stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?

The young man thinks about it for a second and says Okay, why not?

You’re a politician says the farmer.

Wow! That’s correct. But how did you guess that?

No guessing required. You showed up here even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are, and you don’t know a thing about how working people make a living, or about cows for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Life on the farm
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.


His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk as well."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I ??

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

WARNING ...RANT!
For those of you who are placing Christmas lights / decorations in your garden, can you please avoid anything that has Red or Blue flashing lights together?
Every time I come around the corner, I think it's the police and I have a panic attack.
I have to brake hard, toss my wine out the window, hide the weed, fasten my seat belt, throw my phone on the floor, turn my radio down, and push the gun under the seat, all while trying to drive.
It's just too much drama, even for Christmas.
Thank you for your cooperation and understanding.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A guy enters a bar with a gun and shouts "Who slept with my wife?". Everybody stays silent.

The guy repeats louder "Who slept with my wife?".

Suddenly someone from other side of the bar answers "You don't have enough bullets"

[boydo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Sis!! BOOM!! Bah!!!


Just the sound an exploding sheep makes.