Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Today marks nine months without drinking a drop of alcohol or any kinds of wine! And six months of eating seven fruits and veggies a day, drinking 10 glasses of water, no carbs, and no red meat. Lots of 8 hour sleeps. The change in my body has been fantastic! I feel great, I lost weight, and my way of thinking is very positive! I'm looking to keep this up, and go for more, because I choose to! No alcohol, eating healthy, lots of sleep and above all, an hour of exercise every day!
I don't know whose status this is, but I was so happy for them, I copied and pasted it.

[boydo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

So we have a Golden Retriever and a Husky/Shepard mix that just had surgery. Vet told me she's about 15 pounds overweight for her breed/age/sex - and when I replied that she was "just a little husky"...she didn't laugh! Then again, neither did the TW or Parker...

[Moon1]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

RIP Rodney Dangerfield

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody's fingers."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars."

"I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it."

[Hugoagogo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Who ever drew that up sure nailed it.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Crushed Scrotum
The best story of the year doesn't give the proper praise and credit for this painful but understandable story as told by a loving wife.......

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise.

Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced. "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."

We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."

- - - Updated - - -

Billy was having trouble in school. His teacher constantly yelled at him; ?You?re driving me crazy, Billy! Can?t you learn anything?? Billy?s mother met with his teacher at Fall conferences. The teacher told her Billy was a disaster, getting the lowest marks of any of her students and that she had never had such an unmotivated and ignorant little boy in all of her teaching career.

Billy?s mom, shocked at this feedback, withdrew her son immediately and moved from Detroit to Cleveland.

It was 25 years later that the teacher was diagnosed with a severe cardiac disease. Her doctors advised open heart surgery and that only one surgeon in the Cleveland Clinic could perform the procedure. The teacher decided to have the procedure, which turned out to be remarkably successful, at the Cleveland Clinic.

In the recovery room, she saw the young doctor who headed her surgical team, smiling down at her. She wanted to thank him. Instead, her face suddenly turned blue as she tried to speak and then she quickly died. The doctor was shocked, wondering what went suddenly wrong.

When the doctor turned to leave the room, he saw that Billy, the janitor at the Cleveland Clinic, had unplugged the life-support equipment to plug in his vacuum cleaner.

Statistics indicate that if you thought that Billy had become a heart surgeon there is a good chance you?ll vote for Justin Trudeau and the Liberal Party of Canada!

- - - Updated - - -

At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old hockey players aside and asked, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
"Yes, coach", replied the little boy. "
Coach asked, "Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes he knew.
"So," the coach continued, "I'm sure you know, when an offside is called, you shouldn't argue, curse the referee, or call him an arsehole. Do you understand all that?"
Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.
The coach continued, "And when I take you out of the game so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not a dumb-ars decision or that the coach is a s**t head is it?"
"No, coach."
"Good", said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.?

- - - Updated - - -

Doc says, "Dave, I know this is your first prostate test, so relax, try not to turned on or excited and it'll be over in a sec."

The patient says, "Ya ok, but my name is Pete."

The Doc says, "I'm Dave."

The guy walks into the doctors office for the prostate exam.
- Hey Doc, where should I hang my pants?
- Hang them on the chair, next to mine, - the doctor replies?.

[Hugoagogo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[Macavity]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Celebrities can be so weird. Elton John got worried about the health of his pet bunny so he got it a treadmill and changed its diet to only the skin of carrots.

Now, "It's a little fit bunny, with peelings inside"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.

One day she called me and asked me to come over. "To check my sister's wedding invitations" she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom" she said. "If you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment...then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me. He said, "Sergio, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son."

And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car!

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I saw a car today with a Fender Sticker saying, ?I am a Veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an Animal.?

Then I realised just how many Gynaecologists there are on the road...!
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Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face, and told her mother,
"Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"
Sally replied, "No, salty."
Mom fainted
************************************************** ************************************************** ***********************

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman was at her hairdresser?s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to her hairdresser, who responded:
?Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It?s crowded and dirty. You?re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there??
?We?re taking Air Canada? was the reply. ?We got a great rate!?
?Air Canada?? exclaimed the hairdresser. ?That?s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they?re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome??
?We?ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome?s Tiber River called Teste.?
?Don?t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it?s going to be something special and exclusive, but it?s really a dump.?
?We?re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.?
?That?s rich,? laughed the hairdresser. ?You and a million other people trying to see him. He?ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You?re going to need it. ?

A month later, the woman came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.
?It was wonderful,? explained the woman, ?not only were we on time in one of Air Canada?s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on us hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They?d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it?s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the owner?s suite at no extra charge!?.
?Well,? muttered the hairdresser, ?that?s all well and good, but I know you didn?t get to see the Pope.?
?Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if we?d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet us. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.?
?Oh, really! What?d he say??

He said: ?Who F'd up your hair??

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Sensitive Man

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them, and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears. They share a bottle of wine and continued talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips and he responds warmly. They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love. She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known. After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?' The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says: 'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'

- - - Updated - - -

A Boss in a Million!
An employees calls his boss to tell him he can't come in for work today because he is sick.

The boss tells the employee "Whenever I get sick, I have sex with my wife. Maybe try that?"

Later that day, the employee calls his boss and said

"Thanks for the tip! I feel so much better now!

And by the way you have a very nice house!"


Please let us be able to use the emoji's

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Just one of the boys!
A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer.

The bartender looked up and said, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?"

The guy said, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?"

The guy responded, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy said nervously, "I mount animals."

The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us! "

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Mans best friend!
I recently went into a movie theatre and sat down next to a dog who was at the theater with his owner.

Much to my astonishment, the dog laughed at the funny parts, cried at the sad parts, booed at the villain's wicked deeds, and cheered at the hero's heroics.

When we left the theatre I told the dog owner, "Your dog's reactions to that movie were amazing!"

"I thought so too!" replied the dog owner. "He hated the book."
************************************************** ************************************************** **************************************************

A man had a bunch of penguins in his truck, when suddenly a police officer came and asked him what was in the truck.
The man said "My penguins," The police officer said to take the penguins to the zoo.

The next day, the same police officer came back asking where the penguins were.
The man said, "They're in my truck.
The police officer replied, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo,"
"I did," replied the man,

''And today I'm taking them to the beach."
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Brothel Parrot!
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her seriously and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a Brothel and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff".

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam" .

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, "New house, new madam, new girls".

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith, long time no see!?

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"



Little Timmy was in the classroom, and the principal was observing.
The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

So all the pupils raised their hands.

"Pears" - said Mary.

"Bananas" - said John.

"Oranges" - said Sara.

And it went on like this for a while.

"Very well" - said the teacher, ready to move on to the next question.

The principal noticed Little Timmy still had his hand raised. "Let's hear what Little Timmy has to say", says the principal.

"Light bulbs" - remarked Little Timmy.

"Light bulbs?!" - asked the principal, laughing hilariously. "Where did you even hear that?"

Little Timmy, convinced he had it right, explained to the principal -

"Last night, before going to sleep, I heard mommy tell daddy to switch off the light bulb so she can take it in her mouth"


Looking For a Good Man
A wealthy divorced woman places an ad in the personals. "Wanted: A man who won't run around on me, who won't steal from me, and is good in bed."
A couple of weeks go by with no response, so she removes the ad.
Next day she's doing her laundry and hears the doorbell ring. She opens the door and on the front step is a man with no arms or legs.
She asks what he wants and he replies he's come about the ad.
"Well, I cancelled the ad yesterday because I wasn't getting any replies, and besides the ad stated I'm looking for a man who won't run around on me."
The man directs her attention to his lack of legs and she agrees he couldn't possibly run around on her.
"The ad also stated I want a man who won't steal from me."
The man directs her attention to his lack of arms and she agrees he couldn't possibly steal from her.
"Well, the ad also stated I want a man who's good in bed," to which the man replies: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

"Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

"President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"Pope Francis," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?'
************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** **********************
Peter, Paul & Louie
A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.
Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.
But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

Eager to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise.
Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
"What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
Louie just nodded.
That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
"A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
************************************************** ***********************************

A son`s letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom

Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son ,
Josh

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
Finally they came into some city.
They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the American pulled up to the curb.
His wife rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"