No announcement yet.

Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

This is a sticky topic.
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    Beware of Restaurant servers with a Spoon in their Pocket !!
    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
    It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

    If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
    Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

    'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
    By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%!

    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?

    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, I use the spoon.


      Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
      Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
      The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
      Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
      The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
      Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
      Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
      Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?” Pharmacist: “You bet!”
      Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
      Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
      Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
      Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
      Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?” Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
      Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
      Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
      Jacob: “Adult diapers?” Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?
      Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.


        Man and his wife...
        A Man and his wife go out for a business dinner, while waiting for the husbands business partner Bob and his wife, a beautiful blonde walks past and winks at the man. The wife looks to her husband and says "Who the hell was that!" The husband responds, "Honey, I love you but i must fess up that was my mistress". Horrified the wife tells him she wants a divorce, and he replies " If that's what you really want I'll divorce you, But i will miss you and we will have to split everything and you will lose your name in my check book". As the wife is contemplating this quietly, a beautiful brunette walks by and winks at the husband. she exclaims! "Well who the hell is that!" to which the husband answers " Oh! thats Bob's mistress!. The wife sits quietly for a moment then says..... " Ours Is Much Prettier" Lol


          Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

          ATD: At The Doctor's
          BFF: Best Friend Fainted
          BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
          BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
          CBM: Covered By Medicare
          CGU: Can't get up
          CUATSC: See You at the Senior Center
          DWI: Driving While Incontinent
          FWB: Friend with Beta Blockers
          FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
          FYI: Found Your Insulin
          GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
          GHA: Got Heartburn Again
          HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
          IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
          LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
          LOL: Living On Lipitor
          LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
          OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
          OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
          ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
          TTYL: Talk To You Louder
          WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
          WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
          WTP: Where's The Prunes?
          WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
          GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In


            The painting Nuns
            Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom.

            They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear.

            All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the reply.

            The nuns shrug and decide there is no harm in opening the door for him. They unlock the door and open it.

            The man says “Nice boobs! Anyways, where do you want the blinds installed?”


              Problem Parrots
              Problem Parrots

              A Woman with a problem with her two pet Parrots seeks advice from her Church Priest.

              The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"

              "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language."

              The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. "

              One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "


                Hope, at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are


                  IRISH LOGIC

                  The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

                  "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

                  "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home .. and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!

                  "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

                  Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

                  "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"✳


                    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
                    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
                    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
                    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
                    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
                    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
                    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
                    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.


                      The Beautifying Milk Bath
                      A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

                      When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

                      He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
                      to clarify the point.

                      The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
                      asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

                      The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
                      up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful

                      The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

                      Wait for it ...

                      Wait for it ...

                      The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my
                      eyes if I need to!


                        The Rolex
                        An old, Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his bed.
                        "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
                        "But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
                        "You lisina me. Soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
                        "Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.
                        Whatta you goina do then? Point to you watch and say TIME’S UP?"


                          Norwegian blonde
                          A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
                          With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

                          Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

                          "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men

                          like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

                          Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
                          The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,

                          "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap.”