Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

Here's one the Ladies on here should love, I should shoot myself for even posting this. It was sent to me at work by one of the girls there.



>LAUGH FOR THE DAY
>Lord, it is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes
>the
>other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,
>catching them
>on branches and snagging them on bushes. "They are a real pain,"
>reported
>Eve.
>
>And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body
>came in
>pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc....she felt that having
>only two
>breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced", as she
>put it.
>
>"That is a fair point", replied God. "But it was my first shot at
>this you
>know.
>I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only
>half of
>those, but
>I see that you are right. I will fix it up
>right away."
>
>And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into
>the
>bushes.
>
>Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of
>Eden.
>"Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?" "Just fantastic," she
>replied.
>"But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are
>paired
>off.
>The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a
>mate
>except me.
>I feel so alone." God thought about this for a moment and said,
>"You know,
>Eve,
>you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate
>and I
>will
>immediately create a man from a part of you. Now, let's see...where
>did I
>put that
>useless tit?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop: "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Why Sex Ed needs to be taught in Catholic schools:

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to
them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in
the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of
Chardonnay."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ....... so does she.

[Shadow]

Re: Daily funnies

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

To go on with EG's " When it's appropriate to say 'Oh ****' "

[Gargoyle]

Re: Daily funnies

SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10) We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me".
12) The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Three Rednecks were working on the BellSouth tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."

She said, "No, I'm not a widow."


And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are".

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

The train was quite crowded, so the US citizen walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The weary American asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?" The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,"Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat." The American walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also Arrogant!" This time he didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it
Out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his
place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up,

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A guy goes to the U.S. Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asks him, "Have you been in the service?"
"Yes," he says, "I was in Vietnam for three years."
The interviewer says, "That will give you extra points toward employment."
And then asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes, 100%... A mortar round exploded near me and blew my testicles off."
The interviewer tells the guy, "O.K. I can hire you right now.
The hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M.
You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00 A.M."
The guy is puzzled and says, "If the hours are from 8:00 A.M. To 4:00 P.M. then why do you want me to come in at 10:00 A.M.?"
"This is a government job," the interviewer says.
"For the first two hours we stand around scratching our balls...
No Point in you coming in for that."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Is This How men think...?

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used
to enjoy together. I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be
interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic".
" Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.
I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"
She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.
"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being
so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was
sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"


So I told her to **** off....