Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot.
And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."


"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the f****r."

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

Good ones Pizmo hehe

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the window,

"I want to open a damn checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account now!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

"There is no damn problem," the man says. I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to put my damn money in this damn bank."

I see," says the manager, "and is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

Everyone enjoys a little fart humor.

What is the sharpest thing in the world?

A Fart. It goes through your pants and doesn't even leave a hole


What's the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart!

You're so poor:
You had to fart in your pocket to make a scent

Why don't little girls fart?

Because they don't have ass holes until they're married


What did the maxi-pad say to the fart?

You are the wind beneath my wings


What do you call someone who doesn't fart in public?

A private tutor!


Laugh and the world laughs with you; fart and they'll stop laughing

Confucius say:
Man who fart in church sit in own pew

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Party Time]

Re: Daily funnies

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

A MAN WITH A PASSION
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.

So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.

Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Reminds me of my surprise 40th birthday party.

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Dorothy and Edna two "senior" widows, are talking at the local coffee shop.

Dorothy: "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... two times!"

Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go
out with him?"

Edna: "No, no, no . I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

This one is for Pizmo.

Pizmo is in Amsterdam and visits a nudist colony there.

While wandering around naked he spots a gorgeous blonde and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

Pizmo replies: "No!"

She says "Well, it's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it means you called for me."

She then layes him down and starts making love to him.

Later that day Pizmo visits the sauna, but as he sits down he farts. A huge big hairy guy get up, drops his towel to show a huge erection and says "Sir, did you call for me?"

Pizmo replies, "No!"

The man says, "It's a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me." The man then knocks Pizmo to the floor and has his way with him.

As soon as he's finished Pizmo rushes back to his room, grabs all his things and heads for the exit. On his way out he's stopped by the manager he askes "Can I help you ?"

Pizmo says "Here's my room keys I'm leaving early"

The manager asks why and Pizmo replies "I'm 60 years old, I get an erection once a week but I fart 20 times a day !!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Pizmo walks into a bar in Rogersville and orders a mudslide.
The bartender looks at the man and says, "You ain't from 'round here are ya?

"No," replies Pizmo , "I'm from Blackville".

The bartender looks at him and says, "Well, what do ya do in Blackville ? I'm a

taxidermist" Pizmo says...


The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist? "

Pizmo says,"I mount animals".

The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar..."It's okay boys, he's one of us!

My nick has been taken in vain before on another forum.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

An Air Canada plane took off From Moncton Airport
After it reached its cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293,
non-stop from Moncton to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and we should
have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom.
Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I'm sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you,
a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"
Pizmo yelled, "That's nothing bye. You should see the back of mine!"


See what I mean.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

It would be funnier if I knew your real name. But since I don't, Pizmo will have to do.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

esks4life calls up his lawyer and asks. "Wid all them there lawsuits going on I'm feeling kinda left out . how do I get in on some of that action? I hear that people are suing the cigarette companies 'cause they got cancer, and others are suing the Big Mac company cause they got themselves fat." His lawyer asks, "And which one of those categories do you fit under?"
esks4life, God bless his soul answers

...."Neider bye, I just wanna know if I can sue Labatt's for all the ugly women I've slept with."

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

It would be funnier if I knew your real name. But since I don't, Pizmo will have to do.

I do, but I shouldn't tell without Pizmo's permission. Piz is the only person this site who knows who I am. Yah, right.