Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Deaf Mute Parents ***

A young guy out on the town with his mates spies the girl of his dreams across the dance floor. Having admired her from afar he plucks up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

Saturday night arrives and the man arrives at her house laden with flowers and chocolates. To his amazement she answers the door in nothing but a towel. "I'm sorry," she exclaims, "I am running a bit late. Please come in and I'll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish getting dressed. I should warn you however, that they are both deaf mutes." With this she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

As you can imagine this is a little uncomfortable as both parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his arm chair watching the soccer game, and Mom is busy knitting. After about ten minutes of complete silence, Mom suddenly jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her arse. Just as suddenly Dad launches himself across the room bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back down in his chair and places a match stick under each eye lid. The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes the mother again rises from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her pants and throws another glass of water over her arse. Dad leaps up gives her one from behind and places two more match sticks under his eyelids. No sooner have they concluded this strange behavior and the daughter returns fully dressed ready for their date.

The evening is a complete disaster with the young man completely distracted by the goings on in the living room. At the end of the evening the girl asks, "What's the matter? Have I done something wrong?" "It's not you," replied her date, "It's just that the strangest thing happened while I was waiting for you and I am still a bit shocked."

After pleading with him to explain in more detail the young man reluctantly recounts the story. 'Well, first your Mother jumps from her chair and lifts up her skirt. She then pulls down her pants and throws a glass of water over her behind." "I see," says the girl, "What happened then?" "Well, if that isn't enough your Father races from his chair leans Mom over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back down and places a matchstick under each eyelid.' "Oh, is that all?" replies the girl.

The young man can't believe the casual response to this weird practice. "It's easily explained. Mom was simply saying, 'Are you going to get this a**hole a drink?' and Dad was replying, 'No, f*** him. I'm watching the match.'"

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

I do, but I shouldn't tell without Pizmo's permission. Piz is the only person this site who knows who I am. Yah, right.

It's alright. He told me. It was like the unveiling of the Cadbury Caramilk secret.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

This woman has her bridge club every Thursday night and after a peaceful game or two with the ladies, she goes home to fix her husband dinner when he gets home from work. Well, one Thursday, she's playing a great game and she has an incredible hand when she notices the time. "Oh, no! I have to go fix my husband his dinner! He's going to be so angry if it's not ready on time." And she dashes out of her friend's house, her great hand forgotten on the table.

When she gets home, she realizes she has very little time, not enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner, and then she realizes he is loving it!

"Mmmm, darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day, mmmmm!" And that night they had sex for the first time in months and it was great!

Needless to say, every Thursday from then on, she made this dinner for her husband. She tells her bridge cronies about it and they are all horrified.

"You're going to kill him," they say, or "He's just yanking your chain," but she continued to make him his cat food dinner and then, afterwards, they would bonk like fiends.

Two months later, her husband died and all the bridge women the Thursday after the funeral attacked our new widow for being so callous. "You killed him!"

We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?"

The wife stoically replied, "Ahh, I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel when he was licking his a**."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

It's alright. He told me. It was like the unveiling of the Cadbury Caramilk secret.

Never heard a more ernest reply.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies

Why women live longer than men

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

Why women live longer than men

IIRC someone allready posted this a bit ago

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced.
After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they
couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the
wife offered to donate some of her own skin; however, the only skin on
her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her
buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also
honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's
new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his
friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at
her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank
you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see
your mother kiss you on the cheeks".

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peal off prize. She pulls off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No - I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!"

By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No - no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL".

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies

One Drink Garden Party

Because a new law prevents the consumption of alcohol beyond one drink at outdoor events, Newfoundlanders got very inventive.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry."

"Saul Dumbrowski?" he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman behind the counter.

The tourist asks, "How did this place get a name like "Saul Dumbrowski's Chinese Laundry?"

The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

The tourist asks, "Well, who and where is the owner?"

"Me, is right here," replies the old man.

"You? How did you ever get a name like Saul Dumbrowski?"

"Is simple," says the old man. "Many, many year ago when come to this country, was stand in line at Ellis Island Documentation Center. Man in front is Jewish gentleman from Poland. Lady look at him and go, 'What your name?' He say, 'Saul Dumbrowski.' Then she look at me and go, 'What your name?' I say, My name Sem Ting.'..........

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN THE OFFICE, AREN'T:
>
> >
>
> > 10. I need to whip it out by 5.
>
> > 9. Mind if I use your laptop?
>
> > 8. Just stick it in my box.
>
> > 7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
>
> > 6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
>
> > 5. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid!
>
> > 4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
>
> > 3. It's an entry level position.
>
> > 2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
>
> > And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but at the office isn't:
>
> > 1. It's not fair. I do all the work while he just sits there!!!
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN A LAW FIRM, AREN'T:
>
> >
>
> > 10. Have you looked through her briefs?
>
> > 9. He is one hard judge.
>
> > 8. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.
>
> > 7. Her attorney withdrew at the last minute.
>
> > 6. Is it a penal offense?
>
> > 5. Better leave the handcuffs on.
>
> > 4. For $200 an hour, she better be good!
>
> > 3. Can you get him to drop his suit?
>
> > 2. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.
>
> > And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in law isn't:
>
> > 1. Think you can get me off?
>
> >
>
> >
>
> > TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY, BUT IN GOLF, AREN'T:
>
> >
>
> > 10. Damn, my shaft is bent.
>
> > 9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
>
> > 8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
>
> > 7. Look at the size of his putter.
>
> > 6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
>
> > 5. Mind if I join your threesome?
>
> > 4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
>
> > 3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
>
> > 2. Nice stroke, but your follow-through leaves a lot to be desired.
>
> > And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty but in golf isn't:
>
> > 1. Hold up! I need to wash my balls first.

[Thrust]

Re: Daily funnies

The old folks no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and
Says,"Seven Points."
His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football."
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says" Touchdown, tie
score."
After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says,
"Aha. I'm
ahead 14 to 7."
Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown,
tie
score."
Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field
goal,
I lead 17 to 14."
Now the pressures on the old man. He refuses to get beat by a woman, so
he
strains real hard.
Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got,
and
accidentally poops in the bed.
The wife says, "What the hell was that?"
The old man says, "Half time, switch sides."

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."