Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

One day, in line at the works cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a doctor!." "Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at Tesco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".


That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better..

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

What's up with this? Is EG the site's new resident comedian?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

I'm 'letting' her catch up.

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

Are you letting her write poetry too?

BTW, your signature about parents getting the wrong kids is something I know all about. Numberz ISN'T my kid either, although lots of folks here believe otherwise. That's sort of like being switched at birth.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with
Paddy the Pilot, and Gerry the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport,
they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus," said Paddy Will you look at
how fookin short that runway is."
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Gerry.
"Tis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you are ever gonna see,"
said Paddy.
"Ya not fookin kiddin, Paddy," replied Gerry.
"Right Gerry. When I give the signal, you put ta engines in reverse," said
Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing tat," replied Gerry.
"And ten you put the flaps down straight away," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing tat," replied Gerry.
"And ten you stamp on tem brakes as hard as you can," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing tat," replied Gerry.
"And ten you pray to ta Mother Mary with all a' your soul," said Paddy.
"Right, I'll be doing tat," replied Gerry.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Gerry full of nerves and
sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Gerry put the engines
in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother
Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and
lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of
the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Gerry and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the
front window and said to Gerry "Tat has gotta be the shortest fookin runway
I have EVER seen in my whole life".
Gerry looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, and the fookin
widest too".

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

> A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he

>> >> >>is stumbling back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and

>> >> >>approaches, "Can I help you sir?"

>> >> >>

>> >> >> "Yessh! Ssssomebody's ssstole my carrr, the man

>> >> >>replies."

>> >> >>

>> >> >> The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw

>> >> >>it?"

>> >> >>

>> >> >> "It wasss on the end of thisshh key the man replies."

>> >> >>

>> >> >> About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's

>> >> >>weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

>> >> >>

>> >> >> He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are

>> >> >>exposing

>> >> >> yourself?"

>> >> >>

>> >> >> Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down and without

>> >> >>missing a beat, blurts out..........

>> >> >>

>> >> >> "Holy **** ----- My girlfriends gone, too!!!!!"

>> >> >>

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Sorry guys.

THE ULTIMATE FEMALE JOKE

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman couldn't take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."(There are always conditions) Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." (controlling, huh?) The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said......













"Clean my house."

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day
she told her husband that she had slept over at
girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.


Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day
he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's
house. The woman called her husband's 10 best
friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept
over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. * Keep skunks, bankers and lawyers at a distance. * Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor. * Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled. * Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached. * Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance. * If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. * The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin'.

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

* If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " why they don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

The Redneck Challenge

We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam:



1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.



2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

'65 Ford Fairlane

'69 Chevrolet Chevelle

'64 Pontiac GTO.



3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per our, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?



4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size.The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?



5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. he span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?



6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?



7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?



8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?


I betcha thought that there test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya... There's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.



As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE", here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece...



Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

George Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
>Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
>tips you can give to me?"
>"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround
>yourself with intelligent people." Bush frowns. "But how do I know
>the people around me are really intelligent?" The Queen takes a sip
>of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligent
>riddle."
>
>The Queen pushes a button on her in tercom. "Please send Tony Blair
>in here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my
>Queen?" The Queen smiles "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother
>and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
>sister. Who is it?"?
>
>Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "Well, your
>Majesty, that would be me." "Yes, Very good," says the Queen.
>
>Bush goes back home to ask Dick Cheney, his Vic e President, the
>same question. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your
>father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister.
>Who is it?"
>
>"I'm not sure," says Cheney, "let me get back to you on that one."
>Cheney goes to his Advisors and asks every one, but none can give
>him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
>Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Cheney shouts, "Colin! Can
>you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's
>not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
>
>Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!" Cheney smiles, and
>says, "Thanks!"
>
>Then, Cheney goes back to speak with Bush. "Say, I did some research
>and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
>
>Bush gets up, stomps over to Cheney and angrily yells into his face,
>"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

EsksGurl Should like this one

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. So they decided to stop in a nearby cemetery. Having nothing to wipe with, one of them thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said "These damn girl's nights out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!"

"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the crack of her butt that said "From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."