Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

come on Ef, you could have put all those in 2 posts Max....

Impossible.

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

Impossible.

nawww its not... want me to show you ?

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Only if you get rid of your sheep fetish..

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Ancient Tech Support

The tech support problem dates back to long before the
industrial revolution, when primitive tribesmen beat out
a rhythm on drums to communicate:

This is fire help. Me Groog

Me Lorto. Help. Fire not work.

You have flint and stone?

Ugh

You hit them together?

Ugh

What happen?

Fire not work

(sigh) Make spark?

No spark, no fire, me confused. Fire work yesterday.

*sigh* You change rock?

I change nothing

You sure?

Me make one change. Stone hot so me soak in stream so stone
not burn Lorto hand.
Small change, shouldn't keep Lorto from make fire.

*Grabs club and goes to Lorto's cave*

*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*WHAM*

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

When opening a can of Carnation evaporated milk for your
recipes, just smile and think of this.
A little old lady from Newfoundland had worked in and around
her family dairy farms since she was old enough to walk, with
hours of hard work and little compensation.
When canned Carnation milk became available in grocery stores,
in approximately the 1940's, she read an advertisement offering
5,000 for the best slogan. The producers wanted a rhyme
beginning with, "Carnation Milk is best of all...."
She said, I know all about milk and dairy farms. I can do this!
She sent in her entry, and about a week later, a black limo
drove up in front of her house. A man got out and said,
Carnation LOVED your entry so much, we are here to award
you $1,000, even though we will not be able to use it."
Here is her entry:
Carnation milk is best of all,
No tits to pull, no hay to haul,
No buckets to wash, no **** to pitch,
Just poke a hole in the son-of-a-bitch!

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

This is an oldie but a goodie. We've all had a few of these from this list:


The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag."

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper" must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little ******* just hangs there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

Wow they actually name them

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

this is funny - in a nice way... er, just watch the vid.

http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies

this is funny - in a nice way... er, just watch the vid.

http://tcc.itc.it/people/rocchi/fun/europe.html

I'd seen that one a couple years ago - and was looking for it again. Thanks TT

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

LOL That was great TT. Loved the Coffee, pedestrian crossing and plane landing ones

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Advice for the Mens Olympic Hockey Team

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she
married she was to please her husband and never upset him. So the first
morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after
making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes, and accidentally
lets out a big fart.



She looked up and said: "Aww so sorry...excuse please, front hole so happy,
back hole laugh out loud."

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

An oldie... but a goodie!

http://media.putfile.com/naked-skydiving

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

did we have this one already?
- - -
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK" - She is a "BREASTED [or
NON-PECTORALLY-CHALLENGED] PERSON."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER" - She is "VOCALLY
APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY" - She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE" - She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED EXIT FROM THE
INFORMATION SUPER-HIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND" - She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIR-HEAD" - She is "REALITY-IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY" - She gets "CHEMICALLY
INCONVENIENCED."

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS" - She is "MEDICALLY/SURGICALLY
ENHANCED" or "NON-PECTORALLY-CHALLENGED."

9. She does not "NAG" you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP" - She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR-LEAGUE HOOTERS" - She is
"NON-PECTORALLY-CHALLENGED."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER" - She is a "LOW-COST PROVIDER."



HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" - He has developed a "LIQUID-GRAIN
STORAGE
FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER" - He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME" - He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE
DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING" - He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE-ROBBER" - He prefers "GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL

RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK" - He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY
HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS" - He develops a case of
"RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8. He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG" - He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT" - He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY" - He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see peeking out of his pants when he bends
over
- It's simply "REAR CLEAVAGE."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

go to google, put this in the search bar


march+20th


then click on I'm feeling lucky!