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Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

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  • coach_ditka
    Norwegian blonde
    A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.
    With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting,

    "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Norwegian blonde women that way? What does the colour of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? Its men

    like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people.

    Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, pathetically all in the name of humour!"
    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde interrupts yelling,

    "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little **** on your lap.”

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  • coach_ditka

    The Rolex
    An old, Italian Mafia Don is dying and calls his grandson to his bed.
    "Grandson, I wanna you lisin to me. I wanna for you to take my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
    "But, grandpa," said the grandson, "I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead."
    "You lisina me. Soma day you goin a be runna da business, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big home and maybe a couple of bambino.
    "Soma day you goina coma home and maybe finda you wife in bed with another man.
    Whatta you goina do then? Point to you watch and say TIME’S UP?"

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  • coach_ditka
    The Beautifying Milk Bath
    A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

    When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake.

    He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door
    to clarify the point.

    The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note
    asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

    The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
    up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful

    The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

    Wait for it ...

    Wait for it ...

    The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs ... I can splash it on my
    eyes if I need to!

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  • coach_ditka

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife!"
    That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
    He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."
    She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
    John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
    "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
    She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep.

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  • coach_ditka

    The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

    "What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

    "What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home .. and guess what I found? Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!

    "Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

    Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

    "Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation. She never got your email!"✳

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  • Hugoagogo

    Leave a comment:

  • coach_ditka
    Problem Parrots
    Problem Parrots

    A Woman with a problem with her two pet Parrots seeks advice from her Church Priest.

    The Priest asks her, "What troubles you, my child?" The woman replies,"Father, I have two female parrots at home. They only say " Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and " You can do whatever you want to me ", and nothing else. This has ruined more than one dinner party. I don't know what to do!"

    "Worry not, my child" the Priest says. "I have two male parrots at the abbey that only pray and read scriptures. Perhaps your parrots should spend some time with them and they might pick up better language."

    The woman thanks the priest and brings her parrots the next day. On entering the birdcage, the two female parrots immediately go," Hey cutie, wanna have some fun? " and" you can do whatever you want to me. "

    One male parrot says to the other," Look Frank! Our prayers have been answered! "

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  • coach_ditka

    The painting Nuns
    Two nuns are tasked with painting a bedroom.

    They are concerned about getting paint all over their outfits, so they lock themselves inside and strip out of them and begin painting in their underwear.

    All is going well until there is a knock at the door. “Who is it?” They ask. “Blind man,” is the reply.

    The nuns shrug and decide there is no harm in opening the door for him. They unlock the door and open it.

    The man says “Nice boobs! Anyways, where do you want the blinds installed?”

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  • coach_ditka

    Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for Senior Discounts, this is the code for you. Please pass this on to your CHILDREN and Grandchildren so they can understand your texts.

    ATD: At The Doctor's
    BFF: Best Friend Fainted
    BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
    BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
    CBM: Covered By Medicare
    CGU: Can't get up
    CUATSC: See You at the Senior Center
    DWI: Driving While Incontinent
    FWB: Friend with Beta Blockers
    FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
    FYI: Found Your Insulin
    GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
    GHA: Got Heartburn Again
    HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
    IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
    LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
    LOL: Living On Lipitor
    LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
    OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
    OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
    ROFLCGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing And Can't Get Up
    TTYL: Talk To You Louder
    WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
    WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
    WTP: Where's The Prunes?
    WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
    GGLKI: Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

    Leave a comment:

  • coach_ditka
    Man and his wife...
    A Man and his wife go out for a business dinner, while waiting for the husbands business partner Bob and his wife, a beautiful blonde walks past and winks at the man. The wife looks to her husband and says "Who the hell was that!" The husband responds, "Honey, I love you but i must fess up that was my mistress". Horrified the wife tells him she wants a divorce, and he replies " If that's what you really want I'll divorce you, But i will miss you and we will have to split everything and you will lose your name in my check book". As the wife is contemplating this quietly, a beautiful brunette walks by and winks at the husband. she exclaims! "Well who the hell is that!" to which the husband answers " Oh! thats Bob's mistress!. The wife sits quietly for a moment then says..... " Ours Is Much Prettier" Lol

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  • coach_ditka
    Two very active seniors (Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89), living in The Villages, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
    Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, “Are you the owner?”
    The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”
    Jacob says, “We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
    The Pharmacist: “Of course we do.”
    Jacob: “How about medicine for circulation?” Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
    Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?” Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
    Jacob: “How about suppositories and medicine for impotence?” Pharmacist: “You bet!”
    Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer’s?”
    Pharmacist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”
    Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
    Pharmacist: “Absolutely.”
    Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?” Pharmacist: “We sure do.”
    Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
    Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
    Jacob: “Adult diapers?” Pharmacist: “Sure, how can I help you?
    Jacob: “We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.

    Leave a comment:

  • coach_ditka
    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    Beware of Restaurant servers with a Spoon in their Pocket !!
    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.

    Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
    It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

    Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'

    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

    If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.

    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
    Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'

    'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.
    By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%!

    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?

    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, I use the spoon.

    Leave a comment:

  • coach_ditka
    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    An American and his wife were driving in Canada and got lost.
    Finally they came into some city.
    They saw a gentleman on the sidewalk, so the American pulled up to the curb.
    His wife rolled down her window and asked: "Excuse me, sir. Where are we?"
    The gentleman on the street replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
    The lady rolled up the window, turned to her husband and said, "We really are lost. They don't even speak English here!"

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  • coach_ditka
    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

    "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts,

    "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!"

    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

    "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says.

    "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts.

    "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go.

    At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up."

    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

    "Pope Francis," his boss replies.

    "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome.

    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.

    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?"

    His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw... you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f**k is that on the balcony with Dave?'
    ************************************************** ************************************************** ************************************************** **********************
    Peter, Paul & Louie
    A minister concluded that his church was getting into serious financial troubles.
    Coincidentally, by chance, while checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
    So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately needed money for the church.
    Peter, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
    The reverend knew that Peter and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some bibles but he had serious doubts about Louie.
    Louie was just a little local farmer, who had always tended to keep to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor little Louis stuttered very badly.
    But, not wanting to discourage poor Louis, the reverend decided to let him try anyway.
    He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with bibles and asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday which they did.

    Eager to find out how successful they were, the reverend immediately asked Peter, "Well, Peter, how did you make out selling our bibles last week?"
    Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Peter replied, "Father, using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 bibles, and here's the 200 dollars I collected on behalf of the church."
    "Fine job, Peter!" The reverend said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you."

    Turning to Paul, he asked "And Paul, how many bibles did you manage to sell for the church last week?"
    Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "Reverend, I am a professional salesman and was happy to give the church the benefit of my sales expertise.
    Last week I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's 280 dollars I collected."
    The reverend responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."

    Apprehensively, the reverend turned to little Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any bibles last week?"
    Louie silently offered the reverend a large envelope. The reverend opened it and counted the contents.
    "What is this?" the reverend exclaimed. "Louie, there's 3200 dollars in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?
    Louie just nodded.
    That's impossible!" both Peter and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many bibles as we could."
    "Yes, this does seem unlikely," the reverend agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to do accomplish this, Louie."
    Louie shrugged. "I-I-I- re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered.
    Impatiently, Peter interrupted. "For crying out loud, Louie, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!"
    "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was," Louis replied, "W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks ---o-o-o-or--- wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you?"
    ************************************************** ***********************************

    A son`s letter
    A father passing by his son's bedroom

    Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

    Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
    I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

    But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

    Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

    In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

    Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
    Love, your son ,

    P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home.
    ************************************************** ************************************************** **********************

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  • coach_ditka
    Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

    One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 centimeters of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."
    Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 centimeters of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.
    Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"
    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

    Little Timmy was in the classroom, and the principal was observing.
    The teacher asked pupils to give examples of food.

    So all the pupils raised their hands.

    "Pears" - said Mary.

    "Bananas" - said John.

    "Oranges" - said Sara.

    And it went on like this for a while.

    "Very well" - said the teacher, ready to move on to the next question.

    The principal noticed Little Timmy still had his hand raised. "Let's hear what Little Timmy has to say", says the principal.

    "Light bulbs" - remarked Little Timmy.

    "Light bulbs?!" - asked the principal, laughing hilariously. "Where did you even hear that?"

    Little Timmy, convinced he had it right, explained to the principal -

    "Last night, before going to sleep, I heard mommy tell daddy to switch off the light bulb so she can take it in her mouth"

    Looking For a Good Man
    A wealthy divorced woman places an ad in the personals. "Wanted: A man who won't run around on me, who won't steal from me, and is good in bed."
    A couple of weeks go by with no response, so she removes the ad.
    Next day she's doing her laundry and hears the doorbell ring. She opens the door and on the front step is a man with no arms or legs.
    She asks what he wants and he replies he's come about the ad.
    "Well, I cancelled the ad yesterday because I wasn't getting any replies, and besides the ad stated I'm looking for a man who won't run around on me."
    The man directs her attention to his lack of legs and she agrees he couldn't possibly run around on her.
    "The ad also stated I want a man who won't steal from me."
    The man directs her attention to his lack of arms and she agrees he couldn't possibly steal from her.
    "Well, the ad also stated I want a man who's good in bed," to which the man replies: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

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