Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"
"Oh, God, no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."
"Go for it doc," says the man. "As long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon.
"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.
"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."
"That's great," said the surgeon.
"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours."
"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"
"Well, just one problem," said the golfer, "every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as
was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite
concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent
urologist. After an initial examination, the Doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's
condition could be fixed through corrective surgery. "How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked
anxiously. "Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor. "Well," said the wife
coldly, "you're planning on lengthening Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? We
find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack
Schitt!' Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond
in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious
couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla
Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a
high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe
Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because
her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous
name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son
with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the
other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable
throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers
in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper
announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children
were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He
recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can
correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Tojo]

Re: Daily funnies

When it's NOT a good idea to hyphenate your name.....

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

New MasterCard commercial...

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in
a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and
said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the
bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young
man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot
the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah,
if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he
was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping
me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can
of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't
hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said
the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when that guy's
done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."

[turftoe27]

Re: Daily funnies

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
......It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
........It's called a Wedding Cake.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
......It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%
........It's called a Wedding Cake.

It's been nice knowing you.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a
virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she
doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under
the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis
your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu
want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She
eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
someting I have heard about from other girls...
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You
want... garlic chicken with steam vegtable?"

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a
virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she
doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under
the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be
reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis
your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise
you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting -
juss anyting you want. You juss ask... so... whatchu
want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and
worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits
patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She
eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try
someting I have heard about from other girls...
Numbaa 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him.
Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You
want... garlic chicken with steam vegtable?"

the redneck version of that same joke has the young woman tell her new husband to "take that thing you play with and put it where I pee".

So he grabs his bowling ball and throws it into the sink.....

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Herman and Martha were happily married for nearly forty years. The only friction in their marriage was caused by the husband’s habit of breaking wind nearly every morning as he awoke. The noise would always wake up Martha and the smell would cause her eyes to water as she would choke and gasp for air. Nearly every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping one in the morning. Herman told her that he couldn’t help it.

She begged him to visit a doctor to see if anything could be done, but the husband wouldn’t hear of it. He told her that it was just a natural bodily function, and then he would laugh in her face as she tried to wave the fumes away with her hands. She told him that there was nothing natural about it and if he didn’t stop, he was one day going to “fart his guts out.”

The years went by and Martha continued to suffer and Herman continued to ignore her warnings about “farting his guts out” until one Christmas morning.

Before dawn, Martha went downstairs to prepare the family feast. She fixed Christmas pudding, mashed potatoes, gravy and of course a turkey. While she was taking out the turkeys innards, a thought occurred to the wife as to how she might solve her husband’s problem.

With a devilish grin on her face, she placed the turkey guts into a bowl and quietly walked upstairs hours before her flatulent husband would awake. While he was still soundly asleep, she pulled back the covers and then gently pulled back her husband’s jockey shorts. She then placed all of the turkey guts into her husband’s underwear, pulled them up, replaced the covers and tiptoed back downstairs to finish preparing the family meal.

Several hours later she heard Herman awake with his normal loud ass trumpeting. This was soon followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as her husband ran to the upstairs bathroom. Martha could not control herself and her eyes began to tear up as she rolled on the floor laughing. After years of putting up with him she had finally gotten even.

About twenty minutes later, Herman came downstairs in his blood stained underpants with a look of horror in his eyes. She bit her lip to keep from laughing and she asked him what was the matter.

“Honey,” he said. “You were right - all those years you warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked Martha.

“Well, you always told me that I would end up farting my guts out one of these days and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God and these two fingers, I think I got them all back in.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:
CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

HANDJOB: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers. "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?" "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

hrmm it seems Pizmo was upset that other people posted in his thread hence the back to back posts

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

I think Herman and Martha in that second last joke are really Pizmo and Mrs. Pizmo, but Ernie won't admit it.