Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

KERPOW!! OOF!! BAM!!

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

The tragedy Why do the good die young?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

On my way to work this morning I rear ended the car in front of me. I obviously wasn't paying attention to the road.
Anyway, this guy gets out of his car. He was a dwarf.
He said, "I'm not happy."
I said, "Well, which one are you"?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner Both he and
his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is,
but will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know
what the meat was on their plates, so begged their dad for the clue.

Well" the father said, "it's what mummy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it........it's a ....ing arsehole!!!!!!!!

[Muley69]

Re: Daily funnies

Two blondes were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind her and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the girl who plants the trees called in sick."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

[Tucker83]

Re: Daily funnies

A man takes his wife to a livestock show. They start heading down the alley where the bulls are kept. A sign in front of the first bull says: "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year! You could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and that sign states: "This bull mated 65 times last year."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That's over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, big time."

They proceed to the last bull and his sign reads: "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife's mouth drops open as she gasps, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That's ONCE A DAY! You could really learn from this one!"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Yeah, okay. Go on up and inquire if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

This is sick
Do not read this
You have been warned















Sex Can Make You Sick!

A guy has just got out of prison after doing 10 years for armed robbery. The prison gives him a new suit and $20 so he goes to the nearest brothel for some action. He walks in and slaps $20 on the table and says "I want to lick some belly button!" "But sir, we don't allow that kind of perversion here!" says the owner. The guy grabs the mans collar and says " I've just done 10 years hard time, so you give me some belly button now!"

The man leads him to a back room where there's a prostitute waiting. Without delay, the guy dives on her and he starts licking and licking, when suddenly he finds some bacon in his teeth. "I must of had it for breakfast" he says to himself quietly, before resuming his feast on the girl. He's licking and licking and licking when suddenly he comes across some egg. "Ah ... egg's benedict for lunch" he assures himself and carries on licking and licking until he finds some potato and says, "Oh I'm gonna be sick!"

"Thats what the last Guy Said." Replied the prostitute.

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

blah.. thats not sick

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Brothel Arrest
A young woman was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, didn't want her grandmother to know. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young woman.

The police had the all the prostitutes line up in a straight line on the sidewalk, just as grandma was passing by. As soon as she noticed her granddaughter, she stopped and asked her what she was lining up for.

Not wanting her grandmother to know the truth, the granddaughter told grandma that someone was passing out free oranges and she was lining up for some.

"That sounds good. I think I'll have some too," Grandma said, as she made her way to the back of the line.

A policeman went down the line, questioning all the prostitutes, until he reached grandma. Looking very bewildered, he said to her, "You're so old, how do you do it?"

"It's easy," replied Grandma. "I just remove my dentures and suck them dry!"

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

The Sheriff in a small Texas town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did."

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did."

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did."

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts .. so I did."

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy... '."

"And here I am."

Son of a Gun, Blonde Men do exist

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is
1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night, ready to surprise Joyce, he showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."


He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life -- just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

A penis says to his balls, "get ready, were going to a party."

"God damn liar!" says his balls. "You always go inside and leave us outside knockin'."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

OK, this is sick!!

A Leper at the World Series

A guy with leprosy wins tickets to see the world series. But when he gets there, he has trouble finding a seat because pieces of him are peeling and flaking off, and he's very concerned about grossing out the other fans. The leper wanders through the bleachers looking for a seat where his grotesque appearance won't disturb anyone else. Finally he finds an open seat where he might be able to watch the game.
He asks the man in the adjoining seat if it would be okay to sit there. The man answers, "Yeah. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
The leper sits down and adds, "As you can see, I have leprosy. If it disturbs you, I will move."
"It doesn't bother me. Just shut up, and watch the game."
A while later, during the fourth inning, the man suddenly vomits. Frothy beer, hot dogs, and peanuts are splattered everywhere. Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"It's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the sixth inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is projectile vomitus. A powerful blast of beer and pretzels shoots out from the man's mouth and nose until his stomach is completely emptied.
Seeing this, the leper gets up and says, "Thank you for allowing me to sit next to you, but I can see that my appearance has caused you to get sick. I will find another place to sit."
"Really, it's NOT you. Just sit down, shut up, and watch the game."
So the leper sits back down. But during the seventh inning, the man begins to vomit again. This time it is the dry heaves. The leper feels absolutely awful at the sight of this man suffering. And once again, the leper offers to leave.
But the man insists, "Really, it's NOT you."
So the leper asks, "Well if it's not me that is making you so sick, then what is it?"
"It's that guy behind you. He keeps dipping his nachos in your back."