Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Ed and Dorothy met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels
for her. When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when
they got home.

Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Dorothy to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that
Dorothy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed
better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed
took Dorothy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for
their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.
I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next
stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing
question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read
about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If
that's going to be a problem, for us, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a
problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being
totally honest with each other, you need to know that for about the last
five years I've been a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied thoughtfully. He looked down at the table, and was
quiet for a moment, deep in serious thought then he added, "You know, it's
probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/85b...out?rel=player

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the sh!t inside!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Paddy the farmer

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Paddy bought 2 horses and could never remember which one was which. He cut the tail off one, and that worked great till the other horse got his tail caught in a bush and it looked exactly like the other. His pal suggested he notch the ear of one horse, and that worked great till the other horse caught his ear in barbed wire. The pal suggested Paddy measures the horses for height and was delighted the black horse was 2 inches taller than the white one!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The day before Chelsea's wedding Hillary asked her,

"have you had sex with Marc yet?"


Chelsea said, "Not according to Dad"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The finals of the National Youth Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a student going to one of the finest private schools in the nation. From an upper-crust family, he was well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck who was going into the 5th grade for the 8th time. Go figure. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu." The private school student went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:

"Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu."

The audience went wild! How, they wondered, could the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:

"Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three girls in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by any woman.

Many females use a date-drug on the market called 'Beer'.

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large kegs.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.

A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several Beers , men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking Beer , men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship' ... In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage'.

Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please forward this warning to every male you know.

If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Courses' in the phone book.
__________________

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.

We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!"
So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!", so I bought her an electric chair.

My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me "In the lake."

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?
They can both smell it but can't eat it.

How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

What's the difference between love, true love and showing off?
Spitting, swallowing and gargling. dirty joke material >>>

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

What should you do if you girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down and use a lubricant.

What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
Money.

What's the definition of a male chauvinist pig?
A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.

Why do women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
Because most men are stupid, but few are blind.

What do blondes and the Bermuda triangle have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

How can you spot the blind guy at the nudist colony?
It's not hard.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
She is the one who can eat the last donut!

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A bloke is sat at a bar when he sees this gorgeous woman waiting for her date. He decides to go over and chat her up.

'I think you're wasting your time, I'm only interested in women' said the woman.

'Oh come on, I bet I can change your mind' said the bloke. After ten minutes of the bloke pestering her, she had had enough.

'OK' said the woman 'I'll sleep with you if you can do anything for me that my vibrator can't!'

'OK, barman get this lady a drink' he said. 'let's see your vibrator do that?'

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancée is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation were
sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.


Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in
his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate
enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all
eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Biggest joke this week, what is going on right NOW at 8:13pm on TSNHD in Calgary

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Governmental Approach

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Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes

Little Johnny understands the program and will do well as a capitalist.

HOW TO SELL TOOTHBRUSHES

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on
productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she
said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil
spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone
that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn.

The teacher held her breath ...

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box
full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell
enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a
Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."

They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog ****!"

Then I would say,"It is dog ****. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something ****ty for
free, and then making you pay to get the ****ty taste out of your
mouth."