Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

Yeah......my buddy bought a bag of peanuts at the game on Friday, the only ingredient listed is "Peanuts"...then right underneath it says "May contain traces of other nuts."

Now now guys... this is pretty serious stuff. I once met a girl who said she was deathly allergic to nuts. There was no way I'd date her after that. Too bad... she was pretty good looking.

[Delorean]

Re: Daily funnies

Now now guys... this is pretty serious stuff. I once met a girl who said she was deathly allergic to nuts. There was no way I'd date her after that. Too bad... she was pretty good looking.

I have a meeting to go to now, but I just couldn't leave without saying... any girl who's allergic to nuts is not marriage material

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

I have a meeting to go to now, but I just couldn't leave without saying... any girl who's allergic to nuts is not marriage material

she is if she has a fancy for Pusssycats

[Tojo]

Re: Daily funnies

There was this guy, let's call him Bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, "do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?" and the bartender said to another person that was there, "hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!"

[TurfToe]

Re: Daily funnies

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico.

But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. It hit an iceberg, sank and the cargo was forever lost.

The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise – and were eagerly awaiting its delivery – were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th... and is known... of course... as Sinko de Mayo.

[Delorean]

Re: Daily funnies

[Tojo]

Re: Daily funnies

A pun worse than TurfToe's.....

The pirate captain was standing in his treasure pile.
He didn't have very much: his booty was only shin-deep.

[gizmo fan 2]

Re: Daily funnies

(tm)

Great, TT.

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Goldie, a recently widowed lady, was sitting on a Florida beach near Venice. She looked up and noticed that an elderly gentleman had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away last year," he replied.

"Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, continuing to read.

Goldie persisted. "Do you like ***** cats?"

With that, he threw his book down, jumped off his blanket on to hers, tore off both their swimsuits, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.
The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reaches over and slices the man's penis off and angrily tosses it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his 12 year old daughter. The little girl is just chatting away at her father when all of a sudden, the penis smacks against the windshield, sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Not wanting to expose his twelve year old daughter to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replies, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sits with a confused look on her face and after a few minutes says, 'Sure had a big penis, didn't it?'

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:

"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a veternarian..."

[gizmo fan 2]

Re: Daily funnies

(tm)

Good stuff, EF ...2nd and 3rd ones are the best, IMO.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

Funny stuff EF.

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Here are a few more.

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and "do it" for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he'd like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent's house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in." The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were so religious." The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."