Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Thrust]

Re: Daily funnies

Did you know Helen Keller had a dog?











Neither did she!

[Nanookster]

Re: Daily funnies

This guy thinks he is funny.

I think he is smart.

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

Q: What goes, “[click] Is that it? [click] Is that it? [click] Is that it?”

A: A blind guy with a Rubik’s Cube.

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

An old man is sitting on a bench at the Mall when a kid with a Mohawk dyed green, red and yellow sits next to him. The old man turns to look at him and just stares.

What's the matter, Gramps? " the kid asks. " Never done anything wild in your life"

"sure have" replies the old guy. "Screwed a peacock once years ago. I was just wondering if you were my son"

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

A taxi Driver stops at a red light when a person suddenly jumps into the cab and tells him to go to the nearest hotel. The cabby looks in his mirror and sees a naked women.

"what are you looking at?" she demands.

" I noticed you're completely naked," replies the cabby . "How are you going you going to pay?"

The women spreads her legs and asks, " will this cover it?"

The Driver says, "Got anything smaller?"

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

A medieval knight dreams of nuzzling the queen's breasts and tells his friend, the royal physician. The physician explains he can make that happen, but it will cost the knight 1,000 dollars. The Knight agrees.


The next day, the physician pours itching powder into the queen's bra. She comes to him for help, and he tells her that the only cure is the knight's saliva. The physician slips the antidote into the knights mouth and he spends hours licking the queen's breasts.

Afterward the physician asks the knight for his payment, but the knight refuses. A day later, the knight gets word that the king would like to see him.

"what did u tell the king?" the knight asks the doctor upon arriving at the castle.

"Nothing about you and the queen," the physician says. "Just that i knew how he could soothe a rash on his balls"

[Thrust]

Re: Daily funnies

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a
rather gorgeous blonde behind him has just raised her hand and
smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving
to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her
from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of
one of my children."
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.
"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that
I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up
my ass?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

[EskiPhenom]

Re: Daily funnies

Awesome!

[Thrust]

Re: Daily funnies

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope
propped up prominently on the centre of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

"Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I
had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a
scene with mum and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan
and she is so nice, even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight
Motorcycle clothes.
But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said
that we will be very happy. Even though you won't care for her as
she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods
and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to
have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams
too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll
be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine
and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will
find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your
grandchildren.
Your son,
John
PS:
Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbour's
house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than my report card that's in my desk centre drawer.
I love you!
Call when it is safe for me to come home."

[Mrs Bigs]

Re: Daily funnies

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.

His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"

[Thrust]

Re: Daily funnies

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little *******. Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[Gargoyle]

Re: Daily funnies

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how
many kinds of boobies are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of
breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and
firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a
bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum,
how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty
and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration
only....

[Gargoyle]

Re: Daily funnies

Two blondes were reading their newspapers at the Starbucks coffee shop.


One of them reads the headline, "TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED IN IRAQ".


She whispers to her friend, "pssst.......how many is a brazilian?"

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies