Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

Does no one just grab a bud anymore?

I dont know about you E4L, but i dont go around grabbing my buds at all

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "Speaking."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

One night, a father overheard his son saying his prayers, "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa." The father thought this was strange, but soon forgot about it. The next day, the Grandfather died.

About a month or so later, the father again heard his son's prayers, "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Goodbye Grammy." The next day, the Grandmother died. The father began to worry about the situation.

Two weeks later, the father again heard his son praying, "God bless Mommy. Goodbye Daddy." This alone nearly gave the Father a heart attack.

The next morning, without saying anything, he got up early and went to work. He stayed in his office all day.

Finally, after midnight, he went home. He was still alive! He crawled into bed with his wife and apologized. "I'm sorry honey, I had a really bad day."

"You had a bad day?" his wife yelled. "The mailman dropped dead on the porch this morning!"

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was sleeping, "Tell me Mary, Who created the universe?"

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD almighty!" she yelled. "Very good!" the teacher said as Mary went back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked "Who is our LORD and savior?" But once again Mary didn't stir.

Once again Johnny came to her rescue. "Jesus Christ" Mary said, then fell back to sleep.

The teacher asked Mary a third question "What did Eve say to Adam after their twenty-third child?"

And once again Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and said "if you stick that damn thing up me one more time I'll break it in half!"

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Last one

Little Johnny is sitting in his math class when his good looking female teacher asks him, "If three birds are sitting on a telephone wire, and a hunter comes along and shoots one of the birds, how many birds are left?"

Johnny answers, "None."

The teacher says, "No Johnny, that's wrong. If there are three birds, and the hunter shoots one, how many are left?"

"None."

"No Johnny, that's wrong! How do you figure?" Johnny explains, "When the hunter shoots his gun, the birds fly away, so there are none left."

"Oh, I see. Well that's not the answer that I was looking for, but I like the way you're thinking!" she says.

Johnny starts in, "Well, ok then. I have a question for you. Three women are sitting on a curb eating popsicles. The first one is licking her popsicle, the second is sucking her popsicle, and the third is biting her popsicle. Which one of the women is married?"

The teacher stammers, "Well, let me see. I guess the one who is sucking her popsicle?"

"No, actually it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking."

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies



(This cat must be on crack)

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

>>>>
>>>> The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war
>>>>party.
>>>>
>>>> The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger.
>>>> In
>>>>honour of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But,
>>>>before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first
>>>>request?"
>>>>
>>>> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
>>>>
>>>> The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who
>>>>whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later that evening,
>>>>Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
>>>>
>>>> As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's
>>>> tent
>>>>and spends the night.
>>>>
>>>> The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You
>>>> have a
>>>>very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is
>>>>your second request?"
>>>>
>>>> The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
>>>> brought
>>>>to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver
>>>>takes
>>>>off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
>>>>
>>>> Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
>>>> returns,
>>>>this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She
>>>>enters
>>>>the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
>>>>
>>>> The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You
>>>> are
>>>>indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is
>>>>your
>>>>last request?"
>>>>
>>>> The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
>>>> horse....alone."
>>>>
>>>> The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the
>>>> Lone
>>>>Ranger's tent.
>>>>
>>>> Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,
>>>> looks
>>>>him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you dumb ass
>>>>horse.
>>>>For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
>>>>
>>>
>>>
>>
>> __________________________________________________ _______________

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pooch.html
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/bullhump.html
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/divingboard.html

E4L will get a rush out of the first two.

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

>Newfie Hunters > > > >Two Newfie hunters got a pilot to fly them into the interior to hunt >moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the >return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. > >The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six, and the >pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." > >Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, >even with full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and >went down. > > >A few moments after, climbing out of the wreckage, Peter asked >Pipper, > >"Any idea where we are?" > >"Lord Jesus Boy --, I think we're pretty close to where we crashed >last year." > >

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies



Two Old Ladies



It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car!

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed, so we're just waiting

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

Cases where using the word S*** is appropriate