Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

[u][b]How To Shower Like a Man:

*Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

*Walk naked to the bathroom.

*If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo' sound.

*Look at your manly physique in the mirror.

*Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

*Get in the shower Wash your face. Wash your armpits.

*Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

*Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.

*Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

*Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

*Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee.

*Rinse off and get out of shower. Avoid bathmat.

*Dry off forearms and butt only.

*Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

*Admire wiener size in mirror again. Shake it to watch water fly off.

*Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

*Return to bedroom with towel around waist.

*If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the
woo-woo' sound again.

*Throw wet towel on bed.

If there is anyone among you who did not laugh at the truth behind this,
there is something so very wrong with you.

Have a great day! And, "woo woo"!!!

Man, if I had known we were able to say wiener on this site...oh, the opportunities I've missed. Funny post, though.

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

The 1st Affair:

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying *******!

You've been playing golf!"


The 2nd Affair:

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!"


The 3rd Affair:

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

"I have to show you something you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead?!?!"


The 4th Affair:

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner."

She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.

"Don't move until I tell you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.

"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smith's and nobody offered me a damned thing."


The 5th Affair:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent."

"One Cent?" the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied,

"The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."


The 6th Affair:

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly, "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to," his wife replied.

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

"I know, I know," she replied. "Now just rest and let the poison work."

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

A few I got today



>> A 17 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two

>> months.

>>

>> Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy test.

>> The test is positive Shouting, swearing, crying, the mother says,"Who

>>was

>>the ******* that did this to you? I want to know!"

>>

>>The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari

>>stops in front of their house; a Mature and distinguished man with grey

>>hair

>>and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and

>>enters

>>the house.

>>

>>He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl

>> and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the

>>problem.

>>I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take

>>charge.

>> I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her

>> life.

>>Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a

>> townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account."

>>

>>He continues: "If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of Factories

>>and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and

>>$2,000,000 each.

>>

>> However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

>> At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand Firmly

>> on the man's shoulder and confidently tells him...

>>

>> "You **** her again...







An older couple at an art exhibition were staring at a painting
>>that had
>>them completely confused. The painting depicted three well hung
>>black men
>>totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
>>black
>>penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
>>
>>They asked the curator of the gallery for an interpretation. He
>>explained
>>how it represented the sexual emasculation of African Canadians in
>>a
>>predominately white, patriarchal society. In fact, he pointed out,
>>some
>>serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the
>>cultural and
>>sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary
>>society.
>>
>>After the curator left, a man with a noticeable Maritime accent and
>>a large
>>Tim Horton's coffee approached the couple and said: "Would you like
>>to know
>>what the painting is really all about?"
>>
>>The couple looked at the man with some degree of suspicion. "How
>>and why,"
>>asked the couple, "could you claim to be more of an expert than the
>>curator
>>of this gallery?"
>>
>>"Because I'm the guy who painted it", he replied. "In fact,
>>there's no
>>African Canadians shown here at all. They are just three Cape
>>Breton coal
>>miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch".

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies



This one made me cry I was laughing so hard



>> Many PEI folks DID hear this on the 92-FM
>>
>> morning show in Charlottetown ,PEI.
>>
>>
>>
>> The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.
>>
>> The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at
>>
>> work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with
>>
>> someone. If
>>
>> the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random
>>
>> yet highly personal questions.
>>
>>
>>
>> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner
>>
>> (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers
>>
>> those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.
>>
>>
>>
>> One particular game,however, several months ago made the
>>
>> Charlottetown City drop to its knees
>>
>> with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've heard
>>
>> yet.
>>
>> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on 93-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate
>>
>> Match'?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold
>>
>> Coast if you win. What is your name? First only please."
>>
>>
>>
>> Contestant: "Brian."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name?
>>
>>
>>
>> First only please."
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "Sara."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time
>>
>> you had sex?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one
>>
>> would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex
>>
>> at 8 o'clock this morning?
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her
>>
>> mum is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Uh huh..."
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower
>>
>> at the time."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the
>>
>> previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I
>>
>> will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number
>>
>> and call her up. You listen to this."
>>
>>
>>
>> [ 3 minutes of commercials follow. ]
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?"
>>
>>
>>
>> (Touchtones.....ringing....)
>>
>>
>>
>> Clerk: "Kinkos."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Clerk: "This is she."
>>
>> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with 93-FM. We are live
>>
>> on the air right now
>>
>> and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us.
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: "No."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Good!"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing)
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay?
>>
>>
>>
>> Be completely honest."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,
>>
>> Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both
>>
>> of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex,
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah?" Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before
>>
>> Brian went to work."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "What time?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure shes trying to
>>
>> protect his manhood. We've got one last question,
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the
>>
>> Gold Coast.
>>
>>
>>
>> Are you ready?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>>
>> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that
>>
>> did you?"
>>
>>
>>
>> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>>
>>
>>
>> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>>
>> Sarah: "Well..."
>>
>> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>>
>>
>>
>> Sarah: "Up the arse....."
>>
>>
>>
>> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a
>> station break"
>>
>>
>>
>> And the drivers of PEI almost crashed their cars laughing!

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

I posted this one a couple pages back...

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

On the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago, the DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match." The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers yes, he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing I've heard yet. Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Edgar on WBAM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes I have."

DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to Orlando,Florida if you win. What is your name? First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."

DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara."

DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her Mom is staying for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "...and the Mother-in-law was in the shower at the Time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table."

DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this. (3 minutes of commercials follow.)

DJ: "Okay audience, let's call Sarah, shall we?" (touchtones ringing)

Clerk: "Kinkos."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "Speaking."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Edgar with WBAM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo...do you know the rules of 'Mate match'?"

Sarah: "No."

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to Orlando, Florida for 5 days on us. Disney World. Sea World. Tickets to the Magic's game. The whole deal. Get it Sarah?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "All right. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian... uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?"

Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to Florida. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much,Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well, it's just that my Mom is vacationing with us
and..."

DJ: "She saw?"

Sarah: "BRIAN?!"

Brian: "No, no I didn't..."

DJ: "Ease up there, sister. Just messing' with your head. Your answer, please?"

Sara: "Dear Lord...I cannot believe you told them this."

Brian: "Come on, honey, it's for a free trip to Florida."

DJ: "Let's go, sister. We ain't got all day here. Where did you do it?"

Sarah: (short pause) "In the ass."

(long, long pause)

DJ: "We'll be right back after a word from our sponsors."

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

Thanks Efan Didnt see that in reading back
Wonder if someone can delete mine out

[Edmonton Fan]

Re: Daily funnies

Must've been the small font..

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

Thanks Efan Didnt see that in reading back
Wonder if someone can delete mine out

I could.......but I won't.

No harm, no foul.....

[Muley69]

Re: Daily funnies

I happen to think that the "DJ" joke is an urban legend. I've always heard that it came from some radio station all over the country...

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

I've heard that joke on the radio many times but never live.

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

I could.......but I won't.

No harm, no foul.....

Thanks fishman

[sbabs]

Re: Daily funnies

Why doesn't the Sask population ever change?







Because everytime a women gets pregnant a man leaves.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

daddy....

[Esksgurl]

Re: Daily funnies

The original computer...........................


Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account

A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived



And if you had a 3 inch floppy .


. . . you just hoped nobody ever found out!