Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

What a rep whore ...whatever...here's some rep to get you back to the 200 million plus rep that you had before

If that was the reason, I'd have picked someone with more rep power than 4. Whoopie! But thanks, Stevie.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

>>>A man entered the bus with both of
>>>his front pockets full of golf balls and
>>>sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
>>>
>>>The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
>>>
>>>Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf
>>>balls".
>>>
>>>Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
>>>time,
>>>deeply thinking about what he had said.
>>>
>>>After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
>>>longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you
would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies



That's a good one.

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Don't see anything

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the
bar and orders a drink.

Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner
table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over,
looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and
says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw
her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine
looking woman!"

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His
buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and
would fight at the drop of a hat.

The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it
on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever
had!"

The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad,
but the biker still says nothing.

The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,
"I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked
it!"

At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by
the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says
... "Grandpa, Go home! You're drunk!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Sniffer the Dog

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when
another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador retriever
in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at
the dog and asks why the dog
is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and
that the dog is a "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best
there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The
plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this.
He tells Sniffer to "search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and
finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for a several seconds.
Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent's arm..
The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is
in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the
authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat"
replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs
about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and
this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man
is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the
police." "I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to
"search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while,
sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place. The first man is
really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a
well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going
on?" The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A woman in her fifties went to see a plastic surgeon. “What can you do for me?” she asked.

“Well,” said the surgeon, “it depends how much you are prepared to pay. You have bags under your eyes – I can remove those for you. And you have crow’s feet around your eyes – I can tighten the skin up there.”

“I want more than that” said the woman.

“Well, you’ve got a few wrinkles on your forehead – I can pull that tight. Also your jowls droop down – I can sort that out.”

“I still want more then that, money is no object.”

“In that case, I can give you the full treatment from the neck up. I can fix your double chin. Your neck and throat are a bit baggy – I can pull that tight. As an extra, I’ll put a small screw in the back of your neck beneath your hair. When you see your wrinkles start to reappear, all you have to do is tighten the screw a little. That will tighten your skin right up.”

The woman had the work done and looked great. But ten months later, she went in to see the surgeon in a state of high anxiety. “Doctor, see these huge bags under my eyes? They’ve never been this bad before.”

“Madam,” replied the surgeon, “those aren’t bags – they’re your breasts. And if you don’t stop turning that screw, you’re going to end up with a goatee!”

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

Gee, a thousand posts since my last visit and I see you folks need some levity. Here's one.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."

Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.

When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't understand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said, "You must have been quite a kid!"

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said, "Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too." Yummy

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I said, "I'm looking for Sex."

My case comes up Friday.

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

And another one. My fave is Number 25.

25 great things to do in an elevator

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

25. Go up to some guy and say, "I'm gay for Nik Lewis."

[Tojo]

Re: Daily funnies

Anger Management

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I Politely said, "This is David. Could I please speak with Robert Campbell ?"

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f*kin number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robert's correct number to call him, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with him, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're a C*nt!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word 'C*nt' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're a C*nt!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "C*nt" calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said,"Hi, this is John Smith from BT . I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"

He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a C*nt!"

One day I was at Lakeside Shopping Centre, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a gunmetal grey Land Rover cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first C*nt (I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the Land Rover C*nt, too.

I said, "Is this the man with the gunmetal grey Land Rover for sale?" Yes, it is", he said. "Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked. "Yes, I live at 129 Alice Street, in Ilford. It's a terraced house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Steve Hansen," he said. "When's a good time to catch you, Steve?" "I'm home most days as I'm currently unemployed." "Listen, Steve, can I tell you something?" "Yes?" "Steve, you're a C*nt!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a**eholes to call. Then one day I came up with an idea. I called C*nt #1.

"Hello?" "You're a C*nt!" (But I didn't hang up.) "Are you still there?" he asked. "Yeah," I said. "Stop calling me," he screamed. "Make me," I said. "Who are you?" he asked. "My name is Steve Hansen." "Yeah? Where do you live?" "I live at 129 Alice Street, Ilford, a terraced house, with my gunmetal grey Land Rover parked out the front." He said, "I'm coming over right now, Steve. And you had better start saying your prayers." I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, C*nt," and hung up.

Then I called C*nt #2. "Hello?" he said. "Hello, C*nt," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..." "You'll do what?" I said. "I'll kick your a*se," he exclaimed. I answered, "Well, C*nt, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
129 Alice Street, Ilford , and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 5 News about the hoodie war going down in Alice Street, Ilford .

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Alice Street. I got there just in time to watch two C*nts beating the cr*p out of each other in front of six police cars, an overhead police helicopter and a News crew.

Now I feel MUCH better. Take it from me, anger management really works...

[esks4life]

Re: Daily funnies



c*nt...tee hee...

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

The Snake & The Rabbit:


Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at
least you'll have that going for you." "Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with
my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny
felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery,
and you've a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be
a team leader, a supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."