Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

Corporate Lesson 1


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bobsays, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies. Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.




Corporate Lesson 2


A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologized, "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, youmight miss a great opportunity.





Corporate Lesson 3


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamaslace, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.


"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in lace w:st="on">Hawaiilace>, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."


Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.



Corporate Lesson 4



A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not."So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.



Corporate Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy.""Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.


Moral of the story: Bull**** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

[Tojo]

Re: Daily funnies

Elephant's Memory - A Touching Story

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a
large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with
his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen,
thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant
trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they
approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked
over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull
elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then
put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly,
all the while staring at the man.


Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this
was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the
railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him
wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

Sheila, an Aussie housewife, got out of the shower and slipped on the
bathroom floor. Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did a
splits and suction-cupped herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband, "Bruce! Bruce!"

Bruce came running in.

"Bruce, I've bloody-well suctioned myself to the floor," she said.

"S'truth," Bruce said, and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.

I'll go across the road and get Cobber (his mate)to help."

They came back and they both tried to pull her up."No way, we can't do it,"
Cobber said, "so let's try Plan B."

"Plan B," exclaimed Bruce, "what's that?"

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under
her," replied Cobber.

"Spot on," Bruce said, "while you're doing that, I'll stay here and play
with her nipples."

"Play with her nipples?" Cobber said, "Not exactly a good time for that
mate!"

"No," Bruce replied, "but I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles are less expensive."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American bank teller,

"Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over and says:




"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Got this one from a femal friend of mine

What can a bird do that
a man can not do ?

Now don't cheat....think about it!












Whistle through his pecker !

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

Got this one from a femal friend of mine

What can a bird do that
a man can not do ?

Now don't cheat....think about it!




Whistle through his pecker !

thats what you think

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

A chicken and egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard, smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on his face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheets, rolls over and says:

"Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

What question?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

Recent research shows that there are 7 degrees of sex:

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. This kind of sex
happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you
are blue in the face.


The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a short time and you are so
horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.


The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you
have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has
gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.


The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex. This is when you have been with your partner far too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "**** you."


The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex, which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.


The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.


And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex: You get a little each month, but not enough to live on.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Stuttering
> A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human
> Beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.
> A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered," she
> volunteered.
> The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
> asked the girl to describe the incident.
> "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the
> Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew
> it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
> "That must've been scary," said the teacher.
> "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'
> ... and before he could say '****,' the Rottweiler ate him!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! "Helllooooo?" (I told him). "It's been a year!"

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a blonde anymore.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. he breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom. while hes in there the husband tells his wife:

"listen this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes!

he probably spent alot of time in jail and hasnt seen a woman in years. i saw how he kissed your neck". if he wants sex dont resist, dont complain, do whatever he tells you"!

satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. this guy is probably very dangerous and if he gets angry he'll kill us, be strong honey, i love you"!

To which the wife responds:

He wasnt kissing my neck. he was wispering in my ear. he told me he was gay, and asked me if we had any vaseline. i told him it was in the bathroom. be strong honey i love you too"!!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date
or any sex for over 5 years. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to seek the medical expertise of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.

Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all
your crose."
The woman did as she was told.
"Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odderside of room."
Again, the woman did as she was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."
As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad.
You haf Ed Zachary Disease.
Worse case I ever see. Dat why you not haf sex or dates."

The woman asked anxiously,
"Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied,
"Ed Zachary Disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary like your ass."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out....

"Pa, You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

So.......Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back,

"Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it?!"