Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Husband and wife in bed


*Husband and wife in bed together. *
*She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. *
*She: "Oh, that feels good." *
*His hand moves to her breast.*
* She: "Gee, honey, that feels wonderful."*
*His hand moves to her leg. *
*She: "Oh, honey, don't stop."*
*But he stops.*
*She: "Why did you stop?" *

*He: "I found the remote."*

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day!
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure.
They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,
"Do you want to go up or down?"
All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat!
When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.
They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river.
He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again.
This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!
She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"
The woman replied, "Down."
A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"
She replied, "Up."
This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied,”Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were **** or drown."

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Here is one for MoneyGuy

Some tips for retirement planning from an expert in the industry:
If you had purchased $1000.00 of Nortel stock three years ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1000.00.



WorldCom, you would have less than $5.00 left.



But if over the last three years you had purchased $1000.00 worth of beer, drank all the beer, then returned the cans or bottles for your refund you would have $614.00.

So based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?"


Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear "Get the right f**in number!" and the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. When I tracked down Robyn's correct number to call her, I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.


When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an *******!" and hung up. I wrote his number down with the word '*******' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an *******!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID was introduced, I thought my therapeutic "******* calling" would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Verizon. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?"


He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.


I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an *******!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot, but the idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his back window which included his phone number, so I wrote down the number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first ******* (I had his number on speed dial) I thought that I'd better call the BMW *******, too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"


"Yes, it is", he said.


"Can you tell me where I can see it?" I asked.


"Yes, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, in Vaucluse. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."


"What's your name?" I asked.


"My name is Don Hansen," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?"


"Don, you're an *******!" Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two *******s to call. Then I came up with an idea. I called ******* #1.



"Hello."


"You're an *******!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.

" Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I said.


"Who are you?" he asked.


"My name is Don Hansen."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"*******, I live at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, *******," and hung up.


Then I called ******* #2. "Hello?" he said.


"Hello, *******," I said.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.


"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, *******, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 34 Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover. Then I called Channel 9 News about the gang war going down in Mowbray Blvd, Vaucluse. I quickly got into my car and headed over to Mowbray. I got there just in time to watch two *******s beating the crap out of each other in front of six cop cars, an overhead police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. Anger management really works !

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man
on her nightstand.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be
reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

This guy was really proud of his physique. He ate well, exercised and had a really great tan. One day, while dressing in front of the mirror, he noticed that the only part of his body that was not tanned was his "tallywhacker".
Soooooooooo.....
He decided to fix that problem. He went to the beach, dug a really big hole and buried himself, all but his "tallywhacker".
Two elderly ladies walking the beach and one says to the other, Mabel, theres just no justice in this world. Why, whatever do you mean, Gert?
I'll tell you......

At 10 I was afraid of it
At 20 I was curious about it
At 30 I couldn't get enough of it
At 40 I didn't want it
At 50 I couldn't find it
At 60 I paid for it
At 70 I prayed for it
And now that I'm 80..........

THEY'RE GROWING WILD!!!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

A man was in a long line at Wal-mart. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms so he asked the checkout girl if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the intercom, "One box of large condoms, Register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting, and like most men, was up for a cheap thrill.
When he got up to the register, he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.
She asked him what size and he stated that he didn't know. She asked him to drop his pants.
He did.
She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, "One box of medium-sized condoms, Register 5." A few customers back was this teenage boy he thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance.
When he got to the register he told the checker he needed some condoms.She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said........................
You'll love this one)...........
.............................
........................................
.........................................
"Cleanup, Register 5"

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

I don't contribute much to this fine thread. I hope you like this one.



Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next
husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At last they're finally
together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

"I mean her legs!"

or ?

[BaronAmongYou]

Re: Daily funnies

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

A bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to
bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits"
he says.
"You dirty git!" shouts the barmaid. "Get out before I get my
husband!"
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The
barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull
your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your arse and lick
it all off," he says.

"You dirty filthy pervert! You're barred. Get out!!" she storms.
Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "O.K., one
more chance' says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?"

"I want to turn you upside down, open your flaps and fill your ***** with Guinness, and then drink every last drop from the hairy cup."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the TV.

"What's the matter, love?" he asks.

"There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my tits and
lick the sweat off," she says.

"I'll kill him! Where is he?" rages the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my arse cheeks and
lick it off," she yells.

"Right. He's dead!" says the husband, standing up and reaching for a
baseball bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my ***** with
Guinness and then drink it all," she screams.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and switches
the television back on.
"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look, love. I'm sorry, but I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15
pints of Guinness."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

^ a classic. Great joke. What a find!! Rep.

[Ridersrule]

Re: Daily funnies

Non bogartin' Koala bear

[Opus]

Re: Daily funnies

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous
sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm
thinking abou t buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why?
Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write
proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what
did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let' S just
say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What
do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with
some straight answers. Wha t about financial bookkeeping? You have
anything I can track my money with?


ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I
turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START".............

[gizmo fan 2]

Re: Daily funnies

(tm)

[Muley69]

Re: Daily funnies

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!

At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???