Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

The 25 Funniest Analogies (Collected by High School English Teachers)

http://writingenglish.wordpress.com/...lish-teachers/

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Steve Vale again.

I give you this almost rep on a dark and stormy night.

[Esks4ever]

Re: Daily funnies

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Steve Vale again.

I give you this almost rep on a dark and stormy night.

Pizmo, its not as funny when you do that..cuz yer old and senile

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Pizmo, its not as funny when you do that..cuz yer old and senile

Hey, I resemble that.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

RED NECK PICK UP LINES




1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away.

2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special.

3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in.

4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out.

5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole.

7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away.

8) Man - "Fat Penguin!"

Woman - "WHAT?"

Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice."

9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock.

10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room.

11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

and.... the best for last!

13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

Some post-Christmas humour. My favourite is the last one.

http://www.drurywriting.com/david/05-SnowmanArt.htm

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Canadian joke





Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

Now THAT'S Canadian!

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies

Canadian joke

Sitting together on a train, traveling through the Canadian Rockies, were an American guy, a Canadian guy, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the American has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The little old Greek lady thinks: The American guy must have groped the blonde in the dark and she slapped his cheek.

The blonde girl thinks: That American guy must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped his cheek.

The American thinks: The Canadian guy must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

The Canadian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can smack the American again.

Now THAT'S Canadian!

Maybe when you were a kid Pizmo the passenger cars went dark when in a tunnel - but these days they have a thing called lightbulbs.

[MoneyGuy]

Re: Daily funnies

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

MG's comment: I thought the Four Seasons were Frankie, Bob, Tommy and Nick.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section".
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

For a dog bite, put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For asphyxiation, apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

For fainting, rub the person’s chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put her head between the knees of the nearest doctor.

Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why you should.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

H2O is hot water and CO2 is cold water.

Liter: A nest of young puppies. (Correct: Litre - MG)

Momentum is something you give a person when they go away.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places, and so they look like umbrellas.

One of the main causes of dust is janitors.

Oxygen is pure gin; hydrogen is water.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

The body consists of three parts: the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five – a, e, i, o, u.

The cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.

The word "trousers" is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

To prevent contraception, use a condominium.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

Vacuum: A large empty space where the Pope lives.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Water is composed of two gins: Oxygin and Hydrogin.

Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

When planets run around and around in circles, we say they are orbiting. When people do it, we say they are crazy.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire.

When you smell odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

Maybe when you were a kid Pizmo the passenger cars went dark when in a tunnel - but these days they have a thing called lightbulbs.

But then it wouldn't be funny like the 'joke' ^

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

aHHHHH TO BE BLONDE







The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the

driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy

but I thought, what the heck, and starting jumping up and down along

with her.



She said, "I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why

you're so happy." She stopped jumping, and breathing heavily from all

the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that

she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't

be happier for you!"





Then she said, "There's more." I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?" She

said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have

TWINS!" Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I

asked her how she knew.



She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they

actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out

positive!"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

WATER......

It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop!

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, vodka, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

It is better to drink wine and talk sh*t than to drink water and be
full of sh*t.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies

While in China, a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a
condom all the time. A week after arriving back home in the States, he
wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and
purple pots.

> >Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never
having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results.

> >The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got
bad news for you ---you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and
almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

> >The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or
something and fix me up, Doc."

> >The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis."

> >The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion."

> >The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want but
surgery is your only choice."

> >The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor,figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and
proclaims:"Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease."

> >The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!"

> >The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs:Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need to opelate!"

> >Oh, Thank God!" the man replies.

> >"Yes," says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Faw off by itself!"

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

edit: Hit the wrong button, no shot at pizmo. Though like many I have thought of it before as well.

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies

Found this picture on RF.com though people here might like it as well.



Insert own joke (or what ever) here