Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Black Labrador turned to the yellow Labrador and said,

"So why are you here ?"

The yellow Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black Lab said, "So what’s the vet going to do?"

“Gonna cut my nuts off "came the reply from the yellow Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?”

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself.
I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "Oh No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Trucker

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A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam five hundred dollars. He says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich." The Madam says, "For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and surf and turf." The trucker says, "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Blonde in a Bag

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A blonde, brunette and red head escaped from jail. They were being chased by the police. They were running through the streets when they saw an old barn. So they ran in and found three potato sacks. They all jumped in.

The coppers walked in the barn and saw the three potato sacks.
One copper goes to the other "Kick the sacks to make sure nothing's in them"

So the copper walks up to the sack with the brunette and kicked it.

The brunette said "Meow Meow" and the coppers thought it was a cat and walked to the next sack.

The copper kicked the second sack with the red head in it.
The red head said "Woof Woof" so the coppers walked to the third sack thinking a dog was in the second one.

The copper kicked the third sack with the blonde in it.
And the blonde said "Potatoes".

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at
the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and,
one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk
and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized,
much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my
Mommy. She was a pilot in Desert Storm, and her
plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,
and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a
survival knife.

She saluted her plane and drank the whiskey on the way
down while watching her plane crash in the distance,
and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of
20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol,
until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife,
till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with
her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your
Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

George Carlin

• How come wrong numbers are never busy?
• Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
• Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
• Does killing time damage eternity?
• Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
• Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
• Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
• Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
• Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
• Daylight savings time. Why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
• Did Noah keep his bees in ArcHives?
• Do pilots take crash-courses?
• Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
• Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
• Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
• Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
• How can there be self-help "groups"?
• How do you get off a non-stop flight?
• How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
• How many weeks are there in a light year?
• If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
• If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
• If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
• If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
• If you shouldn't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
• If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
• Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
• Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
• Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?
• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
• How do blind people know when they are done wiping?
• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
• If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?
• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

driving down the road drinking a couple of beers
Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road
drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, suddenly said,"Lord tundering... up ahead .... it's a police roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' dese here beers!!"

Don't worry," Archie said. "We'll just pull over and finish
dese beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and
trow the bottles under the seat."
"What fer?"

"Jist let me do de talkin', OK?"
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight
and put a label on each of their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long
look at the two of them and said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No sir," said Archie, pointing at the labels. "We're on the patch."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A Lady went into a bar in
Calgary and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's
true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.. Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered...

Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.



In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why yes, I do know you, Mr Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you".



The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked "Mrs Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".



The defense attorney stood there, stunned.



The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said "If either of you clowns asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair".

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin'. In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love.

The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the town doctor what to do.

"Homer," said the doctor, "just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time."

They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?"

"Oh, it worked real good," said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again."

"Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" asked the Doc.

"I ain't seen her since huntin' season started."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Last night the 649 Lottery was like 15 million so the usuall coversation come up at Coach Ditka's dinner table.

"Hun what would you do If I won the 649 Lottery?"
"Oh, my wife replied anxiously, I would take half the money and **** Off on you!"

Coach pulls out a ten dollar bill out of his wallet and says, "Well hun here is a ten because I just won $20 last night on the 649!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The wedding test

I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less.
She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.

She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of the story is:
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Always keep your condoms in the car!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

New way for old guys to pickup women
A truly touching story....truly touching:

I met a girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark
between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on
the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought "These taser guns are well worth the money".

[budha]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Been on here in various forms but it goes well with Pizmos joke above

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a
demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite
my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,
with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on
the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa
told me he'd been summoned for an audit,
he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and
piss all over your desk
and that you'd be happy about it!'

I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old Folks!!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

orgasm?????

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A farmer in Arkansas and his wife were lying in bed one evening, she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "O.K." He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About half an hour later he returns all tired and sweaty and says, "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell."

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Man Killed on Golf Course . . . The Price of Honesty!

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time.


When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it 10 feet. Then she goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet and finally hacks it another five feet.


She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those ****ing lessons I took over the winter didn't help."


One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!"


He never even had a chance to duck. He was 43.......