Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread :)

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Juggler

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late. The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Seniors sex study

The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. Statistics were just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations Board of Health Teams.
They revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This news came as a shock to me and my golf buddies, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The pianist

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter
The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?"
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench.
The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.
This time he pulls out a magic lamp.
He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - rub it."
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.
"I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie.
The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!"
A few moments later a duck walks into the bar.
Another duck, then another soon follows it.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says,
"You know, I think your genie's a little deaf.
I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."
The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist???"

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

The Creation Story as told by a dog.

On the first day of creation, God created the dog.
On the second day, God created man to serve the dog.
On the third day, God created all the animals of the earth (especially the horse) to serve as potential food for the dog.
On the fourth day, God created honest toil so that man could labor for the good of the dog.
On the fifth day, God created the tennis ball so that the dog might or might not retrieve it.
On the sixth day, God created veterinary science to keep the dog healthy and the man broke.
On the seventh day, God tried to rest, but He had to walk the dog.

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So I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the mental patients were shouting.. 13...13...13...13!

The fence was too high to look over so I found a little gap in the boards and looked through the gap to see what was going on. All of a sudden some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.

Then all the mental patients starts shouting... 14...14...14...14!

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

Jasiu wants to swim and asks the lifeguard for permission:
- Can I swim in this pool?
- You must show me how good you are at swimming first.
Jasiu begins. He makes flips, swims, dives. Finally, the lifeguard asks:
- Where did you learn to swim like this?
- Dad would throw me out into the middle of the lake.
- It was probably hard to reach the shore?
- No - says Jasiu. The hardest part was getting out of the bag...

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I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

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Walking around the farmers market the other day and there was a guy selling Viagra, he said come on buddy give it a try, I said why, he said it will put a little lead in your pencil
I said no thanks buddy I've go nobody to write to

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What do you get when you combine viagra and rogaine?

Don King!

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What is the difference between light and hard?


You can fall asleep with a light on.

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Mrs.Pizmo texted me today and told me "It’s been cold for days now Coach Ditka and my Pizmo seems very depressed by it." He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman was in a coma for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a blanket bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.

They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened?!"

The husband said, "I think she choked."

[Steve Vale]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A woman is playing golf and is stung by a bee. She goes to see a doctor, who asks where she was stung:

Woman: Between the first and second hole. Doctor: Wow, you must have a very wide stance.

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.

At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[coach_ditka]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my
coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. And you should have heard him play the piano! He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

Cabbie: "Oh there's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with. And he could fix anything---. Not like me I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! I never knew him to make a mistake! No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank. He died, and I married his wife."

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A lady went into a bar in Regina, and saw a cowboy with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen.
The woman asked the cowboy if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed.
The cowboy grinned and said, 'Shore is, little lady.
Why don't you come on out to the bunkhouse and let me prove it to you?'
The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill .
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thankya, ma'am. Ah'm real flattered.
Ain't nobody ever paid me fer mah services before.'
'Don't be flattered... Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'

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A man was telling his buddy, "You won't believe what happened last night... My daughter walked into the living room and said, ‘Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window; take my TV, and my laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose.’ "

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, "she actually said that?"

"Well, she didn't put it quite like that, she actually said... 'Dad, I've joined the Liberal party, and I'm going to work on Justin's re-election campaign!' ”

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A hooded robber burst into a bank in Regina, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moments hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.

Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly to afraid to speak.

Then, one old farmer tentatively raised his hand without looking up said, "My wife got a pretty good look at ya."

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

never mind

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread

[pizmo]

Re: Daily funnies - The Pizmo Thread